TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009)

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"This celluloid abortion should be buried in a vault and shown to film students as an example of big Hollywood at its worst."

Michael Bay should be tarred and feathered for directing the steaming pile of feces that is "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen". The film is an obscenity laden, racially offensive, and sexist orgy of CGI fighting robots. It takes a beloved cartoon and bastardizes it completely. The first film was somewhat watchable. This celluloid abortion should be buried in a vault and shown to film students as an example of big Hollywood at its worst.

The story, and I do use that term loosely, is about the Decepticons search for a secret weapon hidden on earth thousands of years ago. Megatron is the 'apprentice' of another Transformer called 'The Fallen', who has been exiled off earth and itching for a comeback. Sam (Shia LaBeouf) has a shard of the all-spark, which has given him the knowledge to find the location of the weapon. So the Decepticons are hell bent on finding Sam, while Optimus Prime and the Autobots must protect him, and the entire planet.

Before I rip into the parts of the film that really pissed me off, let's take a critical eye to something that Michael Bay is supposedly good at - action scenes. The film has every manner of robot fighting and destroying en masse carnage. The problem is that you never really see what's happening in detail. The scenes move at a rapid pace, with a lot of quick edits, and confusing imagery. I give them credit for two scenes, a fight with Optimus in a forest, and Devastator shredding a pyramid in Egypt. But all the other action is done in a way so you can't pay close attention. Meanwhile, and this is so amateurish, you have numerous scenes of Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox running in slow motion with explosions everywhere. The world is being blown to bits around them, but they remain unscathed as they run, in slow motion, through the destruction. It's been a while since I've seen slow motion this overdone and poorly used.

Now let's get right down to the suck. This movie is an hour too long. That hour is filled with some of the worst filler material in a film that is supposedly geared toward children. The language is crude, characters - Transformers dropping F-bombs, saying words like 'pussy' and 'shit' as if that's the limit of their vocabulary. Then you have two Autobots who look like monkeys, have gold teeth, and are pretty much doing a shucking and jiving routine throughout the entire film. Top this off with the fact that every woman is a silicon stuffed hoochie with tits, ass, and no real dialogue. Seriously, Megan Fox has almost no lines and she's noticeably absent from huge chunks of the film. But pops up when you need to see boobies bouncing in slow motion.

I'm stupefied that Steven Spielberg and the Paramount brass allowed this film to be released as is. It is not in the true spirit of the cartoon, has no cinematic value, and is truly distasteful. The cynic in me thinks that this entire film is just a huge advertisement for toy sales. They couldn't give a hoot about making a good movie, but wanted to pack in as many fighting robots as possible to line the shelves of toy stores. Michael Bay is a hack, plain and simple. Every time I want to give him a sliver of respect, he embarrasses himself with another brainless film. It will be a huge hit, but doesn't deserve a nickel. Hands down the worst film of the summer so far.