HEY, PAULINGTON: A Life Advice Column for the True Cinephile!

HEY, PAULINGTON: A Life Advice Column for the True Cinephile!

Hey, Paulington! Is a new Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're going to spice it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to:

Hey, Paulington!

And he will be sure to answer all of them in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!



Dear Freddy. Keep swimming against the tide with your mouth open, idiot! There's not much you can do to stop these remakes and superhero rehashes at this point. Two of this year's biggest films have been regurgitated horror classics. My Bloody Valentine 3-D and Platinum Dunes' Friday the 13th brought in more than $150 million worldwide. When it comes to art and commerce, commerce always wins. Who cares if these movies are any good? They have name recognition, they make enough dough to run a small Mexican village, and the kids are dumb. They'll pretty much buy anything at this point. There are only two things that you, as an individual, can do to accomplish anything while struggling against this tsunami-like tide. First, ignore these bastardizations of cinema. When a remake comes to your local one horse town, put your head down and stay away from it. Pretend it doesn't exist. Or that it's infected with a zombie-like plague. Sooner than later, Hollywood will see you flipping the bird, and they will cease their constant output of crap. Um, okay, maybe they won't. The second, and most important thing you can do is exercise that lean imagination of yours. Get some paper, a pen, and take a creative writing class. Try coming up with some ideas of your own. Write a screenplay. Sell it. That's the only way we'll ever see anything new at the local Cineplex. I agree, we need some fresh blood pumping through these anemic arteries. It begins and ends with you. Now, as far as the so-called remakes that broke your poor camel's back? A Nightmare on Elm Street is being produced by Andrew Form and Brad Fuller, the two jackasses behind the recent resurrection of both Jason Voorhees and Leatherface. They're actually pretty big horror fans. They're just not very good filmmakers sometimes. Damn, if they could have kept up the momentum offered in the first twenty minutes of Friday 2009, they would have had a mini-slasher masterpiece on their hands. Sadly, they blew it in the 3rd act. I'm interested to see what they do with Nightmare. Hiring Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy would be a great move on their part. He's a tiny, creepy, wicked little man. And I can't see anybody else in the role. As for the Hellraiser remake? I know very little about the people behind it. I just know, there is no way they can make something as stomachache inducing as that first entry in the franchise. There's no way. The MPAA wouldn't allow it. It will be milk-soaked toast. For sure. The old classics still exist. Buy an HD TV and go to town.



Dear Sponge Monkey. Right! Like that's a movie we all need made available on Blu-Ray, douche bag! Why in God's name would you ever want to relive that horrid experience? I know exactly what movie you are taking about. It's the Burl Ives non-classic Earthbound, and its never even been released on Beta, let alone Blu-Ray. I have seen nearly every cult oddity on the face of the planet, and this is by far one of the worst films ever made. Even at age six, I knew I was watching something reprehensibly bad for my tender, young brain. The movie, which follows a bunch of crashed space aliens as they evade the U.S. government by hiding in the back of an old man's RV, was directed by James L. Conway. He has since made amends for this cinematic tragedy by directing the The Boogens and several episodes of the CW's Supernatural. Earthbound was made as a TV pilot by Taft International Pictures, but got dumped into a handful of theaters when the company went bankrupt. That might account for its uber-low budget. The highlight, as you very well remember, is a spray-painted monkey that eats light bulbs. The things we'll watch as a kid. Don't let nostalgia get the best of you. This is not something you need to relive. Trust me. Leave it alone. Let your thirst for Earthbound die right here.



