TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009)

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"How to kill a francise: Michael Bay style"

Wow I figured after seeing the trailer for this movie for the first time I would start my review with that word "wow" although I never expected it to end with the words "complete S***" which this movie is complete S***.

Now don't get me wrong as a child of the eighties I grew up watching the cartoon series, collecting the toys, and destroying older brother "decepticons" with an energized foam sword. Ok so maybe we all didn't share the same passion for the 30 minute ads for the toys but hardly anyone can deny the sheer awesomeness of the live action movie. A movie that took us all by surprise that was filled witty dialogue and more explosions than Chinese New Year. Transformers was a movie that was big on action, little on depth, but enough cool to keep viewers entertained. In other words Summer Blockbuster Defined.

Sadly the same cannot be said about the sequel. Now regardless of what I say people are going to flock to see this junk pile of a movie but im taking this time to warn watchers of the most lazy, unfunny, drab storytelling this year this side of Watchmen.

The story begins some two years after the first. Relax if you haven't seen the first as the sequel makes almost no recollection from the first. (What happened to the old Witwicki motto "no sacrifice no victory"? that was shoved down our thoughts last movie?)

The auto bots (good guys now work for a special government strike force to track down hidden Decepticons (bad guys) all across the planet. Its here where the complaints start. As we see a hundred foot robot battle across town to which the government covers it up? How can you cover up a giant robot battle especially when there been happening for two years? I half expected will Smith to pop up with his flasher doohickey from men in black.

After a badass robot on robot fight scene we are again introduced to the Witwicki family as young Sam (Shia Labeouf) sets off for his first day of college. Yada yada yada later still we meet why at least half the people in the audience showed up as we see young Mikaela (Megan "uber hot" fox) thru the eyes of a perverted camera man (Bay) as she has doubts of her an Sam's relationship falling apart as after two LONG years he hasn't told her he loves her. (!?)Now obviously Sam suffered some brain damage from the last movie as most of us guys would say I love you to her while sticking there head into a live bee hive or watching her last movie How to lose friends and alienate people, (most of us would choose the former.)

I would like to continue the synopses but as mentioned earlier the storyline is like trying to explain cleavage to a blind man, you can do it, but you have to see for yourself to really understand it.

Overall the movie is confusing and uninspired. Labeouf's character grows up a bit and doesn't seem as whiney this time around as he's joined by his tanner more obnoxious roommate Leo Spitz (seriously) who runs an alien website that goes absolutely nowhere and is soon forgotten. Aside from this Douche were introduced to a pushy home wreaker named Alice (who spoiler ALERT! is actually a decipticon!) now this is where the movie really took me out as its one thing that these giant robots can mimic machinery but somehow it can take the shape and movement of a chick strait out of girls gone wild? Sorry not buying it.

Also returning is John Turturro's character the likeable jerk agent Simmons, although Simmons is a welcome return, Turturro's performance is lazy and forced.

Among all the drab performances we are bombarded by some of the cheesiest jokes this side of an Adam Sandler movie. You know the ones im talking about: the humping dog, (where Bay actually takes it one step further by having a humping robot) and distasteful "guy in a thong" gag. All the jokes would make Rob snider raise his chin at and almost makes you wonder with such a big budget going towards special effects, all that they could afford are some really cheap jokes.

All in all a huge disappointment that is reminiscent of the pirate and Matrix sequels, you know a movie is bad when you get to three quarters of the movie and you wish it would just hurry up and end. This is largely due to the "twin robots" that are as one blogger noted Jar Jar bots. They destroy any dignity the movie had with overly racist overtones as the "minority robots" who can't read and can't get along with each other and who talk like they stepped off the set of a leprechaun in the hood movie; heck one of them even has a gold tooth and big ears. Bay has said he put the characters in as comic relief and for children who makes absolutely makes no sense as the overused cussing by these characters throws that out the window. I half expected them to be voiced by Seth Rogan. Nuff said indeed.

The Good: Aside from the half assed story, were treated to some fantastic giant robot battles, Optimus Prime this time around shows why he's the leader of the Auto bots and fan favorate by kicking major A** on three Decipticons at ounce although this begs the question if Optimus is this powerful why was he getting tossed like a hacky sack in the first movie? Oh and Megan fox sure is purty hehehehehehe.

The Bad: Pretty much everything else. So so performances, unfunny jokes, and two of the most God awful movie characters this side of Jar Jar Binks.

The Ugly: The fact that Michael Bay released a half assed movie that will still kill box office revenue, hey Bay, you can polish a turd all you like but in the end its still just a piece of s***.