Speaking of Cloverfield...
Cloverfield Monster? Boo!
The Cloverfield Monster? Boo! How's it going ol' testicle cheeks? This thing looks more like Wally Cox than it does a street destroying fuck-'em-up. Godzilla could crush this thing in a heartbeat. It looks like something that crawled out of Godzuki's fish dunkle. I am seriously disappointed in the design of J.J. Abrams' fetish whore. The thing is basically a mutant armadillo with man titties. And those wild eyeballs? The guy reminds me of Francis the Talking Mule on a coke bender. I can't believe they had me so psyched to see..."That". That Fucking Thing. With his greasy uncooked frog legs. And his pedestrian smile. The movie is pretty fucking bad, too. I wish I could give it the finger. It is a headache sold through in light. My left eye is still pulsating from the shaky cam. I don't get all of these people that are saying it's a great cinematic achievement. It is shit sold on the end of a Tai stick. It is like all of the boring parts of a Godzilla movie rolled into one. Without the monster. Brilliant? I say donkey dunkle! I'd like to kick this sick bitch back up Abrams' butt hole where it came from. That's where it belongs. The pubic lice in the subway tunnel? Too little, too late my friend. So don't try using that as an excuse for telling me its any good. I clocked the screen. Less than four minutes of the monster? WTF? Heck, the entire movie only lasts 71 minutes. I'm supposed to pay twelve dollars for that? I don't think so, chief.
R2D2 Shirt? Whoop-doo!
The R2D2 Costume Shirt from Junk Food? Whoop-Doo! This is possibly the coolest t-shirt I have seen in the last two weeks. And I have seen some pretty cool ones. But this sucker takes the cake. It basically has R2's chest plate on the front of it. And his back plate is there, too, on the reverse side. Now, All I need to do is track down one of those R2 knit beanies that look like his dome head. That would be the coolest outfit ever. I might just never take it off. Also of note is the fact that they've made A Darth Vader one, and a Chewbacca one, too. They even have a Stormtrooper shirt. But the R2D2 one is definitely the best. It makes me want to rob a bank and roll around in the money afterwards, just like Diane Lane and Katie Holmes do in Mad Money. Yeah, I want to roll around in some thick bills and scream "Latifah!" Sounds like a gay old time. R2! T-shirt! You can buy it here: 80s Tees!
US Weekly Cover? Boo!
Brittany on the cover of yesterday's US Weekly? Boo! This image is scary. The pop princess once known as Brittany Spears is in a straight jacket with her ankles bound. The word "INSANE!" is scrawled across her ghastly visage. At the top is a log line about her underage sister engaging in a strict sperm-only diet. The young woman's kids are plastered in there, too. And it makes me sick at my stomach. Why? Because this magazine cover reminds me of something I would see in a fantasy film where a young girl blacks out on a Christmas tequila bender and the Ghost of Fucked-Up Futures comes to her and explains the reality that lies ahead. This is the magazine she picks up in that dream. It is the shocking shit-smack that wakes her out of bad behavior. She creeps into the light and suddenly starts taking care of her self. The future we see on this surely mocked-up magazine cover never comes to fruition. Yes, that means we are living in an alternate reality that could be destroyed as soon as the much younger Brittany awakens from this sugar induced nightmare. The fabric of my surroundings feel cramped. I am living in someone's bad fantasy dream sequence. Help! I may not exist tomorrow! This magazine cover has me realizing that I am just an extra in some Pop Starlet's Christmas Carol third act. I can taste the pain in my vagina. And I want to live! Damn it! (Actually, the Cloverfield monster makes me want to die just a little bit.)
Avary? Boo!
Roger Avary Gets a DUI? Boo! This sucks. I don't understand what is happening at this moment in time. Why are so many industry types getting nailed for drinking and driving? These are rich people. If I can afford a cab on my meager wages, surely they can too. I don't want to shotgun blast Avary in the face with cruel words. I don't know the facts of the case. For all I know, he could have had one glass of wine, and was then later attacked by a bubble cat on his way home. I'm just weary of this rapacious cycle we seem to be in. It's like the Britney magazine cover. It's like we are seriously living in some bizarre anti-verse. A day doesn't go by without some semi-known celebrity of shit status getting a DUI, into a car wreck, or killing someone. Why does this keep happening again and again? Shouldn't folks be weary at this point? Something is wrong. Only we can fix it. If you are famous, please find an alternate means of transportation. The paper shouldn't make me sad every time I flip through it. I feel for Avary. Killing a friend isn't ho-ho fun and will pretty much ruin your subconscious weekend. Not to mention the taste of beer. Is there some undercover celebrity task force at work here? Busting the beautiful and well paid? Something peculiar is afoot. It smells like sulfur in the ocean air. "DUI'm not that drunk!" Is a call you should stop making to your mother. Really. It is.
