Worst Animated Film:Space Chimps. This crudely drawn tale of a stunt monkey sent to space gleefully waisted the talents of Andy Samberg and Cheryl Hines while providing absolutely no nutritional value or entertainment for the poor lost children that wandered into it's lackluster ways by accident, thinking they were going to see something funny. The jokes were musty, and the humans looked as though someone squeezed Chris Burke out of a year old tube of toothpaste. The aliens were possibly the worst space concepts ever conceived for the screen, and when all was said and done, this played worse than a Hanna-Barbara cheapie from some lost 70s Saturday morning. The worst part? Kristin Chenoweth as Kilowatt, a little squawk-voiced light bulb entity that gets eaten by a monster only to come shinning out of its rectum later in the film. So hard to sit through, it became a mental struggle to keep cognizant throughout its ass-fist like ways. It was the worst in generic fruity breakfast cereals. And it gave me a stomachache.
Worst Comic Book Movie:The Spirit. A fiasco? A cluster f*ck? An incomprehensible mess? Gaudy? Superfluous? Too weird for the mainstream? Down right dog sh*t? Yes, Frank Miller's first foray into directing his own superhero movie were all of these things and more. How could it not be? Miller aped Rodriguez's Sin City aesthetics (which his name is tied to as a co-director) and took them in a new and fascinating direction. Fascinating because it's a real head scratcher. How could such a simple story play out so awfully on screen? Was it Samuel L. Jackson's M.C. Hammer pants that brought down the legitimacy of this project as a whole. Or was it the fact that this thing was entirely built in a barn against green screen sheets that provided the actors with no sense of security whatsoever? I think the fault line rips through the chest of Miller himself. Did he really direct this? Or was he sitting somewhere in a chair, staring blankly at a monitor, sipping whiskey while a group of second unit misfits called the shots. Hard to say, really. But I'm inclined to believe the second part of that sentiment. Look, the fact that Miller can't properly shave his neck without leaving long unsightly hairs protruding from the base of the skin should have been some indication that he was incapable of bringing Will Eisner's beloved art to the big screen. Was Miller's heart truly in this? Or was he trying to cash a fast paycheck on the back of all that fat praise he earned in the day? The man has a distinct style that is pure and half-part genius. Hopefully he will use The Spirit as a learning tool towards producing something worthwhile. There is no doubt that this toxic waist will someday become a cult minorpiece amongst Miller enthusiasts. But for the public at large, it only weighed heavily on their pocket books. And provided nothing in return.
Worst Thriller:One Missed Call. Director Eric Valette took Takashi Miike's Japanese ghost story and repurposed it for a bunch of thirteen-year-old girls. The result was nothing short of unwatchable. This tale of a killer cell phone made fools and tools out of both the beautiful Shannyn Sossamon and the usually excellent Edward Burns. Forced to deliver a handful of mumble-mouthed lines and act scared at the weakest jump scare in history, this duo didn't even get to consummate their impending love on screen before falling victim to the unholy demonic powers of Sprint and AT&T. What was already a ludicrous plot device became an even more stupendous idea once it played itself into reality. One Missed Call is laughably bad. MST3K bad. At one point, a burnt corpse falls on top of Sossamon and you half-expect her to start making out with its gruesome visage. This isn't rotgut whiskey. It's a bottle of Sisqo mixed with blueberry yogurt. And that's proved to be neither pleasant coming into or going out of the body. It gave me the corn sh*ts.
