THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS (2009)

Add Review To List
Add Film To List
Write Your Own Review

"Don't eat the eggs."

I've been eagerly anticipating The Men Who Stare at Goats ever since I stumbled across it one night on imdb. This amazing cast list popped up before me all of a sudden and I thought it was a joke at first. Like some dickhead had made up some incredible movie and somehow got it posted on imdb for unwary stoners like me to come by it and believe all the bullshit. Thankfully, I didn't have to go all Jay and Silent Bob on everybody and start hunting down ip addresses, going door to door stomping a bunch of shit talking internet turds. This movie was for real.

At least I think it was.

The Men Who Stare at Goats is a look at the stranger side of our armed forces. Psychic spies and Jedi Warriors are abundant throughout this total mind-job of a flick. It's hard to describe what it's about (it's as much about war as it is divorce, as much about journalism as it is LSD) but I'll try my best to get the storyline down-

"Bob, a reporter, get's dumped by his wife for a dude with one arm. So he goes to Iraq to prove he's not a.... While searching for stories in Iraq, he finds one in the form of Lyn Cassady, a "retired" Jedi Warrior with plenty of stories to tell about his days in the, "New Earth Army." Bob tags along with Lyn through the Middle East on what he believes is a trip to a new job of Lyn's, all the while compiling this fantastic and really far out story about psychic soldiers. Shit turns south though for Bob, and he finds himself alone in the desert with a really weird George Clooney.

Bob and George...excuse me, Bob and Lyn, eventually find their way out of the desert and Bob manages to find something inside himself that he wasn't quite sure was there. And in the end, he learns that the world needs a Jedi now more than ever."

....

That is the gayest summary ever. But it's to the point, so whatever. I left out Jeff Bridges because I really couldn't think of a way to throw him in. He delivers one of his funniest roles to date though, The Dude excluded of course. However, his role as New Earth Army founder, Bill Django, is a little Dude around the edges. In his voice and his eyes especially, you get a glimpse at a Jeffrey Lebowski 11 years later. Jeff Bridges only gets better and better. I await Tron Legacy and the upcoming Coen remake of True Grit like a pre-teen does titties.

But enough about titties. Back to Goats. There are a bunch of goats in this film obviously. One on which pretty much the entire plot hinges on, if there even is a plot to this movie. I struggle to find one. Bob get's over his wife in the end, but that's about all the resolution there is. It's basically just one big psychic journey through the desert with one of the best casts I have seen in a long time.

Kevin Spacey, Ewan McGregor, George Clooney, Stephen Root, Stephen Lang, Jeff Bridges, and Robert Patrick aka Special Agent John Doggett aka T-1000. When was the last time you saw Robert Patrick in something that seriously kicked ass? And he's hilarious as this dickhead, Todd Nixon, who storms around Iraq in huge SUV's with a Security Force, engaging in firefights with other Security Forces, and then blaming it on Iraqi insurgents. We have Kevin Spacey playing the Evil Genius, Larry Hooper. He really is a little Evil Genius, running around in a fit of jealousy trying to fuck with everybody like some stoned Lex Luthor. He's one of the good guys though overall, and he's funny as shit the entire movie. Ewan McGregor plays the lead, Bob, a divorced reporter that's always felt he was meant for something more. He and Clooney are amazing together as they pal around throughout the desert. Whether they're being taken hostage in the middle of nowhere, or running over IED's in the middle of nowhere, these two are absolutely hilarious as the Jedi Master and his apprentice.

I came on here tonight to rate and review this complete head fuck of a movie and found it with an average rating of 3.4. Nothing to sneeze at of course, but it had me questioning my 5 stars, which I try not to dole out so flippantly. Here is my reasoning though. Rarely does a film confuse me as much as The Men Who Stare at Goats did tonight. For the most part, upon leaving a theatre, I know exactly in my heart and mind what it was that I saw. Like, "Oh! That was Watchmen. A groundbreaking adaptation of a graphic novel that fucking seriously ruled,"...or..."Oh! That was Forrest Gump. Pretty much the most awesome movie ever,"...or..."Hey! That was Spiderman 3. What the hell did I just pay for?" My point being, as soon as I finish a movie I can pretty much tell what it was that I saw.

But with Goats, I'm just like, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...," and rarely does a film leave me confused like this. I can name a few off the top of my head. Donnie Darko for sure. And definitely The Big Lebowski, my favorite movie in the world and in my opinion (which is better than your opinion and the best opinion ever...ever) the greatest movie in existence. Dreamcatcher was pretty fucking out there as well. So was Gummo. But lets not get into that. My point is, I'm not just some douchey George Clooney fanboy handing out 5 stars because he had an awesome mustache in the movie. I'm gonna need to see this one again and think about it, and who knows, my rating will probably change, but for the moment, The Men Who Stare at Goats gets 5 stars for leaving me not only clutching my sides from hysterical laughter, but scratching my head and wondering what the fuck it was that I just saw.