"Underworld. You've got to be sh*tting me. This is ass. It's a tool used by Satan to subdue and exonerate my ocular senses. There are huge chunks of exposition here that literally rendered me brain-dead. I blacked out, I spaced off. I just didn't care. "
You know you're in trouble when your Dracula movie spells Vampire with a "y". Underworld. You've got to be sh*tting me. This is ass. It's a tool used by Satan to subdue and exonerate my ocular senses. There are huge chunks of exposition here that literally rendered me brain-dead. I blacked out, I spaced off. I just didn't care. The Matrix Reloaded was funner, and way more exciting than this, and that experience was like watching cotton reproduce from seed.
Whoops. I copped out. I took the everyman's whore-able dictionary and applied it to the exact same spot as those other press corespondents. Shame on me. I should strive to give you comparisons that haven't literally been beaten into your skull a hundred times by other cults of complaint.
Let's face it. Kuffs, that strange quasi-dramedy that sees Christian Slater talking to the camera for no real apparent reason every five minutes or so, invented bullet time. Piss and moan all you want, but it was here that we first saw the use of this as-of-now overdone Sci-Fi staple. Blade then utilized the effect better and more subtly than anything before or after it. And Dark City was matrixy before the Matrix was even a glimmer in the eyes of its creators. Using the Matrix as a comparison tool bar is pretty lame, solely for the fact that, when it came out, the claim was made that it looked like nothing else in the cinematic world. That simply wasn't true. Underworld steals from the Matrix. Yes. But the Matrix stole from a lot of other, less provocative sh*t. This is a simple, understated fact that we shouldn't overlook.
Just as in the recent Matchstick Men, you'll be sick of the color blue before you're finished watching Underworld. Both movies have strapped a thick cobalt filter over their landscapes. The Matrix Reloaded used a green filter. They were a little more caviler about it. We didn't come away from that screen seasick and puking. It didn't infiltrate our eyes, shellacking them with a stain that would still be present three days later. Remember when you saw Spy Kids 3-D, and afterwards, when you'd taken off those glasses…They'd embedded a blue tint that was still persistent four hours later. Everything had this hue about it that wouldn't go away.
Underworld implores this same effect. You'll feel like you're trapped at the bottom of a swimming pool. It's as if someone knocked a Costco-sized jug of ink on Underworld's negative, permanently tarnishing its overall landscape. Go to the bus stop, and put your face right up against the Gothika poster situated there. Stare into the light behind it for two hours. It will leave you with the same consequences as sitting through this. It's cheaper, and people might drop a dime in your paper cup.
I might have been able to overlook this fact if any of Underworld's ruined content was any good. But it's not. There's a running joke over on the AICN talkbacks. When the Matrix Reloaded came out, resident pork salesman and "friend" whore Harry Balls complained that there were no Vampires or Werewolves inside the Matrix, even though the Oracle promised them. If you'll remember, she said that such things were anomalies hidden within the computer's hard drive. Everyone and his mother had to laugh at Harry's expectations. The Matrix wasn't some trumped up Hammer film. In my opinion, it should have been. I agreed with Harry. I wanted to see werewolves and vampires, too. Well, we get our wish (and after this, I'm going to stop wishing) with this new pumped-up adrenalin shot (yeah, right) of a movie. It is, basically, an offshoot of that particular series. A sidebar that could have easily appeared on the Animatrix.
There, it would have flourished as a kick-ass five-minute animated short. Here, it takes two days to tell a story that's an inch long. Only Vampire's will enjoy this, because they live for an eternity. It takes an eternity to get through it.
The concept of a blood war between Werewolves and Vampires sounds cool beyond belief. This could have shaken the rocks out of every bloated kidney. Instead, it wants to stand in the corner with its arms crossed, kicking a branded type of self-hatred at our faces that's not easily accommodating. What's wrong with this piece of dooket? Well, for starters, it takes itself way too seriously. It's that fat Goth girl in the mall, all dressed in black with the pasty face. She's visually screaming, "Look at me!" But when you turn to stare, the girl growls verbally, "Don't you f*cking look at me." That fat girl thinks she's a beaming ray of pitch black tar. An original member of the "bad mood" playground set. It's sad that she can't see how many other fat, ugly dressed-down girls are carrying the exact same lunch box in the exact same town center. If Hot Topic made a movie, it would look just like this generic Transylvania attire. It's garbed in a holier-than-thou snotty attitude. It can't even call its villains by what they are: vampires and werewolves. It has to trounce along like some inbred faggot, articulately bestowing each side with an antiquated monolith. Vampyres and Lycanthropes. F*ck you. You c*ck-teasing posers.
I hate mother f*cking vampires. I want to stab them all; them drinking their little cups of faux blood and hosting boring Polly-Anna type cosmopolitan parties for the Victorian Era mindset. What a bunch of losers! If I had the power, I'd shove a table leg through every single last one of their beating hearts. Wham, bam, another dead Gothic Harbinger set free from the walls of the shopping mall. I used to be a Vampire Hunter before I moved to California and took this job. Maybe that's why I'm doing time in Hell. I spent all that extracurricular activity-energy slaying Moby Dracula and his horde. Yup, they were the so-called denizens of the real Underworld this uber-film violently tit-rapes.