Worst Drama:Savage Grace. This is weenus-down (because it made me flaccid) the worst film I had to sit through this year. And that notion may very well bleed into the upcoming years surrounding it. Savage Grace is both a pointless and ultimately tedious look at one tiny piece of American pop culture minutia. The film tells the horror story of the Bakelite family, and it gathered buzz for its lurid tales of incest. Sadly, those tales were quite vomitous. The usually not-so modest Julianne Moore, number one gunner on the cinematic beaver parade, never once strips down to that 2% milk colored body of hers. And the movie, as well as the audience, might just be better for it. The narrative goes a little something like this: Boring, boring boring! Julianne has a three way with her son and a gay suitor. Boring. She soccer balls her son while fully clothed. Off come the panties and its one of the most grotesque sex scenes seen in 2008. When the kid fails to cum, she pull-pops her sloppy gooch of his pencil thin business and proceeds to give him a handy with the butter cream. There's some more boring narrative. And then the kid stabs Moore with a kitchen knife. The end. I never actually fell asleep during the film, but I wanted to. The gratuitous, red skirted love scenes are some of the worst simply because the guy she is pink-momming is a dead ringer for Hans Klopek. And the film plays like some odd prequel to the 'Burbs. Now I know what was wrong with that kid in Joe Dante's 1989 cult classic. Ray Peterson had every right to be suspicious. This horrible little slice of wrongness is pure, unfiltered assjuice.
Worst Comedy: Gosh, take your pick. There were so many. Ten thousand pounds of unfunny were haphazardly tossed in the face of our film going community this year like a handful of spunk Spider-manned off a dead hobo's hand. It was greasy flute choogle, and there are far too many bad comedies to pick from. Possible the hollowest turd to come down the pike was Over Her Dead Body, which saw Eva Longoria Parker returning from the grave to spy on her fiance as he made mad love to the new girl in his life. Not even Paul Rudd could save this one. He looked trapped in an Iron Maiden of his own making. Then there's The Foot Fist Way. This "acquired taste" aperitif left me baffled. Why were so many of our top comedic actors fighting over the rights to this seriously lucid business? I just didn't get it! This sh*t just wasn't funny. There's maybe one classic bit in its entire 80 minute running time. It's like a joke-free version of Hot Rod; and I don't remember too many people chuckling through that intensive labor ordeal either. The Foot Fist Way came on like some sort of horrible nightmare, and brought back bad memories I hadn't thought of in years. Tae Kwon Do class. Danny McBride looks and acts almost exactly like my instructor back when I was eight, trying to unsuccessfully protect myself while throwing ninja stars. Those are some pretty repressed times. They didn't scar me. I'd just rather forget about those sweaty nights practicing my punch against a non-reciprocal wall. This film is a bad memory I've unsuccessfully tried to shake out of my brain. As it stands, The Foot Fist Waystinks like the pit of my fourteen year old Doo Mu Duk. How to Lose Friends and Alienate People proved to be the stinging moment Simon Pegg lost all of his geek credibility. It might as well have been titled Bonfire of the Vanities 2: The Downfall of Nerd Cool. The film came on like some lost 80s retake on the filmmaking and publication business. The notion has been sold a billion times before, and there wasn't one new joke or smile to be found here. We even got handed the requisite "dog jumps out a window" bit. Which is certainly played out beyond all means, and I can't believe a gifted writer such as Pegg stooped to being photographed while accomplishing such a retarded retread of a so-called joke. I wasn't amused. Strange Wilderness was an improv mess that allowed its comedic masterminds to run free. The editor was left holding dead dick in his hand, and he did his best to make it presentable. Watchable? That's another story. And finally, we have American Zombie, which was about as hilarious as a vasectomy without painkillers. This faux mockumentary tried hard to be about something, implementing George Romero's life in downfall metaphors, but it came out the other end a boring, flaccid experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. All in all, these were some pretty bad comedies.
