Stay out of the swamp.
Adam Green's Hatchet is a return to the good ol' days of horror, when scares weren't computer-generated, when gallons of fake blood were splashed on trees, when men were men (until things got scary, at which point they squealed like little girls), women were scantily clad, and boys were deformed psychopaths with a taste for unique weaponry.
It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and Ben (Joel David Moore) has reached booze and boobs overload. Recently dumped and pining after his girlfriend, he enlists his pal Marcus (Deon Richmond) to accompany him on a swamp tour in a boat that travels the spooky murk surrounding the city. Marcus is less than enthused until the crew of the low, low, low (low) budget movie "Bayou Beavers" signs on, including amateur cameraman Shapiro (Joel Murray), pneumatic Misty (Mercedes McNab) and ditzy Jenna (Joleigh Fioreavanti). Joining them on the rickety cruiser are the painfully wholesome couple Mr. and Mrs. Permatteo (Richard Riehle and Patrika Darbo) and the beautiful-but-sullen Marybeth (Tamara Feldman).
Led by the P.T. Barnum of the swamp tour industry, fast-talking but slow-thinking showboater Shawn (Parry Shen) the tourists are decidedly underwhelmed by the fog, low-hanging branches and aggressively quiet sounds that Shawn tries to pass off as frightening. He launches into the story of Victor Crowley - yup, a legend in these parts - who is known to haunt the swamp. The boaters wave off the story as part of Shawn's continuing nonsense - except for Marybeth, who is notably discomforted.
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