Dear Screenforpeen. WHAT?!? You let this guy trombone classical gas while watching Pineapple Express, and he hasn't made a move on you yet? Impossible. Are you guys getting high? That might be putting a damper on his Dr. Manhattan. Is he afraid to make that first move? Or are you guys staying up too late? Maybe he has to rush home to work in the morning. I find it hard to believe this guy is so engrossed in whatever dumb movie you may be watching that he hasn't even tried to pull your shirt off yet. Talk about pulling a boner! Maybe he's really shy. Did you two inadvertently become best friends? Do you exude a sisterly vibe? None of that should matter. He should be tearing at your clothes within minutes of any given movie's end. Is the air under your armpits a breeze too Swiss? Are you a Milwaukee Beast? Even then, I doubt it would matter. What you need are some good erotic thrillers. Curb the action comedy in that direction. Start out with something goofy and fun, like the two Coreys in Blown Away. It has action. It has comedy. It has Corey Feldman dancing. Most importantly, it has some sex scenes that are so over the top, it will edge him into the idea without scaring him away. You are both having a good time. Mission accomplished. Now move onto something a little edgier. You might hate Vanilla Sky, but it definitely has that frat-daddy vibe he seems to enjoy so much. By the time its over, he should be primed at the pump. Now its time to bust out the Richard Gere triple feature. Believe it or not, dudes secretly worship Gere. He's a stinging cocktail of machismo mixed with the calmness of a Buddha. His movies are liable to steam up the space between spaces, where you'll be able to make his crystal skull glow. Start with Unfaithful, and work your way backwards. Don't show him Pretty Woman, though. He'll ditch his advancing hand and bolt for the door. Rent Final Analysis and Breathless. You will both be riveted. Finally, deliver the unexpected uppercut with Bound. You'll both dig watching Jennifer Tilly and Gena Gershon getting it on, and it allows for many personal stops and starts, if you know what I mean. It might take several nights, but those films should do the trick. If that doesn't work, sneak in a raunchy teen comedy from the 80s like Joysticks. If he's non-responsive after all that, you're playing Mother Hubbard with a dud. Sorry, lady!



Dear Curious. The film was scored by Roddy Bottum, a relic from the early 90s that recently reunited with his former Faith No More band mates. The fact that he's started scoring films is news to me. But the keyboardist has been doing this type of classical work behind the camera for a while now. According to his Twitter page, he is currently scoring the ABC sitcom In the Motherhood one episode at a time. And I definitely like what I hear. He also scored the film Kabluey and the upcoming Hilary Duff drama Safety Glass. He shows no signs of slowing down, either. Apparently he is working on a very high profile kids' movie as we speak. What is it? I have no clue. He hasn't said just yet. I can't find the score for Gigantic on Amazon or Itunes. But if you're looking to broaden your music collection with a little more Roddy, why not try any of his Faith No More albums? Or dive into his Imperial Teen collection? Both are well worth your time. While toiling away on film scores, Roddy is also getting ready for a European FNM reunion tour. Yes! He has busted out that old keyboard and is getting ready to rock once again. Let's hope all this mommy business hasn't slowed him down. A fan of his work, I am ecstatic that he has taken the Mark Mothersbaugh/Danny Elfman route. It won't be long before he's scoring some giant summer superhero flick and pissing off Dear Freddy from my first letter. I welcome that.



Dear Adrift. Hopefully it's your age that has kept you away from the whiskey isle until now. But like they say, there's never a bad time to start drinking. Right now couldn't be a better time to acquaint yourself with the delicacies of the oak barrel genre. With the economy in the shitter, alcohol prices keep going down. Head into any local Rite Aid, and you will notice that every day brings a different whiskey bargain. Heck, Jamison has been selling for half the price. And it will please most of your buddies. Taste it, try it, and if you like it, you will also want to try Bushmills. Both have been selling for the reasonable price of fourteen bucks for 750 ml. If you decide you like Irish whiskey, look and wait for the Tullamore Dew to go on sale, it's a treat. If you want to go the Kentucky Bourbon route, stick to the classics. Grab a bottle of Jim Beam or Jack Daniels. Old Crowe is certainly all right in a pinch. But dear God, stay away from Early Times. And The Canadian Black Velvet will punch you in the larynx with a resounding aftertaste. I've recently found a cheap thrill in Highland Stag Scotch whiskey, but that's a different beast altogether. Stick to the basic core group of decency, and you and your buddies should have a good time watching Storm expose herself to the elements. Just remember: Jack and Jim in the Bush with Jamie. Your friends won't balk. And you'll get drunk. Its simple math really! Maybe stash a bottle of Stagland behind your couch at home and have a sip before heading over to this sausage fest of yours. You'll need the boost of energy. Seriously, where are all the girls? It sounds like Kitty Pryde will be the only one getting any tonight. Maybe you should give ol' Flickfordick a call and see if she has any friends.

So send your questions about love, life, and the movies to:

Hey, Paulington!

Hope you have a great week! See you next time.