Worst Horror Film:Cloverfield. Here was a film sold on hype and hype alone. I can't believe that so many people still pretend to believe that they enjoyed this headache-in-a-can. More than half of its shaky cam madness was unwatchable. And don't even get me started on the monster. Ol' Cloverfield had testicle cheeks? WTF? This thing looked more like Wally Cox than it did a street destroying smash-'em-up. Godzilla could crush this thing in a heartbeat. It looked like something that crawled out of Godzuki's fish dunkle. I was seriously disappointed in the design of J.J. Abrams' fetish whore. The thing is basically a mutant armadillo with man titties. And those wild eyeballs? This war waging beast reminded me of Francis the Talking Mule on a coke bender. I still can't believe they got me so psyched to see..."That". That F*cking Thing. With its greasy uncooked frog legs. And its pedestrian smile. The movie is pretty fucking bad, too. Almost a year later, my left eyeball is still pulsating from that loose Blair Witch-inspired camera work. I don't get those who've stated that Cloverfield is a great cinematic achievement. It is dogsh*t sold on the end of a Syracuse Tai stick. It is like all of the boring parts from every single Godzilla movie ever made rolled into one. Only with less monster. Brilliant? I say donkey dunkle! I'd like to kick this sick bitch back up Abrams' butt hole where it came from. Because that's where it belongs. The pubic lice in the subway tunnel? Too little, too late my friend. So don't try using that as an excuse for telling me it was any good. I clocked the screen. Less than four minutes of the Cloverfield monster make an appearance? That smells like a rip-off. Heck, the entire movie only lasted 71 minutes. I was supposed to pay twelve dollars for that? I don't think so, chief.
Worst Sci-Fi Flick: It's really quite a toss up between The Day the Earth Stood Still and Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Though Keanu came with some pretty blank and impressive moves as Klaatu in this end of year thriller, it proved to be quite a boring, incoherent mess. The film came on like a directionless hobo, wandering all over the place, yet never really going anywhere. This was as pointless as remakes get, and I really haven't seen one this poorly executed since John Moore jumped behind the lens of 2006's The Omen. It was like watching someone feverishly pump air into a slashed tire only to ride away on a flat, flip smacking the pavement as they don't even make it out of the driveway. After some odd bits of character development, it shifts grinding gears to become a "sort of" disaster movie. It's a jarring jolt of sudden stupidity that, while upholding the thematic elements of the original film, makes you not want to go anywhere near it for quite sometime. Though things start off promisingly with a well-made prologue and an exciting alien arrival scene, I can precisely pinpoint the moment things went completely off the rails and never recovered. And nope, it wasn't the ridiculously computer-painted Gort that presents itself in the first fifteen minutes, either. I am talking about Kathy Bates. Seriously. What the heck was she doing in my Keanu Reeves sci-fi holiday extravaganza? This was the worst kind of miscasting. Its like she wandered off the stages of Tyler Perry's latest family face drubbing and accidentally stepped into Day's studio barn while they were shooting. No one questioned her presence because she's Kathy Bates. No one wanted to speak up and state the obvious. She is like a cancerous growth on this pristine film stock. She arrives in her Sears Gold Collection evening wear (no, really, she wears the same cheap, ugly jacket throughout the entire duration of the day in the title) and pretends to be some sort of authoritative voice. Her presence completely ruins the entire movie. I haven't seen one actor do this much of a disservice to a single film in a very long time. Except for maybe Jabba the Hutt's Uncle Ziro, a drag queen lizard that sounded like Truman Capote doing an impersonation of Richard Simmons. Seriously, folks. This was the moment that proved, without a doubt, that George Lucas has totally lost his mind. Ziro makes Jar Jar Binks look like a welcome dinner guest, and Star Wars: The Clone Wars makes The Star Wars Holiday Special look like a winning masterpiece. Yes, this was a sad year for science fiction. In deed.
Worst Spoof: Was there really anything we could have considered a good spoof at this current point in time? Nearly every single so-called parody film was atrocious. The worst was certainly Disaster Movie. But Meet the Spartans came in a close second. Superhero Movie actually had some solid laughs, but it wasn't a great film by any means. This is one genre that is over and done with. Though more are scheduled for 2009, I declare a moratorium on the Spoof film. Sadly, the twelve year olds that like to spend their parents' disposable income do not concur. So this trend will continue for quite some time. It's a sad state of affairs. But the truth of the matter is, they do make money. The spoof is an unstoppable train at this point in time. And they will be around until they stop accumulating the cash. They are cheap and easy to make. And kids eat them like the bad, mouth rotting candy that they are.