Golden Globes? Whoop-doo!
The Globes canceled? Whoop-Doo! This is the first year in a long time that I didn't have to sit through this shit fest of a bore-athon. Who cares about the Globes anyway? If a Brit or other such foreigner is nominated in a category, you know they're going to win. It's the only sure bet on the ballot. The NBC press conference was a blistering embarrassment to the industry. It's only saving grace was that it was easy to miss. You didn't have to go far out of your way to keep from running into it. A Globe is just bragging rights for the DVD sleeve of whatever horrible movie they are trying to sell that week. These awards are for gay movies. And I'm glad this shit got canceled. Viva the Strike! Say it loud! Say it proud! Now let's do away with the Oscars, too. Heck, they aren't going to nominate Superbad. They aren't going to nominate Death Sentence. And they most certainly are not going to nominate Hot Fuzz or Grindhouse. So, seriously...Who needs them? Oh, the economy. That's right. I forgot. Still. I say fuck that little gold man and his baldy head. Ask any nominated loser. That guy is a born again asshole. Just like Sam Rockwell in "Snow Angeles" (which is a great little film by the way; and its not getting nominated for any awards).
The Road? Whoop-doo!
The Road gets a big screen adaptation? Whoop-doo! This is a great book. And the casting so far is great. I just wanted to give a mini-shout-out! Can't wait for this one. Let's hope they get Cormac McCarthy's better novel on the screen as well as they got No Country for Old Men up there. This will be a kicker. A true classic. Thank you Viggo Mortensen for accepting the lead role. I have trust that you will dominate the atomic wasteland of your surroundings. And Charlize Theron, it's not so shabby seeing you participate either. Gotta see it! Gotta see it! Come on, The Road!
3? Boo!
High School Musical 3: Senior Year gets a theatrical release? Boo! Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is some joyous nugget I've yet to discover. But at the fear of being considered a playground rapist, I am going to leave it undiscovered. I don't need this thing hogging up my precious screen space at the Cineplex. Ever since I heard about Zac Efron's fake eyelash obsession, I've been afraid of him. My worst nightmare is finding one of his lashes in my cold bowl of frosted flakes. Just his visage urges tiny bits of dunkle spit back through that intestine and up into my esophagus. Yes, I taste shit at the back of my mouth every time I walk into K-Mart and am eye-raped by the mile high shelf full of High School Musical paraphernalia. The pink pillows with Zac on them. The dolls. The various versions of the same DVD. The puzzles. The posters. Help, I feel like I am drowning in a pool of Disney jizz. I want this franchise to die and stay dead already. Sadly, I have been informed of a College School Musical that is currently in the works. Ouch. That hurts my fissure. Quick, someone get me an inflatable doughnut pillow. My ass has just been raped by The Disney Channel, and they are using my hemorrhoid as condom ribbing for their pleasure.
I am bleeding.
That is all. This last Boo! just completely killed me off (until next week).
The WGA Strike Score Card!
Some movies are so well written that you wish the writer got all of the respect in the world. And some are so bad, you wish the writer would just burn in hell. Who's his imagination to steal twelve bucks from me anyway? Huh? And then bitch that she's not getting paid enough. Here is a tally of the theatrical Boos! and Whoop-doos! So far this year:
Let's End this Strike and Get These Guys (and Gals) back to Work!
Penelope - Whoop-doo!
Be Kind Rewind - Whoop-doo!
First Sunday - Whoop-doo!
Teeth - Whoop-doo!
Rambo - Whoop-doo!
Snow Angels - Whoop-doo!
Eh, who cares?
The Air I Breathe - Blah-bleh!
How She Move - Blah-Bleh!
Untraceable - Blah-Bleh!
Fuck the Writers and their strike! If this is what they are giving me, they can stay outside and wave those signs! Assholes!
One Missed Call - Boo!
Over Her Dead Body - Boo!
Cloverfield - Boo!
In favor of the Strike being over: 6
In favor of the writers staying outside: 3
In favor of not caring: 3
The good movies outweigh the bad ones this week! Lets get this strike over with!
