A car crashes, people die, and the hottest ticket in town is thrust into my hand. Yes, people, Planet of the Apes. Once up to another, it is now my mission: An open walk across a rice patty field in Vietnam without a helmet. My words are destined for that opinion wasteland, were reviews fail to move an audience either way. Maybe my critique will channel God into the home of some poor waif lacking the inate ability to walk. My astonishing prose praising the film's substance will give this boy the strength he needs to get out of bed and get to the theater…
Not likely; These words will be forever floating in cyberspace with tens of thousands of other, smarter opinions. And the film will still make more than 50 million on opening weekend, regardless. The one thing I do know: My Mormon friend is going to be so mad at me. Apes opens on his birthday. I'm supposed to go to Mann's Chinese Theater with him and his youth group. It's a good thing I want to see this movie again. I can lie, never letting on that I've been exposed to the film's content. It's okay to lie to a Mormon, right? Never mind…
Let's just jump straight to the ending. I couldn't believe this one: Those apes have Marky Mark stapled to a cross like his middle name is H., blood dripping from his broken jaw. A futuristic green van pulls up beside him. What is this? The monkeys have invented a gas-powered motor? Amazing. Then the back door is thrust open. An ape larger than the rest of them steps out. His fur is an off-lavender, like that of a Persian cat. His baseball-styled hat matches his sea-foam colored vest. He stands beside the human, studying him with a loopy grin. The driver of the van steps out: It's not a primate, but an upright walking Beagle in a fedora…Yeah, I'm going to be the piss-f*@!-@o*%-eating-$h!*face that is Matt Drudge and give away the ending. That's not in my bag of tricks. I wouldn't ruin the ending of Town & Country 2, let alone the biggest movie of the summer. Anyone who would just doesn't have a heart, "Grape Ape!"
In fact, I don't want to say much about the film for fear it will be tainted when you finally get to the front of the line a week from now. I'll let Werner Hertzog sum it up for you, as he did for me in the parking lot; German accent still in tact, "There is a man. The apes do not like this man. The apes chase this man. And it was funny to see these apes running. These were clever apes."
Bottom line, I dig this new Tim Burton franchise in the waiting. I'm not a big fan of his work. I'm not one of these geeks drooling over every bit of dust that happens to fall from his pocket. Batman sucked. Mars Attacks sucked. The end of Sleepy Hollow got all screwy. But Burton has a visual style that can't be denied, and he brings something new to this Planet of the Apes that should come full circle with the original movies once everything (Parts 2, 3, & 4) falls into place.
Planet of the Apes 2001 likes to see primates getting clocked high into the air, and then coming down from a fall that would surely kill them, but never does. It doesn't matter: Both man and ape are constantly flung into space with an upper cut, then they hit dirt with a loud thud on the soundtrack none the worse for wear. One at a time, a hundred at a time, I haven't seen this many bitch-slaps since Christmas @ the Pillsbury house. It's a running theme that grates by the final act. Some of the dialogue in the film is hokey, and a lot of the humor didn't seem to hit with the audience. The one or two smiling wink and nods at the Original POTA were welcome. They had to come, and weren't painful.
The real reason to see the film is for the Apes. Stan Winston's (did he do the apes, I'm creations are stunning. The actors inside the monkey suits conceive realistic Ape behavior that should win Tim Roth and everyone else involved an Oscar, but won't. I thought Helena Bonham Carter was kind of scary looking until I saw her with her mask off. Then I was like, "Aww, put your mask back on!" The majority of these primates are like my Uncle Randy, pissed 24/7 for no good reason and ready to go ape $#!* at the slightest annoyance. The others are mawkish, one is sensitive. It's that simple.
About the ending? I thought it was clearly going in one obvious direction, but I was wrong. I was surprised, and then surprised again. And that's all I'm going to say about that. One thing I can't figure out is how a dirty slave girl manages to look so astonishingly sexy in every scene. This girl is so hot, all covered in filth. She hasn't had a bath in months, maybe years, but she's flawless. If I wound up on a planet ruled by Apes, I'd never be lucky enough to be thrown in a cage with a wedge of cake this delicious. It's the impossible. It's also a summer movie. Unless you're in a pool with topless hot wing girls, I suggest you go get in line right now. To the paraplegics: This movie will make you walk again, or my name's not Orange…(And don't blink or you'll miss Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen's cameo as a couple of cute chimpanzees).
Did I say too much?
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ByB. Alan Orange ( Warning: Agent Orange's review's are rated R ) "It gave me lucid dreams of dressing my Ape Megos in Ponch and John's old uniforms. Monkey shines, I tell you!"
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