(Note: Here is the original, unedited version of my Planet of the Apes review. Additional footage has been edited into existing film critique stock and there is a new alternate "About The" ending. Original pieces of the score were found in my Dad's sock drawer, thus replaced. And I tried to utilize the unique notes as best as possible.)
A horrible car crash, one Hollywood Hills journalist dies, and the hottest ticket in town is thrust into my hand. Yes, people, Planet of the Apes! Once up to another, it is now my sole mission: An open walk across a Vietnamese rice patty field without a helmet. My words are destined for that opinion wasteland, where reviews fail to move an audience one way or the other. Maybe my critique will channel God into the home of some poor waif lacking the ability to walk. My astonishing prose praising the film's substance will give this boy the inner strength he needs to get out of that bed and get to the theater. Just maybe. But in my heart, I can feel it…
These words will be forever floating in cyberspace with tens of thousands of other, smarter opinions. And the film will still make more than 80 million opening weekend regardless. The one thing I know as fact: When I hurriedly pound out a review for the Movieweb masses, I damn well better talk about the film's content as opposed to throwing out stupid ideas that have nothing to do with the subtext at hand. Like my shifty idea that this is nothing more than a thinly vieled reworking of the Grape Ape legacy...
Let's jump straight to the ending, shall we? (Dickhead alert!! I believe I can do this now seeing as how everybody who wanted to see the film has seen it, and those who haven't know better than to continue reading ahead. If they've avoided the truth until now, I don't see how I can ruin it for them. In other words…"Hey - a SPOILER may follow!")
As a kid, I was obsessed with dressing my Ape Megos in Ponch & John's C.H.I.P.S. uniforms. Seeing the last few moments of this film was like seeing a childhood dream realized. Opinions are mixed, but this is the film I want to see. Right here: Monkeys dominating contemporary America. I couldn't contain myself. It's too bad the idea only lasts about a minute. Now I have to wait two years or more to see the sequel. I already know my expectations will be destroyed. The fun part is building up those expectations in my head. This is an ending that will fuel many adventures behind the couch with my new Hasbro Planet of the Apes figures. It's a fun concept I can get behind and support. Where I was torn between liking and disliking the picture, this "shocking conclusion" made everything worthwhile. The Twilight Zone, indeed!
About the bulk of the picture: I'll let Werner Hertzog sum it up for you, as he did for me in the parking lot (German accent still in tact), "There is a man. The apes do not like this man. The apes chase this man. And it was funny to see these apes running. These were clever apes." That's all there is really. The story is rather thin, but it zips by in a hurried rush of captivating images. It's an amazing film to look at, and its flaws are lost in the moment. Most important element: The Apes. This film wouldn't work without their perfection, and Rick Baker's creations are beyond stunning. It's the actors inside these monkey suits that kick life into the wheezy "not much going on here" plot. They're able to conceive realistic simian behavior that should win Tim Roth and everyone else involved an Oscar (but wont). All that time at Ape camp seems to have paid off, if only they could have gotten some of the unmasked players into a Human camp.
Mark Wahlberg is pretty stolid in his performance. There is no wonder or awe involved with his experiencing the humanized apes for the first time. He just automatically accepts the nature of his situation. He never takes time to consider anything shoved his way, he just puts his head down and goes. His is an unflawed character, with little humor. A means to get us through the planet; Wahlberg never allows his thoughts to influence our own. Chris Kristofferson did more in Blade, and his grunting here made me yearn for Blade 2, which distracted me from enjoying the few scenes he's in. My biggest human problem is Estella Warren. I can't figure out how a dirty slave girl manages to look so astonishingly perfect in every scene. This girl is hot; all covered in filth. She hasn't had a bath in months, maybe years, yet she's flawless. And she's inches away from being a mute. Talk about your immaculate concepts. If I wound up on a planet ruled by Apes, I'd never be so lucky as to find myself in a cage with a wedge of cake this delicious. It's the impossible. It's also a summer movie, so it's expected...
There are some minor problems in design. My biggest peeve: Planet of the Apes 2001 likes to see primates getting clocked high into the air only to come down from a fall that would surely kill them otherwise…But never does. It doesn't seem to matter: Both man and ape are constantly flung into space with an upper cut before hitting the dirt with a loud thud on the soundtrack, non the worse for wear. One at a time, a hundred at a time, I haven't seen this many bitch-slaps since the legendary Nude Nude Nudes cat fight of 1994 near the airport. It's a running theme that grates by the final act.
A lot of the humor didn't seem to work. There were modern joke references that failed to fit into the dusty look of the Planet. Because of this, some of the dialogue comes across as hokey and unbelievable. The one or two smiling wink and nods at the Original POTA were welcome. They had to come, and weren't painful. Of course we're going to get a variation on the "Damn Dirty Ape" line, and Charleton Heston all but steals this movie.
I knew a big battle would come towards the end. I was pleasantly surprised by its conclusion, until someone pointed out how conveniently everything happens. Actions occur at the right moment, and objects appear in the right place with no account for chaos theory; which the script tries to hold a basis in. I didn't notice the convenience of these ideas until later. I was too busy enjoying the look and feel of the film. Its essence was holding me in an irrational place similar to a thought vacuum. Once I started thinking about Apes and it's basis in reality, questions started crawling around inside my brain like ravenous silverfish eating up the bathroom floor. It ruined my initial love of the piece. For instance, why do these apes have horses on an uninhabited planet? Did they come from the space station that crashed? Why did they need horses on a space station? See what I mean? I can't stop it, and it hurts.
Bottom line, I dig this new Tim Burton franchise in the waiting. Thoughts of the next film make me smile. I want to see it now! I'm not a big fan of Burton's work. I'm not one of these geeks drooling over every bit of dust that happens to fall from his pocket. Batman sucked. Mars Attacks sucked. The end of Sleepy Hollow got all screwy. But Burton has a visual style that can't be denied, and he brings something new to this Planet of the Apes that should come full circle with the original movies once everything in the sequels falls into place. I have to agree with Roger Ebert on one point: As time goes on, it is the original Planet of the Apes that audiences will go back to. It stands as the better picture. As far as this summer is concerned, it won't get much better than this. (For you, anyway. I got to see Arac Attack, which stands as the high point of my summer. But you won't get to see that until 2002. So you won't know what you're missing.)
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ByB. Alan Orange ( Warning: Agent Orange's review's are rated R ) "Whoops! I think I saw the wrong movie...This actually entertained me. No one else seems entertained...Oh, well."
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