Comments (31)
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CelluloidDreams
I just got done reading the book "The Road", & I didn't like it..It was too cold, there really wasn't a plot to dwell upon & the ending just left me empty!! I couldn't explain it better than that! I'm wondering how it will translate to screen?? Kuddos to Viggo Mortensen for taking the lead, he is one hell of an actor, but as a whole the book just did nothing for me!!
"No Country for Old Men" was a better book!!!
4 years agoby @2movieguysFlag
E3842
I want "Cloverfield" the T. V. series! Every week the same attack from a different camera with a different cast! Special prequel flashback episodes! Don't think it can't happen :) They could dump that inane series.
What was it's name again? Oh ya. "LOST". :)
4 years agoby @e3842Flag
T.Clark
The Cloverfield monster should eat Britney in the sequel. See if anyone notices. CLOVERFIELD!!!!!
4 years agoby @insertusernamehereFlag
Phatlightning
what about "cross-roads" phx? was that not a movie or was I on a bad shroom trip like rock down there and imagined brittany spears riding around in a drop top for 2 hours...because thats definately a possibility
4 years agoby @sxers2k1Flag
PhxtonyMex
What is so professional about this guy? He is just giving his opinion, like all of us here. The problem that I have with this "pro" is that he gives his opinion like if it was a fact! And it's not!! And Movieweb should not publish S#!+ like that!!! That's why they have the "comment & responses," for the users to give their personal opinions. Why is he talking about Brittany if he hates her so much?!?! I mean hey, I don't like her either but I'm not taking space out of some MOVIE site to talk about someone who is not even a movie star!
4 years agoby @phxtonymexFlag
Rock
Hic up , hic up , sniff sniff goble goble , hoooo look at all those pretty beuterflys
Yoah were am I , ah yes , right at home , Well gotta say El presidente Rocho has been impeach , seems the president of our nation can not go on a month of hiatus to get high and drunk , well i did so yall can live with it.
Seems to me that my main writer here , is getting bash. ex-presidente Rocho needed all those laugh thanks some of you all left somme pretty funny and stupid comments , love the one who says he hates gay-nerds
ok finish eating my magic mushrooms so i can continu my comments : I havent seen cloverfield , will only see it on dvd , man Rocho's almost high has kite all the time but even high i wasnt buying into all that marketting crap , am suprise some of yall dont think it's real , just like some thought that Blairwitch wwas real. 5 minutes of fame for a monster , thats pure sh*t
Gotta getr me that shirt , wonder if they do a Bubba-fet shirt , hic
Who f*ckin cares about spears personal problems , i dont and i wish nedia would stop talking about her, she a poor excuse for a mom and deserve to go spend some time at an asylum
F*ck the globes , f*ck the awards , f*ck every price that are not awarded or nominated by the fans . and f*ck yall , send me the awards ill pawned for booze and weed
Now for HS3 they seem to be all 18 , why dont they change it to High school orgy 3 , id watch that in a heart beat
and hic-up lol keep on bashing my man Orange , at least that all means that their reading is comments , who's the retard now
4 years agoby @elrochoFlag
T.Clark
Well said, Cell!
4 years agoby @insertusernamehereFlag
CelluloidDreams
I'm really tired of Brittany Spears BS!! I wish she would just go away! Far away...like a forgein country far away!
4 years agoby @2movieguysFlag
T.Clark
I'll agree to that Spaz.
I still think he's wrong about Cloverfield, though. heh, heh, heh
4 years agoby @insertusernamehereFlag
Phatlightning
here here spaz
4 years agoby @sxers2k1Flag
Spadicus
These comments are funny.. What did you expect? An outspoken bias put up his opinion of recent movie buzz and more outspoken biased people give him feedback. Lets not forget that B. Alan Orange has been writing these reports long before the comment feature was ever added to MovieWeb. The only difference between you and him is the fact that he's a professional, he has seniority over us and his ranting actually has structure to it. Just let Orange do his thing!
4 years agoby @spazFlag
CelluloidDreams
..also the "R2D2 Shirt" is just silly!! I'm in my 30's and I wouldn't wear it, it's somethig a 8th grader may wear!
4 years agoby @2movieguysFlag
CelluloidDreams
LOL/...when I saw "Cloverfield" they had a sign posted which stated:
Due to the filming method used for "Cloverfield," guests viewing this film may experience side effects associated with motion sickness, similar to riding a rollercoaster.