And that's it for our Worst of 2008 list. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a shower and wash this past year off my skin. It's making me itch. And my brain is starting to tingle in a massive stroke sort of way.
CREATE YOU OWN 2008 LIST NOW!
Space Chimps was released July 18th, 2008 and stars Andy Samberg, Cheryl Hines, Jeff Daniels, Patrick Warburton, Kristin Chenoweth, Kenan Thompson, Carlos Alazraqui, Zack Shada. The film is directed by Kirk De Micco.
The Spirit was released December 25th, 2008 and stars Jaime King, Gabriel Macht, Dan Gerrity, Arthur the Cat, Kimberly Cox, Brian Lucero, David Brian Martin, Larry Reinhardt-Meyer. The film is directed by Frank Miller.
One Missed Call was released January 4th, 2008 and stars Shannyn Sossamon, Edward Burns, Ana Claudia Talancón, Ray Wise, Azura Skye, Johnny Lewis, Jason Beghe, Margaret Cho. The film is directed by Eric Valette.
Savage Grace was released June 13th, 2008 and stars Julianne Moore, Stephen Dillane, Anne Reid, Martin Huber, Minnie Marx, Jim Arnold, Mapi Galán, Barney Clark. The film is directed by Tom Kalin.
Over Her Dead Body was released February 1st, 2008 and stars Eva Longoria, Paul Rudd, Lake Bell, Jason Biggs, Lindsay Sloane, Stephen Root, William Morgan Sheppard, Wendi McLendon-Covey. The film is directed by Jeff Lowell.
Cloverfield was released January 18th, 2008 and stars Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas, T.J. Miller, Michael Stahl-David, Mike Vogel, Odette Annable, Anjul Nigam, Margot Farley. The film is directed by Matt Reeves.
The Day the Earth Stood Still was released December 12th, 2008 and stars Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates, Jaden Smith, John Cleese, Jon Hamm, Kyle Chandler, Robert Knepper. The film is directed by Scott Derrickson.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars was released August 15th, 2008 and stars Matt Lanter, Ashley Eckstein, James Arnold Taylor, Dee Bradley Baker, Tom Kane, Nika Futterman, Ian Abercrombie, Corey Burton. The film is directed by Dave Filoni.
Disaster Movie was released August 29th, 2008 and stars Matt Lanter, Vanessa Minnillo, G. Thang, Nicole Parker, Crista Flanagan, Kim Kardashian, Ike Barinholtz, Carmen Electra. The film is directed by Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer.
Comments (20)
To leave a comment, please sign in or use
Facebook or Twitter
furyofthefilmfan
Check out my list for top 10 worst of 2008 on You Tube. Just type Fury of the Film Fan on the search. I got a list NOBODY can argue with...NOBODY!!!!
3 years agoby @furyofthefilmfanFlag
CelluloidDreams
"Cloverfield" was OK...I would give it a C- ....After all the hype and build up for a year, & then when U finally see it in theaters.....It was like "OK...is that all!??"...Great Marketing campaign, but a very forgettable film once the credits rolled & I went home!
3 years agoby @2movieguysFlag
CelluloidDreams
What is sad is that the film "Savage Grace" (Which BTW I did want to see!) never came to a theater in Phoenix, Arizona! Julianne Moore rocks..I really wish this came to a theater...Oh well, it will come to DVD!
What a moron...of course "The Day the Earth Stood Still" would be crap...HELLO PEOPLE IT'S A REMAKE!!
"The Spirit" was a waste of space! I'm sorry but Frank Miller needs to go to film school or something...I hope Frank Miller gets a Razzie Nod for "Worst Director"! "The Spirit" couldn't even be a "Cult" film! ...What was funny...some guy fell asleep two rows back of me, and just snored through out the film!
Hell ..if I'm going to watch a spoof ...Give me "National Lampoon Goes to the Movies" any day.....at least it would be funnier than say "Meet the Spartans" LQQked like crap, & to this day I never ever seen it ..Nor would I even waste a free rental at Blockbuster Video on it!
