"F*** off. I liked it. "
"Really?" She said with a strained look on her face. "You're shitting me. Right? There's no way you liked Paul Blart." But I did. I liked it a lot. I laughed twice. And I never laugh at movies. Never. Why did I think it was funny? Maybe because I like watching losers get the best of everybody. But really, it's Kevin James. I've never seen his stand-up. Nor have I seen his long running syndicated sitcom King of Queens. I refused to watch Chuck & Larry on sheer principle alone. But now I'm rethinking that. This is an Adam Sandler collaboration, too. Maybe I'd like their previous combined efforts. Paul Blart is better than Bedtime Stories. Heck, it's better than the last ten movies that Sandler has slapped his name on. And that includes the Judd Apatow produced Zohan. James is quiet. Understated. He doesn't go over the top when it's not necessary. He certainly isn't grating. And watching this fat little man perform the stunts his own screenplay requests of him is a treat in and of its self. Half the time, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
People will be quick to call this a turkey. Retarded and awful, and hinged to the filthy tactics usually associated with the Sandler camp. It still has that juvenile mystique to it. There's no denying that. But it rests on a higher plateau. Simply because its more inconspicuous. You could even call its first fifteen minutes droll. James works up to his flop sweat in a timely manner. He doesn't just jump on the joke, letting his flesh fly like shrapnel. And in the process, he builds himself into the finest physical comedian working today. Frankly, I didn't think he had it in him. But like Chevy Chase, he services the pratfall. It doesn't serves him. I just hope he doesn't get doped up on painkillers in the process and turn into the dick Chase did back in his SNL heyday. The amazing thing about watching James on screen in Paul Blart: Mall Cop is that he is continually doing the unexpected. At first you're not really phased, because you'll think to yourself, "Ah, its just a stuntman in a fat suit." But then the camera tilts slightly to the left, and you can tell without a doubt that it is in fact Kevin, sans CGI face implementation, falling fifty stories into a vat of bounce house balls. Or slamming himself full force into a set of locked glass doors. Or being drug through the mall behind a rascal.
The stunts are what sold me on Paul Blart. The film could have been another tossed-off comedy sold on the quick. But Steve Carr took the time to choreograph his well-executed action scenes. And each one pays off in unanticipated, realistic ways. The script by James and his writing partner Nick Bakay is a reimagining of Die Hard. Down to the fact that it takes place around Christmas. Only Bruce Willis' John McClane is now a mall security officer with a crush on one of the kiosk girls. And his Achilles' heel is sugar. He's hypoglycemic, and when he doesn't treat himself to the occasional Pixie Stix, he falls asleep at the wheel. Which leads to some quite funny moments you wouldn't normally expect in a cops and robbers shoot-em-up. Dare I say it was refreshing for fear of getting laughed out of the Cineplex?
One problem I've always had with Sandler's movies is his choice of actresses. He always picks these super hot chicks to be his girlfriend. And why shouldn't he? I just never believed it. What are they doing with a shlub like Adam? It always reeked of the casting couch, and the comedian has accumulated a stable of bitches that rivals James Bond's own cherry picked catalogue of gorgeous faces. I was afraid the same thing was about to happen here, with James in Mall Cop. Sure, we've seen him paired up with Leah Remini, and he has a hot model wife. The guy must be doing something right. But as his character is presented in the film, you wouldn't believe it if he hooked up with one of Sandler's Girls. And at first glance, Jayma Mays fits that mold. With her big Keane eyeballs and sexy frame, she looks like a cell phone model. She plays Amy, the proprietor of a wig kiosk in Blart's mall (I won't give away the bodega's name, as its one of the funniest jokes in the film). Pretty and nice, she is the object of Paul's unobtainable desire. And at first glance, you think, "Yeah, right. Like she'd hook up with that guy." But from the moment he strolls up on his mall issued Segway and starts engaging her in conversation, you can feel that something is off. It's in her mannerisms and her speech. This isn't one of Sandler's girls at all. Mays creates a lonely kiosk woman that is believable. And she seems the perfect female match for Blart.
Their scenes together are rather sweet, and they form a unique bond not often seen in these types of goofy comedies. James really owes a lot to Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin. He understands how important somberness is. And without him, the film would be just another throwaway rental. Hopefully, next time, he'll pick a better director. If the film has one problem, it's in the structuring of the story and how it is presented on screen. At first, a great deal is made out of Paul Blart working on Black Friday. It's supposed to be the day of the hostage takeover at his mall. But once Black Friday hits, it becomes an afterthought. They don't dwell on this post Thanksgiving tradition for very long, and its quite inconsequential to the plot. One of my contemporaries suggested that maybe they cut back on any Black Friday references due to those that got trampled at Wal*Mart this year. Or maybe Steve Carr is just a shitty storyteller. His films have never been considered the most consistent comedies on the planet. He's a guy that demands and relies on the prowess of his leading man alone. His projects are fueled by personality, and luckily this particular family comedy has a lot to spare. Otherwise, it would suck as much as you think it's going to.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop has attuned me to Kevin James' great physical abilities as a comedic actor. Almost every moment he is on screen is awe-inspiring to watch. It has the same sort of shocking quality that a Jackass film offers. You simply cannot believe some of the things this guy pulls off. Especially at his weight and stature. I hope he keeps honing this gift. And figures out a way not to become hooked on pain killers. James' nice guy persona won't be able to withstand the halting change of pace a severe pain mood swing can suddenly offer. Though most people will scoff at this dour party offering, I found it to be a lot of fun. And I wouldn't mind seeing it again.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop? Whoop-doo!
(All of B. Alan Orange's reviews are based on the Boo! or Whoop-doo! evaluation system.)
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