One thing I hate more than Vampires? Movies that set up the Vampire as protagonist. They're not the good guys. If a blood-sucking motion picture doesn't have that perpetual seeker of the undead, then it's just not worth my time. Who cares about their plight on this planet? Not me. Not by a damn long shot. Interview with a Vampire is stock garbage. So is this. It's like setting Hitler up as your hero. He's not going to be your saving grace. Boo-hoo, they have it hard. I don't care. I just want them dead.
I have more empathy for the werewolves. After all, it's discovered towards the end that the "Vampyres" were responsible for starting this blood war between these two races of super villains. Basically, the movie knows that vampires are a bunch of "good for nothings." But it fails to represent the "lychanthropes" as decent characters. They're bad guys too. We have absolutely no one to root for. This is a turf war where both sides are equally right and just as wrong. It's like trying to side with the Bloods or the Crips. It's all based on which color you prefer. Does the red go with my complexion, or does the blue better match my varicose veins? Underworld could be a metaphor for that raging conflict between the East Coast and West Coast rappers. What we need are Biggie and Tupac's mothers to come in and bring peace, tying these two sides together.
We kind of get that in the Scott Speedman character. He's got both wolf and bat blood in him. He's solely what this deficient story revolves around. Both creature-teams are after him. They want to use and abuse his body, stopping at nothing to win him over to their creepy side. See, it would be the same thing if Tupac had of fathered a baby with Biggie's sister. The moms put the baby in hiding. 20 years later, Dre, Snoop, and P. Diddy are thawed from their cryogenic chambers and thus go on a quest to capture the boy, hoping he'll side with their respective coastline. Dumb, I tell you. Just plain stupid.
Speaking of bat blood, what happened? Back in the day, vampires could change into bats just like that. Bamf! Not anymore. Every other rule is strictly abided by. Not the whole changing into bats motif. I dig that idea. From Dusk till Dawn utilized this stylistic approach wholeheartedly, and did so in a triumphant fashion. Sadly, we don't see any winged rats here. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt never morphed into a bat. Wesley Snipes might have had most of a Vampire's strengths, but he missed out on this one. Do you know how much cooler Underworld would have been had it stuck to the artistic design of those 1930 Universal horror classics? If the Vampires looked like Bella's Count Dracula and the "lycanthropes" looked like Lon Chaney's Wolfman, and the sets looked like they were constructed in someone's backyard, this would be hailed as a unique original. People would be stammering in a means to emphasize their enthusiasm for the piece. It would "rock hard." It would be "cool as sh*t." Instead, they went the obvious, redundant route. Now, everyone and their mother is calling out, "Wachowski rip-off!"
Ah, poppycock. It's all just corn vinegar; sour to the taste. I've got a hundred other reasons why I hate this movie. One of those reasons is because I'm a hater. Plain and simple. There's no getting around that fact. But I also can't stand the acting style utilized throughout the bulk of this crapterpiece. Everyone's such a goddamn Drama Queen, especially the head vampire they bring out of hiding. He sounds and acts like a menstruating transsexual. Every sentence that is spit out of his mouth comes with the exclamation mark. He makes the most rudimentary tasks seem like time-intensive priorities that might end the world if they're not DONE RIGHT THIS SECOND!!! He acts like driving nails into a wall to hang a Clint Eastwood Velvet painting will cease all the war and femininity in this world. Hey, it just might.
I abhor every single character thrown my way in this eclectic mix. They're all a bunch of post-gothic douche bags that should have all died before end credits. I sat with baited breath, endlessly hoping that Blade might show up to decapitate them all. The werewolves have a secret plan. I was hoping that they'd bring Sam and the Frog Brothers out of retirement for a little "Death by Stereo." Nope. Their strategy is instantly forgettable. Those behind the curtain couldn't even come up with one fresh, original idea in this cross-pollinated science project.
Case in Point: The end scene sees Kate Beckinsale slicing through the center of Drama Queen Vamp's head. He waits a minute. It looks like nothing has happened. Then, surprise, surprise, the upper part if his face and brain slide away from the rest of his body. Yeah, this was cool the first time it was done a couple years ago. And cool the next couple of times after that. But the image of body parts being severed and sliding away from each other has now been done to death. It's become a cliché with this film. It's old hat. I want to see some new tricks.
New tricks are exactly what Underworld fails to deliver. It sucks for two hours, then has the audacity to set itself up for a sequel. Yeah. I want to see that like I want to floss my lower sphincter with barbed wire. Hershel Gordon Lewis' children's films were scarier than this…Oh, I'm sure some one will like Underworld. Probably that fat Goth girl in the Mall. Good for you, fatty. They've made a movie just for your corpulent, stuck-up ass…
How about you make a movie for me now, and call it Underwire. That's what I want to see. Bras and naked breasts…
Where are you hiding these at, Hollywood? Some guys, like myself, just aren't lucky enough to see them in the real world…
I'm doomed. Plus, I have to suffer through times like these. It's not worth my nine bucks. F*ck that; it's not even worth a hundred and fifty cents…
Listen closely…
"Boo!"
Comments & Responses
More Theatrical Reviews
"This isn't so much a review as a precaution, as there is a lot to enjoy about Underworld if your expectations aren't aimed too highly, or geared toward anything new.
" ByChristopher Monfette
"Underworld is an entertaining movie, if not incredibly original. We've seen a lot of this stuff before, but the director's style and vision, as well as some great lead performances, will be more than enough to keep you in the theater for this dark, action-packed thrill ride.
" ByBrian Gallagher
"A bit hairy. A bit long in the tooth. But original enough to make it a thoroughly enjoyable effort." ByDerek May
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