Something FORSHNEEZY This Way Comes.
"The dead always come back…Straight Gangsta-Mack." I can rhyme some more, watch… "I excel at pouring Rum in my Slurpees, Yeah. I'm the one who gave the girl in the Valtrex commercial her genital herpes." Okay, I'll stop now. I'm at a loss. I saw BONES last night, and it has me pounding my forehead against the pointed corner of my desk. What happened to the white girl, Tia? At first sight a primary character, she's slowly dwindled out of the picture. That's not the problem. The problem: She completely disappears without reason. There's no death scene. No explanation. She's just gone. What the f*ck? Did I space out her demise? Did she not get in the van at the last minute?
I can't answer that question, so I started to make some mad-dash phone calls in hopes of clearing up the problem. First, I dialed the people at New Line for an answer. A Promotional Rep answered the phone, unable to tell me the white girl's whereabouts, "That's funny. I don't know, now that you bring it up. What did happen to her?" I shook my head, ringing a New York representative next, "I'm sorry. I'm a little too busy to answer your question." His statement came as a clear indication that he didn't know either. I decided to call Anderson Jones over at E! Online, "What happened to the white girl? Yeah, she didn't get in the van. She stayed with her mom." Of course I missed it. The scene only lasts two seconds. I was preoccupied with a thought about previous events.
Let me ask: What would you do if your best friend got eaten by a German Shepard? Then, after finishing its snack, it turned and cracked a line about fried chicken? I'd like to think you'd help your friend by killing the dog. If you failed in saving your buddy, I hope you'd feel remorse. Maybe at least question your sanity as compared to Davey Burkowitz. Patrick does none of these things. He goes home and has dinner, never mentioning Maurice's death or the way in which he died. Lets not forget, after watching a German Shepard gut-guzzle this otherwise seemingly nice individual, Patrick is blasted by oceans of maggot-infested projectile vomit. Yeah, this happens to me, I'm going to seal my lips null and void and head back home for lasagna. NO! Maurice's other friends don't even ask about his whereabouts. Even though he's been by their side the whole time, his sudden absence isn't cause for alarm?
This is silly, silly. Snoop Dogg has created an instant classic in Jimmy Bones, quick to float above the other predominate boogeymen littering the horror landscape. It's good to have another brother in the mix. Snoop is far removed from the hardcore ghetto gangster, coming in as a laidback pimp still accepted in the arena. It's funny the things this man can get away with. I never realized what a pretty boy he is. His skin is smooth and free of blemishes, I'd swear he's had some vanity work done to the plates. He's a constant breeze of clam, lingering on high the whole way through. It's no wonder his dead body exudes smoking demon ghosts in wisps of exhalant.
It's Snoop's sheer presence that propels this otherwise lackluster bucket of gore to the overflowing foamy head of slash. The kid gets off a couple of classic gems in dialogue, words unspeakable by most anyone else.
As a whole, Bones is evenly split in two. It's half bad, half good. Like most movies that have debuted this year, it's a revisionist's dream. Ernest Dickerson has created a Crow remake that stands on its own. A slightly disappointing pirate's chest, this one's filled with toys from the 80s. Valuable, yes, but most of the items can already be found in the attic. We get a Jimmy Bones song in a knock-off of Freddy's playground chant, a meat hook delivered fresh off the set of Texas Chainsaw, and a skull-like brownstone reminiscent of the mansion in House on Haunted Hill (which is funny, seeing as how 13 Ghosts opens Friday, too).
The bad half is an hour-long setup which sees Snoop as a cameo in his own movie. The guy appears for a few seconds in flashback, mostly creeping across the walls in dark shadow. The demon dog's pimp-hand is strong: We get a scary opening in Jimmy's old pal, Shotgun, as he tries to run away from and kill the mongrel. This is followed by a mundane arrangement tracking the purchase of Jimmy's Brownstone by two brothers, their step-sister, and their friend. They're going to turn it into a DJ dance club. Of course: if you're a horrible mixologist, you compensate by throwing your rave in a classy joint. Too bad the place is Snoop's burial ground.
From here the movie turns into a spook house treat that missed Scary Movie 2's window of opportunity. We're told how Bones was killed by his friends. The good half comes with the resurrection of Jimmy's decomposed body, and the revenge he seeks out on those who killed him. The one problem with this is exactly what plagued the Crow sequels. A second turn at multiple retribution scenes piled one on top of the other isn't going to fly very far. It works here in the introduction of a first time character. Let's hope next time around, the screenwriters crawl away from this lazy plotting and gives us something differnt.
A disturbing aspect in the nature of what's played out: At its core, Bones is a cautionary parable against inter-breeding. In 1979, James Ellington Bones the 3rd is a savior walking the streets of his ghetto-fabulous neighborhood. It's his mission to keep things pure, which means no drugs and no white people. He's a fellow looking out for the man. Corruption comes in the form of Caucasian cops and greedy crack dealers. Jimmy won't let this infestation stand, and is killed in the process.
Longtime friend and business partner Jeremiah helps in betraying Bones by sticking him with a knife. Even more pointed to the ribs right next to the heart, Jeremiah leaves his roots for the suburbs. There, he marries a white woman and has a child by her. Bill is the middle kid with a pure white sister on one side of the family tree, and a pure black brother on the other side. Collectively, they have a friend named Maurice who claims to be "A melting pot." He's part Latino, part Caucasian, part African-American, part Asian. It's this group of four that we follow through most of the movie. Maurice, the "Melting Pot", is the one gruesomely devoured by Snoop in the manifestation of a pitch-black German Shepard. Bill, the younger mulatto brother, is also consumed by the spirits, spit into a tar pit of flailing limbs that looks a lot like Hell. The pure white mother and daughter are saved (because the stay in the suburbs), as is the pure black brother. There are no other reasons for this, other than the fact that Bill and Maurice are products of interracial "corruption;" the one thing Jimmy Bones strived to suppress in his neighborhood.
There is a motive behind Bones' revenge as played out on the three people that killed him. With these kids, there is no motive, other than that they bought his old house. Unlike your average Nightmare or Friday installment, we grow to know these four kids. It works the same way it did in Scream. So much time is given into their characters; we don't want to see them die. Bones is supposed to be a hero and a villain at the same time. He was a liberator, helping the children of the streets. It's a little sad that, upon his return from death, he now wants to kill them. What's that about?
Everything at play here twigs back to the blaxploitation pictures of the 70s. It even stars Pam Grier as Jimmy's love interest. She gets a few good moments in, but continues to look as unpleased with the material as she did in Ghosts of Mars (that super cool sequel to Ghosts of Mississippi). The film takes pains in setting up a realistic modern horror scenario, but blows it by having the severed heads of Bones' revenge victims talk. This bumps the material up to camp class, which is okay. It's been awhile since a true "camp" classic has emerged from the depths. I'm truly on the fence with this one. If I had it on DVD, I'd set the chapter stops to skip over a great deal of the first sixty-seven minutes. Let's just hope McFarlane molds a Movie Maniacs figure in the likeness of Jimmy Bones. That would make everything worthwhile. Wouldn't it?
Yes. I am going to see this movie again. But under the influence of many bubbles. Hey, I've got to experiment. This looks like a downtime drunken winner, but I'll never know unless I try. It sounds like it might be a better time than walking through the mall on the 31st. Out of the three horror pictures opening on Halloween, Donnie Darko, as an original "true" horror masterpiece, is your best bet, but Bones comes in a good second. If you like that kind of thing. I do.
|
Top Stories
14 Comments
