""When They Tell You Not To Panic... That's When You Run!""
Roland Emmerich is back, folks. And this time, he has it out for the entire world! Nothing is sacred in this disaster of a film, from the total destruction of the Vatican to the equally embellished establishment of Randy's Donuts. By the time the film is over, 2012 marks a grand achievement, scoring the highest kill count in the history of Cinema: all but four thousand people on the Earth.
Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) is a divorced, limo driving, tunnel-visioned writer who has yet to sell 500 copies of his debut novel, which critic's claim to be "too sentimental and optimistic". While on a trip to Yellowstone National Park, he runs into Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), who tells him that the end of the world is coming and will start in California. Skeptical, and weirded out, Jackson returns to LA where his employer, Russian billionaire Yuri Karpov (Zlatko Buric) is making preparations to have his entire family flown to the middle of China. Adding two and two together, Jackson rents a plane and drives his family through a crumpling Los Angeles before it sinks beneath the waves. What follows is a survival adventure where the face of the Earth is unpredictable and can change at any time. Question is, where will they land when fuel runs out?
The writing (dialogue, for the most part) is not the strongest aspect of this film in any way, shape, or form, so if you're going to see 2012, hoping to hear witty one-liners, you're going to the wrong movie. 2012 is a feast for the eyes, one that audiences have never before seen on the silver screen. It's not for the ears, although the score by Harald Kloser is haunting, spine-chilling, and beautiful.
The story is weak, at best. It begins with a divorced family, a resentful oldest son, stereotypical rich people, and (groan) lastly, a rat-dog who lives while one man is crushed to death, another maimed, a woman drowns, and a man, no, several people fall to their deaths, all in the same five minutes! Silly rich people. Forget the stupid dogs and save yourself! There are plenty of dogs on that fancy ark for you to make a new pet from. Then again, this is a disaster movie. You always have to have someone with a dog, like horror films have to have slaughtered bimbos, or boy bands have to have the "sensitive" one. You would think that Hollywood has learned its lesson from Earthquake and Dante's Peak. Guess not.
Despite the weak story, the acting and overall direction for this film was handled well, and there is a bit of sound science behind all of the momentous catastrophes. The destruction of Earth is not a global alignment of the solar system, but Charles H. Hapgood's Theory of Crustal Displacement. When heightened solar activity causes the Earth's core to heat up, it treats the Earth's crust like the loosened skin of an orange, causing the Earth's surface to move and glide anywhere. How's that for plastic surgery, huh! If the sun were to behave in such a matter, the prospect of global crustal displacement is quite plausible. The attention to detail in the portrayal of this scenario is astonishing, terribly astonishing, as the greatest of all destructive forces rage across the globe.
The real question is, what would we do if we had the knowledge and hindsight that these characters had, if global events of this magnitude were to happen? Sadly, the actors in this film would handle it better than us. Perhaps this film is "too sentimental and optimistic", like Jackson's book, and maybe that's the point of 2012, to muster the call of humanity, but it would have been nicer to of have some resolution concerning the selfish Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt). Kudos to John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Morgan Lily, and Woody Harrelson for their performances. Everyone else was, sadly, unmemorable. That goes for you too, Mr. Glover.
While 2012 doesn't quite measure up to the whims and wows of Independence Day, it soars above the sketchy The Day After Tomorrow and the lowbrow 10,000 B.C. in comparison. A word from the wise: take a tub of popcorn with you, a big one, and forget the drinks. The first tidal wave doesn't show up until 110 minutes in. From that point on, you'll have another 50 minutes of water, water, and nothing but water for the rest of the film (except for a brief "run-in" with Mount Everest).
It's a dumb movie, but it's one fun dumb movie. Don't miss it!
See 2012 in theaters, since we, supposedly, won't live long enough to enjoy the rental.
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