When I had my ticket torn by the usher I was told the same thing!!!
I never got sick but I'm very good friends with the theater mangers & after the showing I was speaking W./them & they told me several did get sick! This even happend withthe "Blair WItch"!
I liked "Cloverfield", but I have to admit the whole held-camera angle did get on y nerves after a while!
4 years agoby @2movieguysFlag
The Narrator: The Better Man
i agree wit Phatlightning. if we keep this up we'll end up like IMDB. they can't stop arguing over there. and yeah, the cloverfield monster was kinda cool. but i still prefer Godzilla.
4 years agoby @narratorFlag
Phatlightning
haha too true err... you people can just disagree, no need for all the smash mouthing on each other, voice your opinion and let it be
4 years agoby @sxers2k1Flag
Err
man i love how in these message boards whenever someone states an opinion that other people dont like, those other people get all uppity and call them names, like their opinion is worth more than the opinions of the people theyre insulting.
4 years agoby @err2005Flag
B-RAD08
yeah, well there is no way that is the monster.....and cloverfield was great. i can't wait for the next one.....
4 years agoby @b-rad08Flag
midhousestudios
i loved cloverfield. that guy stupid writing his gay opinion about the movie. i hate gay geeks that talk about been in love with godzilla.
4 years agoby @soccermasterFlag
T.Clark
THE CAMERA WAS NOT SHAKY IN CLOVERFIELD!!!!!!STOP SAYING U GOT MOTION SICKESS U DUMBF*CKS!!!!!!!!
4 years agoby @insertusernamehereFlag
ArchAngel
i honestly dont think thats the right pic of the Cloverfield monster...oh and yea it is a very good film im sick of hearin all this bull from ppl who expected your average monster movie
4 years agoby @therealjokerFlag
seti73
Who the hell is this guy writing this crap? This guy has no substance...it's like someone plucked a junkie off the street and asked him comment on today's entertainment news. Geez, get this idiot out of here...
4 years agoby @seti73Flag
Err
yeah i liked the monster too, but on a whole i agree with the boo for cloverfield because i almost threw up all over the guy sitting in front of me due to the f*cking shaky cam bullsh*t.
oh and the britney thing... people should just leave her be. i dont know anyone who cares anyway but i guess somebody does because they wouldnt plaster her all over the magazines if her image didnt sell units.
4 years agoby @err2005Flag
T.Clark
I loved Cloverfield, and thought the monster was pretty satisfying. It was different.
4 years agoby @insertusernamehereFlag
mcnasty
i vote we get on here and write these articles. i'm sure we would ALL do MUCH better than these retards.
4 years agoby @mcnastyFlag
Guts-Fearless
Wow who the f*ck hired this f*git to write the boos and whoop doos wtf?! Come on, I can do much better...and R2D2 shirt a whoop doo?! Wtf?! Seriously...and the Cloverfield monster AND the movie were f*cking amazing...what a c*ck smoker...f*ck him
4 years agoby @guts-fearlessFlag
Phatlightning
nice article.. and mcnasty, he basically did boo the Golden Globes because he Whoop-doo's the fact that their cancelled.. same thing
4 years agoby @sxers2k1Flag
PhxtonyMex
Who the F@&* died and hire this writer? All the goodones are in strike! Come on Moviweb, you guys can do better!
4 years agoby @phxtonymexFlag
The Kwisatz Haderach
I agree with mcnasty, that R2D2 shirt is the freakin stupid! I love Star Wars and would never wear such a dumbass shirt. Brittany Spears, is trailer trash enough said, screw the golden Globes and high school musicals no one cares about that sh*t.
4 years agoby @the-kwisatz-haderachFlag
mcnasty
ok, this is probably the worst article ever.
they boo Cloverfield, but love that R2-D2 shirt??!?!?!?! i love star wars as much as the next average 20 year old, but seriously? i'm sorry but they should save money and just make signs that say "I'm a nerd" and sell those. well, those or the famous "kick me" signs would work very well.
the rest at least makes some sense. no one cares about High School Musicals and Britney. but i'd also boo the Golden Globes. seriously, after this writers strike does anyone deserve any awards? everyone's just giving into everyone else on their demands. it's the best, or worst strike of all time, depending how you look at it.
4 years agoby @mcnastyFlag
THE JOKER
agreed. no one gives a flying f*ck about Britney Spears. She used to be hot and now she is not.end of story. i do wish the strike was over though this way we can move on
4 years agoby @mcleve02Flag