THE UNBORN (2009)

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"... The evil kid in the movie? Yeah, his name’s Jumby… Yeah… Jumby…"

Ah, teeny-bopper horror... There is none quite like you... You are not at all like the R-rated horror films that tease and bully your delicate ways... While they depict on-screen violence with the ferocity of a wolf on rabies, you remain steadfast in showing us nothing at all. While they capitalize on their nudity and gratuitous sexuality, you simply tease us with oddly placed shower scenes and moments of partial undress. While they spit swear after swear from acid mouths, you mightily hold your tongue with clenched teeth. While they pride themselves on the capacity to develop proper, likeable characters, you give us hollow albeit very attractive young women and the douches they date... Ah, teeny-bopper horror... You are truly something else... Something that knows it's a dime-a-dozen---yet continues to push on despite poor reviews and the unanimous outcry of the masses to just stop... Teeny-bopper horror... You are quite the persistent bugger... Then again... At least you're not Japanese horror...

Continuing the trend which should have died a miserable death long ago, The Unborn comes busting through the door firing on every PG-13 cylinder possible. Characters are empty, the horror is poorly paced, and next to the "gotcha!" ending, the script tries its damndest not to surprise you. Seriously, when dealing with a film like this, there has to be a point when a screenwriter (in this case David S. Goyer) looks at the thoughts he's penned to paper and says, "Wait... Why am I writing this? Hasn't EVERYONE already seen this before?" Well, actually he might of and that's why he would have then said, "Guess I'll toss in backwards dogs an' crab-walkin' things!" Oh, Mr. Goyer... As interesting as some of the imagery is, not even all of the backwards crab-walking creatures in the world can cover up the massive sense of déjà vu that this film creates. Let's see, in just the first fifteen minutes of the film, we're treated to multiple scenes consisting of our heroine searching out random bumps in the night only to come up empty handed just as the music crescendos. We also get the introduction of blasé characters that were all ripped right out of Stereotypical Characters 101. Example: Protagonist doesn't know about ghosts or superstitions that are curiously surrounding her every move of late. So what should be done about this matter? Well, just toss in a black chick who's somehow actually taken the time between make-up and manicures to look up histories of the paranormal content that just happens to be so prevalent now. Right... Furthering this re-tread of characters is the hip boyfriend, the creepy little kid(s) and the knowledgeable olden folk who part with their vast knowledge of the creepy right before the ectoplasmic shit really hits the fan.

Honestly, The Unborn completely encapsulates why I typically hate films like this. Bopper-horror is typically aimed squarely at showing the newest/hottest young actors do stupid things for an hour-and-a-half until the director tries to throw in an idiotic twist at the climax (just look at the upcoming "Sorority Row"). This is exactly why I prefer horror akin to Eli Roth's first Hostel film (the second utterly dropped the bloody bomb) or Neil Marshall's The Descent rather than hot young things prancing about in their underwear screaming at all sorts of geists or killers Practically every month of every year we suffer films like the pointlessly remade Prom Night and The Uninvited, or the videogame inspired travesty that was Stay Alive (which even had the gall to mention the game Silent Hill in a statement rife with false information). Really, what don't these filmmakers get? Surely they must hear some of the bad press that their moves so readily receive. Then again, they keep getting made, so... Yeah... I guess I just don't get it. Why not create a horror film with lasting appeal that has the possibility to transcend the genre like my personal favorite "Ravenous"? Why put money into something not even appealing enough to be deemed "flavor of the month"? I know money speaks louder than words, but seriously---these flicks aren't breaking any records people (whereas---once again---the budgeted Hostel grossed more than King Kong and the Chronicles of Narnia upon its release).

Anyways...

David Goyer isn't new to this genre (he wrote all three Blade films---and yes I know---the third one did suck) so it's sad to see him fall back on such hated conventions. If anything, it seems that the concept art was done first, and then someone said, "Hey, that looks awesome! Wanna make a movie about it?" Honestly, what can I say about the Unborn that its PG-13 rating doesn't already so blatantly proclaim? You know what you're in for; it's a horror film that might hold your eyes while it's on, but one you'll forget as soon as the next wave of bopper-horror hits. Or as soon as it exits your DVD player. Whichever one comes first.

Oh, and I have to mention this just because of how ridiculous it is. The evil kid in the movie? Yeah, his name's Jumby... Yeah... Jumby...