"Eject, Ripcord! Eject! KURMA!"
"Kurma" is right. Paramount should have "bailed" out of this one.
I hesitated to watch this film in theaters because of its low reviews, but my friends and fellow associates insisted that it was a fun ride. So, I had some time yesterday to go see the first live-action take on Stephen Sommers' G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra, in a COMPLETELY empty theater, I might add. Overall, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be, until the end.
International Arms dealer and M.A.R.S director, McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), has developed a nano technology that can destroy any kind of metal and requests that NATO agents transport the first shipment. Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are among the team; however, they are attacked by some nasty aircraft and a few dozen baddies, as well as a darkly clad ex-girlfriend (Sienna Miller). Another group shows up, warding off the bad guys with some badassery. These are the Joes, but are they tough enough to keep the nanobots from the the baddies, or do they even know half the battle?
The Good:
Score. This about saved the film for me. Alan Silvestri, one of my favorites, knows how to put together a fantastic score, no matter what kind of film it is.
Action: This film never lets off the throttle. Two giant secret base attacks, cars tossed in every Paris street, and enough rounds (and crossbow bolts) to lose track of the kill score, G.I. Joe sure packs a punch. For once, in a Sommers' film, the action and relentless stunts are justified by the fictitious technology. No more falling from multiple stories without a scratch, unless you're wearing a billion dollar suit. Finally, a Sommers' film that is relativistically believable, as far as the action goes. Relentlessly driven, the film played out exactly the same way as I used to play with the toys as a kid. End with explosions and a battered base. However, so much went on that it became tiresome. I looked at my watch. 1 star gone.
Sets: Wow. Did anyone else have the G.I.Joe or Cobra complex/headquarters playsets as a kid? I did, and WOW! The sets look just like it. I felt immersed in the environments, as chaotically run as they were, bringing me back to my boyhood days when I used to dig trenches for my Joes to fight in. Well done. I hope they hire you for Thundercats.
The Bad:
The Acting: The only person I really enjoyed was Channing Tatum's character, Duke, and Ray Park's Snake Eyes. Christopher Eccleston was just annoying. Who decided to make Destro Scottish, anyway? Sienna Miller was tolerable, considering her lines were the cheesiest, but I blame the writers for that. Marlon Wayans as Ripcord was kinda fun, even if the original Ripcord is of another racial background. Not that I'm bothered by that, but his character is not one that I could really believe in. Oh yeah, and how about this? Sommers can't make a film, I guess, without bringing in his favorite actors. Brendan Fraser AND Arnold Vosloo (The Mummy) for one. What's up with Scarlett? She's a deadly genius, right? So why does she act like a valley girl? Finally, Dennis Quaid. General Hawk? What the? He's not exactly the general type. Quaid is a puppy-faced actor, not the general of an elite, kick-your-ass division. Glah!
Special Effects: Was this film supposed to look realistic? I suppose not. There were times throughout when I felt like I had paid for a PIXAR movie instead of a live-action film. The futuristic vehicles looked so cartoony when they were in use. They looked fine as a set prop.
Camera Shake: Sommers, get a guy who knows how to use a TRIPOD! There is so much action going on that you don't need to shake the camera or zoom in to the point of obscurity.
X-Men Clone: The story of this film mirrors that of X-Men in so many ways, it's laughable.
Have all the characters wear similar suits, black, instead of their original, unique attire-check
End the film by incarcerating the big baddies in "inescapable" cells-check
Have a shape shifter (or a master of disguise) impersonate a political official-check.
Villain's motive is to strike fear into the people-check
Melt someone-check
Cheesy lines-check
Etc, etc, etc-check
Shape Shifters: In story telling, a Shape Shifter is a person who is one thing and becomes another. Good guy to bad guy, and vice versa. This is one of Sommers' favorite tricks. I don't mind the role of a shape shifter. They can promote good storytelling, and in this case, the identity of The Doctor was an EXCELLENT shape shift, there is simply too much of it. I won't spoil the obvious surprises, but a story does not need more than three shape shifters. K?
And finally, The Ending: Good thing I was alone in that theater. I laughed so hard, which is why I'm giving this a 3.5 instead of a 3. Okay. Destro looks like a retarded sissy-boy, and Cobra...Cobra, Cobra. Buddy, what is up with that voice and mask! I was expecting the hissy, snake voice and the deadpan iron helmet, not a Power-Ranger's mask and a voice that makes Christian Bale's glottal batman's tone sound reasonable. I'm still laughing about it.
Thanks to this X-Men related ending, and the set up for potential sequels, I'm going to ruin the next one for you. SPOILER: Zartan's political disgust will allow him to release the big baddies and they, in turn, will resume control of Baroness. Sounds like an X-2 clone to me. :P
Okay, so this film wasn't great, but it had its moments, between its many layers of cheese. International cheese, I might add. "Haystack in a coal mine"...right... This film was predictable at times. I could point out, "that guy/girl's going to die" and then they get killed. While this is definitely a guy movie, a low IQ scoring one, it's sure to bring about the little boy in all of us.
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