3 years agoby @2movieguysFlag
The Narrator: The Better Man
Cloverfield wasn't a horror movie, and it wasn't bad. It was pretty good.
Lol, and yeah Vis, all spoofs are sh*t now-a-days.
3 years agoby @narratorFlag
SCREENWRITER
I agree with all of these.
3 years agoby @the-screenwriterFlag
-comrade-
I hate spoofs. The f*cking kids who watch them aren't even old enough to see half the movies they make fun of anyway.
3 years agoby @taberjohnson18Flag
movieman6
check out my list on my account
3 years agoby @movieman6Flag
Oli
I agree with most of what you said. I though Cloverfield was alright though.
3 years agoby @reviloleeFlag
mrwhite09
cloverfield was actually pretty good i dont get why the film was hated. i do agree with one missed call and f*cking happening are the worst movies of all time.
3 years agoby @mrwhite09Flag
T.Clark
Why was it god awful? Because it was filmed using a hand held camera? You knew it was like that from the beginning. It was a monster movie through the eyes of the people...nobody's ever done that before and they did it quite well, so I guess you just don't appreciate uniqueness...
...sorry, boss, just had to throw that out there
3 years agoby @insertusernamehereFlag
Brian
Colverfield was god awful.
3 years agoby @brianFlag
ZanyZap
Agreed
3 years agoby @zanyzapFlag
Transformers89
disagree with Cloverfield
3 years agoby @transformers89Flag
Forrestgump1
I think your wrong about cloverfield
but you are right about The Day The Earth Stood Still
terrible movie
3 years agoby @forrestgump1Flag
black-moon
well u guys are righ about most
especially one missed call and cloverfield
but u sure space chimps wasnt good
i never saw it but it looked good
3 years agoby @black-moonFlag
JonSpidey07
ur right
i wouldn't call Cloverfield a horror movie at all
movies like One Missed Call actually are a sign to stop making projects just like it
where as movies like Disaster Movie represent the de-generating golden age of cinema
could it be under attack and put to an end?
only time and money and people will tell what will happen later on
and mainly alot of terrible flicks are because of certain producers and board members of studios are getting greedier and putting alot of pressure on every one else
can't we all have a balanced system?
3 years agoby @jonspidey07Flag
Shelley
I have to disagree with One Missed Call and Cloverfield. I agree that Cloverfield was not a horror movie, but One Missed Call was. With all the absolutely awful movies that came out in 2008 I think they missed the mark on the thriller and horror catagories. I would much rather watch One Missed Call than The Eye (American version) or Awake. Also since when does a 'worst list' movie make over 80 million dollars like Cloverfield did.
3 years agoby @shelleyFlag
T.Clark
I agree Diaigma, Cloverfield wasn't horror, they just wanted an excuse to put it on the worst list. Cloverfield was a good movie. The point was to show a monster attack from the people's point of view, and it did that very well. The monster was unique. It was made to be realistic. It's not going to battle other monsters like Godzilla does, so it didn't need to look like it was "battle ready." It just needed to be a huge f*cked up looking thing, and it was just that...that's why they call it a "monster," it's huge and f*cked up, DUH. And stop comparing it to Godzilla. Godzilla is Japanese, Cloverfield is American. We needed our own monster and we got it. Whether you like it or not is up to you to decide, but it's a good monster for the reasons I stated. Cloverfield was more of a sci-fi/thriller flick than a horror.
I'm a little amused at the fact that they made a "worst spoof" section when all spoofs nowadays are pretty much sh*t lol
3 years agoby @insertusernamehereFlag
Diaigma
Agreed, but Cloverfield wasn't a bad film, and I wouldn't call it a Horror film either. It was a monster flick. Way different from Horror. At least the "hype" wasn't passed off as "an event that actually happened" when it was advertised, like Blair Witch did. If anything, the worst Horror film should be Mirrors.
3 years agoby @diaigmaFlag
ed_wood
What?
3 years agoby @ed-woodFlag