MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D (2009)

Add Review To List
Add Film To List
Write Your Own Review

"Even without the 3D, this is still a great slasher flick. Harry Warden graciously earns a place next to Freddy, Jason, and Mike in the hallowed halls of stalker fame. "

3D and horror have been locked in a weird sort of relationship ever since they first met. They're like that quarreling high school couple that always gets back together after the big game. The football team has won, the nerds are getting picked on less, and it just seems like a great day for a reunion. Of course, its always horror that does the dumping. That first kiss is great. But then comes the headache. And the eye rub. The nostalgia wears thin, and before the fateful climax, glasses come off and no one cares. The first 3D movie was a horror flick. The 80s 3D resurgence was dominated by horror flicks. And now, after a team of 3D kiddy cartoons has plagued our Saturday morning matinees, this three-dimensional immersion system is once again hugging on our favorite slashers. Death will get his turn this summer in the sequel Final Destination: Death Trip 3D. But first, the famed process can be found smooching the remake My Bloody Valentine 3D under the bleachers.

It must be said. Even without the 3D glasses, this renewed birthing of the Harry Warden mythos is a pretty solid entry in the slasher cannon. It honors the original Canadian sleeper hit from the 80s while adding new and unusual twists to its preexisting storyline. Director Patrick Lussier was an editor on all three Scream films, and he must have learned a lot about the genre while working beside Wes Craven on those great late-90s mysteries. He is able to perfectly marry the traditional 80s "Ten Little Indians" murder style with Craven's undoubting whodunit, and in the process he creates something that is perfect for our current cinematic times. It isn't new. It isn't old. It's now. Lussier's returning characters aren't immersed in the world of Grindhouse gore. They don't go around spouting tricks and misnomers heard at the local Cineplex. They don't crack wise about Mike Myers or Freddy Krueger. But they are smart. They handle their killer like a real person, not some mutant retard with super powers. Basically, the victims here treat their situation a lot like the cops do in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. They do everything you think you'd do in this situation. Only sometimes better. There are no, "Don't go in there!" moments to be found in the film's tight running time. There isn't any dumb resolve. And there aren't any cat scares. When something jumps out of the shadows, he's more than likely carrying a pickaxe. And that pickaxe is definitely going into someone's head.

The film is gory. And you will be amazed at the various different ways one man can kill with nothing more than his trusty mining equipment. As the film has been purposely filmed in 3D, its Lussier's intent to splatter the audience with blood. The death scenes come at a quick clip. They are fast, and brutal, and never allow for a dull moment. The strange thing about the story is, its actually interesting. You're not really waiting around for some teen to get chopped up. Just as your settling into this fine mystery about the unknown killer, he's back and waving that damn black pickaxe at your face. Eyeballs are ripped out, jaws are dislodged, and some very large holes are driven into more than one person's skull. At one point, Selene Luna shows up, and you're thinking, "They're not going to decimate this little lady, are they?" Sure enough, the film proves its carrying elephant balls as it scoops up this tiny person and nails her to the ceiling. Moments later, the killer is ripping out the heart of a pregnant high schooler. And to think, producer Craig Perry shit-talked Valentine on the set of his latest Final Destination film.

What a dick.

Perry claimed that his team was making the first Real-D 3D horror flick. And he was upset that My Bloody Valentine would reach theaters first. Because of that, he took to bashing on the director. He said the movie was going to look shitty. And that the story was going to suck. Simply because Lussier didn't have time to figure out all this new 3D business that was suddenly at his disposal. Those were fighting words, for sure. And Lussier rose to the challenge. Not only did he figure out the camera, but he also put it to good use. Now its up to Perry and his team to respond in kind. Will their film be any good? It's hard to say at this point. Because 3D is still a marketing tool. A high concept trend. The only difference now is that it looks better than it did back in the day. It's not blurry. It will still give you a headache, but you don't have to deal with the red and blue/green haze of yesterday's glasses. It sure is neat, but those objects never really seem to break the wall between the audience and the plot itself. Watching My Bloody Valentine was like watching a movie in a box. It made me extremely aware of the screen's outer edges. There was depth. But without a good screenplay, that depth would have been lost and tossed aside like an old jelly jar. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed this aspect of the film. But it's a strong enough story that I would have enjoyed it sans the Tom Cruise Ray-Bans. Lussier flies in the face of other 3D friendly directors with this superior outing. Supporters of the gimmick often tell us that it's being used to create a field of immersion. Not Lussier. He uses it like an old trickster, throwing every possible bit of gore in our face. The problem is, I never once went, "Holy crap! There's blood on my new sweater!" Or, "The killer's beside me! Run!" The reaction was more like, "Eh, that was pretty neat. Huh?"

The main reason the film works so well is the killer. He's a pretty good slasher, and he never really got his due back in the day. He is quite iconic in his head to toe black miner's uniform and oxygen mask. And you've got to admit, his killing tool of choice is pretty great. In the opening prologue, Warden kills twenty-three people in morbid fashion. This first reel successfully reestablishes the miner as a bad ass and sets up the rest of his backstory perfectly. Every time he lumbers on screen, stumbling towards his next hack and slash, you can't help but suck it in and worship the awesomeness. The mystery at the heart of this fable rests on figuring out who Harry Warden really is. Like Scream, we are given numerous red herrings to chew on. Everyone from Warden's ghost to the black deputy is suspected of being the killer. And the final climax is actually pretty groovy. I won't let it slip, but let's just say that this first new outing sets itself up for some pretty interesting sequels. Something the original never got.

My Bloody Valentine's secret weapon is, of course, Jensen Ackles. Fans of the hit CW show Supernatural will feel compelled to shout "Dean!!!!" Every time he walks on screen. Here, he takes the lead as Tom Hanniger; a young miner that causes Harry Warden's decent into madness. On the tenth anniversary of Warden's massacre and death, he returns home to sell his father's mine. And he winds up in one of the craziest love triangles ever imagined for a slasher flick. Heck, they all look crazy. His best friend, played by Dawson's Creek resident homo Kerr Smith, has shacked up with his high school sweetheart, the nerd-lovely Jamie King. And as old emotions start to rush to the surface, it looks as though they are all about to fly off their rocker in ribald fashion. Who did what and to whom is a question often asked in these films. Here, you're never really quite sure who's on the up and up. And Ackles shines as the king of weirdoes. He's so handsome, yet so nutty. The fact that you actually grow to care about any one of these three is a testament to the power of Todd Farmer and Zane Smith's screenplay. Yet, at the end of the day, you are sort of left wondering, "How would the Winchester brothers have handled this?"

Probably with a lot of style and some quiet resolve. But that's beside the point.

As it stands, My Bloody Valentine 3D is a great remake of an old cult classic. It doesn't steal anything away from the joys of watching the original, and adds an element of depth that wasn't there before. It honors its ancestors, and brings something new to the game. It's cool on many different levels. It gets a fairly big Whoop-Doo!

(All of B. Alan Orange's reviews are based on the Boo! or Whoop-doo! evaluation system.)