9 (2009)

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"Concepts---great. Execution---Extremely lacking. "

The following might contain spoilers for those easily surprised... Then again, there really isn't anything you can spoil about this movie...

What the hell just happened? Did I just see a movie or did sixty minutes just shimmy its way out of my life without so much as an adieu? Seriously, does anyone know? The last thing I remember was going into a theater, buying over-priced concessions (Cherry Coke and Bunch-a-Crunch thank you very much), sitting in my chair and looking up just in time to see a bunch of flashy images frenetically prance across the screen... Then, just as I was prepared for the film to actually kick in---I was right back outside... No food or drink clutched tightly in either of my hands; no memory of what just transpired. Was that it? Did I just seriously pay nearly ten bucks for a brain-wash?

Well, I honestly might as well have. Plain and simple, "9" is a disappointment to say the least. I mean, you know there's a problem when the two-minute trailer exceeds everything its full-length brother has to offer. Pretty much, I look at 9 the same way I look at Hellboy 2: they're both films that I truly wanted to enjoy, but all they boil down to is a collection of cool parts that can't come close to creating a rollicking whole. Within the first ten minutes of 9, I knew there were going to be problems when absolutely NO effort was made to developing anything. Character development? Pshaw. Conflict? Nah. An actual story? Who needs it? We've got sleek visuals!!! Well, sorry Acker... I mean, that's great an' all, but actually having a narrative---even a base one at that---which is properly paced, is more important than all of the visual bravado combined. Without it, even a largely hyped flick can fall full force on its CG face *cough*cough*cough*. I mean, all of the attention by Acker and co. has been solely placed upon the eye candy, so much in fact that the movie simply has no room for anything more---well, unless you consider many unanswered questions and numerous plot holes. As I briefly hinted at above, things begin going downhill during the film's introduction when "9"---the lead doll---meets numero "2" (for seriously about two minutes), right before he's captured by the "Cat Beast". Following this, he meets the rest of the rag-tag group. Suddenly, "9" has a relentless yearning to go rescue "2" despite the fact that he just been born unto the wasted world, has no idea who "2" is, had no idea who anyone or anything is, and is suddenly---with absolutely no build up---willing to not only so rashly sacrifice himself, but the lives of others whom he guilt's into his reckless endeavor for a character that might as well have just been an extra. What could have easily fixed this however would have been an actual series of events that developed to this choice of action. Since "9's" birth directly precedes this, what would have been infinitely better would have been to show "2" finding him, and through something as simple as a montage, presented a passage of time in which "2" acts as a mentor to "9"; teaching him for weeks or months, telling him of other possible survivors---of the machines; this would have allowed us as an audience to understand why "9" would feel the need to stage such a suicidal rescue mission---he's lost someone close to him---the only person he's ever known. But since there's none of that whatsoever, there is absolutely no reasoning for "9's" immediate decision to risk all for a two-minute stranger. This might seem small---but this serves as foundation for the rest of the film's continued pointlessness. Upon the rescue, the dolls "awaken" a robotic architect which looks like a Mad Max version of 2001's hilariously monotone red-eyed villain. As the film races to its finish (it's barely an hour long), it becomes crystal clear that 9 is nothing more than a collection of ideas without anything to truly unite them. There is no real story here. Just a bunch of moments which try to trick you into thinking there's more at work than there really is. There's nothing to protect because the world is a dusty wasteland and every human is dead. The dolls have zero objectives other than to scavenge, draw, and get high off of magnetic force; the mammoth big bot antagonist is disabled and only the Cat Beast roams about and is very easily dispatched of when one doll fights it. So what's going on here? What should we care about? Who should we care about? Where's the conflict? Well, some might say it's when the biggie bot becomes sentient once more. Well, all it does is begin rebuilding its ruined robotic empire... Oh, and it wants the doll's souls for some idiotic, unexplained reason. This doesn't create urgency to me; it creates more questions. Why would the professor explain to "9" how to use the Talisman in the first place? Did he get a hit of the ol' Nostradamus and foresee "9" actually having to battle a soul-powered behemoth? And on that point, the entire soul extraction idea came about after he realized the world was going to hell because of the borg war, so why was there even a plug-in for the Talisman on the massive pile of "evil" rust, if it preceded it entirely? Why didn't he just place his entire soul into the machine in order to properly control it---he cared for it and it cared for him (as shown in the flashback where the prototype version tries to fight for his master as he's being pulled away by soldiers)? Why does the villainous orb-eyed engineer even need souls---it creates in its image just fine as it is. Why is one of the dolls a girl? It's an old man's soul... Guess he had an alternate spirit lifestyle? Do you see what I mean? There is no meaning behind any of the onscreen action. Outside of knowing that there was some bout between man and machine, we have no understanding as to why any of this is occurring or what motivations are. The film's excellent trailer (which I highly recommend you watch over the actual film) even goes as far to say, "After our world ended, their mission began." What mission?! They have no idea why they even exist! There's nothing left to save! They can't even reproduce---they're dolls! What mission?!

And then there's the voice actors... No one here does a stand-out job whatsoever. Once again, since the film is so short, I don't believe that any of the big name actors were allotted the time to truly give these characters personality. They all feel quite plain and uninspired... Jennifer Connelly, Elijah Wood, Bob Reilly, Crispin Glover (who I was really looking forward to), etc... They all say their lines, but all of them just felt so lackluster and unenthusiastic that I was bored just listening to them. On the plus side to the audio department, the sound design itself is excellent. The screeching of metal and blades as they collide with one another; the simple dangle of the doll's zippers as they bounce about with every step they take, the thunderous explosions and ricochet of projectiles... This is one facet of the film that I was quite happy they delivered on. Much like the graphics, the overall sound---not the blasé soundtrack, mind you---are one of the key aspects that attention and appreciation were definitely applied to.

And yes, the computer generated imagery does look simply wonderful. The decrepit state of the world is perfectly established via blown-out homes and the tiny detailed trinkets of yore that the dolls use as weapons, attire and furniture. This really is the bright spot on an otherwise missed opportunity. While the narrative was completely forgotten, at the very least, Shane Acker went to great lengths to make sure the film looked absolutely stunning. Sadly, the sheer lack of a compelling... Well, anything, far outweighed the style and ingenuity so well transcribed into the dilapidated landscape. Concepts---great. Execution---Extremely lacking.

At the end of the day, I, as well as the group of people that I witnessed this film with all felt ripped off. Actually, talking about it afterward only served to disappoint us more as we continued to find errors, despite its "cool" look. We had all been looking forward to this as soon as Coheed and Cambria's "Welcome Home" first played alongside the preview, and afterwards... Well, just wanted a refund for hardly an hour's worth of a movie that couldn't wait to book it to the finish line. There are some cool ideas here, but they're just ideas that don't form a full thought and only serve to make what was once just a short-film, a little bit longer.