HEY, PAULINGTON: Beer, The 4th of July, Tucker Max, and View-Master: The Movie!

HEY, PAULINGTON: Beer, The 4th of July, Tucker Max, and View-Master: The Movie!

Hey, Paulington! Is a Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're spicing it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant red letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):

Hey, Paulington!

And he will be sure to answer all of them in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!



Dear Firecracker. There are a number of American beers that deserve your patronage. At the top of the list, of course, is Pabst Blue Ribbon. It's the most American beer on the market. Sure, it's become a hipster cliché, and you want to smack it out of every greaser's hand. But listen up. Pabst was selected as America's Best in 1893. And, quite simply, it hasn't ever gotten any better. No other beer on the market today can claim that sort of heritage. It is a historic brew. To prove it hasn't hunched its back or shriveled into a yeasty-yuck fest, those delicious bubbles proved their place on store shelves back in 2006, when they took home a Gold Medal Award at the American Beer Festival. This hoppy sipable concoction was first brewed by a German immigrant. Heck, our whole country was founded on immigrants and their revolutionary ideas. It was established in Milwaukee, home of Richie Cunningham and King Island of American beers. It was the first beer every offered in a can and exported out of this country. Where does it get its name? From the many blue ribbons it won, of course. Founder Captain Pabst used to hand-tie silk bows around the winning bottles before selling them to thirsty patrons. Pabst even helped out during World War I and II, becoming the official beer selection of our troops. No other beer can claim those victories. At this current moment in time, The Pabst Brewing Company is revolutionizing the way it markets its product. Ever wonder why you don't see Pabst commercials or hear Pabst radio advertisements? Because Pabst knows its young up-and-coming hipster shitbag fan base, made up of urban sophisticates, don't buy into that type of hype. Instead of buying a billboard at the local football arena, they take the money and turn it into free beer. Yes, they are actually advertising with their product. And its currently revolutionizing the way beer companies attack their very wanted costumers. Instead of putting all their money into a Super Bowl ad, Pabst offers its beer in a sponsored viewing of the show at a local pub. The can acts as its own glossy ad. It's in your hands and ready to drink. So simple, yet so brilliant. Go out there and buy some Pabst today. Or better yet, get them to sponsor your 4th of July barbeque. If you're not into macro brews. The next best alternative would be to brew your own beer for 4th of July, or sponsor one of your local microbrews. There's nothing more Patriotic than that. And every town has its own beer nowadays. Even my parent's small town of Philomath, Oregon has its own mirco-brewed beverage. Now, what to watch with your Pabst or McMenamins? Hmm. Two films shoot straight to mind, and its not hard to guess what I am going to say: 1942's Yankee Doodle Dandy and 1996's Independence Day. If you want to get a little more "independent", I also highly recommend Steve Balderson's 2004 thriller Firecracker, which stars Mike Patton. I doubt you've seen it, and you'll definitely want to tear up your girlfriend's "froofy-ass" barbeque after watching the following scene bent on a sixer of Pabst. Happy Forth of July. Enjoy:





Dear Bitch. You haven't seen anything on our site about this movie because Freestyle Releasing, the company throwing it into theaters, hasn't offered us any promotional material yet. And we generally don't do advanced reviews. If you want to learn more about the film you can visit Tucker Max's world-renowned website. Apparently, the film is completely finished and is currently being taken on a U.S. tour of college campuses, where it should play in spades throughout August and early September. To find a list of towns, again, check his website. The film was directed by Bob Gosse, who doesn't really have anything substantial under his belt worth mentioning here. Max wrote the screenplay with his buddy Nils Parker, so you can expect something in tone with what you read in the book. The author has a unique and breezy way of writing that doesn't allow you to escape his prose. He's a natural, with a god given talent. Sure. But if you've read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, you'll know that most of his stories go nowhere, and they have little in the way of a structural arc. If you pick up a copy to see what all the fuss is about, you're sure to put it down, bewildered by its lack of heart. "How the heck did they make a movie out of this?" Well, that's where Nils come in. Together, they've pulled the most obnoxious, laugh-tinged moments from the narrative and strung them into a road trip plot about a bachelor party. Early word of mouth is that while it's pretty darn funny, it could wind up languishing on video store shelves just like Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation. If Freestyle is smart, they will certainly try to play off the success of this summer's The Hangover. Though some audience members, unfamiliar with Max and his energetic gut-punch writing style, may see it as a less than worthy rip-off (Max's story came first, and I wouldn't be shocked to hear that Todd Phillips' curbed from his book). Matt Czuchry, best known for his time on Gilmore Girls and Friday Night Lights plays Max in the film. Why? Because Tucker stated in an interview that he didn't have the talent to pull off the performance himself. In Tucker's lastest blog update, he says that he doesn't like the upcoming trailer, and that it didn't make him want to see the movie. At all. I like that he's being entirely honest, and a book about the production of the film, no matter how good or bad the finished product is, will more than likely be an exceptional read worth any Cinephile's time. I, myself, can't wait to see the finished film. I hope it's entertaining. But if not, oh, well. Sometimes, as evident by this month's I Love You, Beth Cooper, a great comedic novel simply doesn't work well on screen. Words and film. They are two different mediums. Sometimes, they don't jive in context of one another. And its hard to capture a very personal voice on screen. Rest assured, though, we will more than likely be covering I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell the closer we get to a release date. If any college students have seen the film, write in and let me know what you think. I will post your thoughts here in a follow-up.



Dear Seat. I believe they made a Jelly Cock movie back in 2003. So you can pretty much go ahead and shoot yourself in the face. View-Master the Movie is all my fault. First, I went on and on in a recent essay about how the View-Masters of the 1970s had much better 3D than any of the new films we're seeing today. I know for a fact that those words caught the eye of an over zealous producer. Now we are awaiting the inevitable. Second, I went on and on in last week's "Hey" column about how movie producers are spinning around in their office chairs, blind folded, pointing out objects, and making movies based on where their fingers land. Remember my suggestion for a Singer Sewing Machine movie? Well, View-Master: The Movie isn't far behind that. I know what you're thinking. "How can this possibly work?" Well, again, sadly, and third, I was asked this very same question, and guess what? I actually made View-Master: The Movie way back in 1994, as a college thesis. Shot on video, this old VHS tape was recently dusted off and shown to an unmentionable source. My film starred a young black college man by the name of TL. He was confused about his love for a white girl, and he was obsessed with the TV Guide. When he is spurned by his crush, who doesn't realize she is being pinned after because she is consumed with taking care of her three retarded siblings (two brothers and a sister), our hero decides to hang himself with a pair of pantyhose. This suicide attempt fails miserably, and he is forced to confront God inside the local Sav-On, which is being torn down. The destruction of this department store is a metaphor, and represents those unobtainable college crushes we all go through. What does this have to do with a View-Master? Well, a hit man is waiting for his boss to finish a rather grisly murder in the park. The guy is seated in his car, watching LT's plight through a View-Master's lens. Each new scene is clicked through as if a slide on a View-Master reel (an editing must-have for the new movie). Fed up with LT's three-dimensional bawling, the gangster throws the View-Master in the lake and then shoots himself. The end. The View-Master is used as a means to tell the story. It was pretty inventive at the time, especially considering it was shot on an old VHS tube camera. I am sure the new plot will be substantially different than mine. I have a way better idea for a View Master movie that would be super radical. But I don't want to share it, because I'd like to use the idea myself someday. My fingers are crossed that they aren't cooking up something similar. Anyway, have a Happy 4th. And keep an eye out for ordinary household objects. The next Hoover Up-Right you bump into might be a $100 million scriptwriting paycheck in the waiting.

Send your questions about love, life, and the movies to:

Hey, Paulington!

Hope you have a great week! See you next time. (If you click on the big red letters, you will be taken to an email address where you will be able to leave your questions.)