INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (2008)

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"Well, it was a good run folks, but this fell short of every expectation. terrible plot, and too farfetchd. even for todays standards. thanks alot George. prick"

Now if you havent seen the movie, im sure you were expecting great things as i was for indy 4. i mean who wouldnt? the first 3 were great and had everything necessary to be compiled into an awesome trilogy. then hearing that we get a fourth was astoundingly great news for all fans.

BUT

upon seeing this movie, you will find all hopes were dashed and lined with what yet again falls short of becoming anything from good. there were so many things wrong with this film i could be here for hours. but since i dont feel like doing that, and im sure you wouldnt feel like reading it, im going to let you know in a list as to why it deserves not a single star.

1-within the first 5 minutes, you can tell 100% that this was not an Indiana Jones movie. you just knew. i heard someone say it was "polished" which in my opinion couldnt be any better of a word to describe it. in that i mean that the entire movie was clean and lacked a sense of old fashion we knew and grew accustomed to with past installments.(the movies were old yes, but they didnt even try to do then in the same fashion. rad you prick) Everyone had apparently gone shopping at sears and bought the stainless khakis which mustve been on sale since no one had a speck of dirt on them even after literally rolling around in the mud. i can tolerate that, but the fact it felt like it was all done adn watched thru digital cameras, i was left with a feeling of blank and sheer dissapointment. the other ones felt old and that helped the illusion that the movies took place so long ago. this one felt like it was filmed yesterday at a "we love the 50's" convention

2-in one scene we find shia's character MUTT sword fighting with a russian enemy while standing on a moving vehicle. they come across a bunch of long vines hanging from the canopy, which is expected to of course be seen in the jungle. at which point shia is caught up in one of these vines and swung up towards the tree tops. moments later after driving miles away, we see shia swinging thru the trees on all these vines being led thru the jungle by a bunch of spider monkeys....um...ok? how did a city boy learn to do this? and to make things worse, he was able to swing at such a speed that he was able to catch up to the vehicles miles ahead and drop down onto one...yeah i know, but it gets worse trust me.

3-SPOILER**

now having seen the past 3 Indy movies, we know how things go. fighting over an artifact, crazy moments of hilarity with the bumbling bad guys, B-traps and all that and more. but in this film we are led to believe that the artifact searched for was a crystal skull. ok right? i mean no problem. BUT when you realize the skull is actually that of an alien(yes complete with a huge head, big eyes, and a tiny body[which they show]) that has magnetic properties to every metal known to man(which seems to turn on and off at random times), you are left dumfounded. they kind of rushed the idea on screen and no one, not a single person is shocked at the idea of life forms from another planet. there were space ships flying around and you actually get to see the alien at the very end get up into someones face and stare at them at which point(i say this alot) we are shown viewing thru the characters eyes and getting up close to the alien as if we the audience were about to do that first awkward kiss at the end of the night from a first date.

4-by the way shia is indys son. OOPS! trust me, i just saved you ten bucks. you didnt wana see this anyway

if you have any respectable knowledge of film or indiana jones for that matter, you will feel just as i have. and if youre a fan, you will prolly be even more critical. i felt as if spielberg had made this for the sole purpose of us fans being forced to appreciate the original 3. it was almost as if this was a big joke that he made because he was tired of us whining about making a 4th. well played steven. now wheres the real movie?

now i kno that there are basically only 4 reasons here and you guys are prolly gonna bitch about how negative and unfair i was towards this film. which is fine with me. but if you see this movie just in spite of what i told you here, and you still liked it, then you are in fact that percentage of america that finds home movies of dogs attempting to catch a frisbee and accidentally knocking aunt mildred over and on her butt absolutely fucking hilarious. (insert laugh track here) which its not.

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