Code Orange Alert #39148: Reign of Fire
About Mr. Deeds: How many times do we have to see Sandler's black foot getting whacked before it's rendered humorless upon purchase of a ticket? My Guess: Once. But I get it. I see the meaning. I know why this is the centerpiece to that Mr. Deeds commercial that continually pops up and eye-rapes me every time I go to watch whatever it is they're showing on the TV. That black foot represents every single Adam Sandler film ever made: Cold, dead, and completely devoid of any heart or feeling. When Adam asks Emilio the Butler to obliterate his foot with that fire poker, he's asking us, the reviewer, the critic, to whack away at his movie. He's essentially telling us that he doesn't feel the pain. He laughs at the hurt, smiling as the movie pulls in another couple million just as he's inherited it in the movie. He doesn't give a good Goddamn if we stake that 'foot' to the floor. And notice how he shows the Butler enjoying this activity immensely. Sandler knows we love to beat upon his cinematic achievements...
"Hey, Orange? Didn't you already do a Mr. Deeds review? You are just like that Butler. Why don't you talk about the Dragon movie."
"Shut up, Bag!"
A dragon movie. Can you believe it? A full-blown, destroying the world, eating people and keeping its mouth shut dragon movie. Who would have thought it possible? And here it is only a week before Eight Legged Freaks gets released. Yup, you heard me right; the movie I haven't been able to shut up about for almost a year is finally amongst us. How is it, that after a long dry spell absent any type of monster movie what-so-ever, two...Not one, but two balls-out, go for broke, funcore creature-feature extravaganzas get released within a week of each other? Why not spread the wealth a bit? I'll tell you why: Because this is a rocket of a double feature just waiting to happen. If Eight Legged Freaks and Reign of Fire don't end up on a double-bill at a drive-in somewhere, heads are going to roll.
But that really begs the question, doesn't it? Which one of these babies would play first? Which one is the second feature? Ah, but that is an easy answer...
Reign of Fire would be the headliner, and Eight Legged Freaks would be the back-up pitcher. Now, don't get me wrong, I know the Z picture usually gets shoved into second place. That's not to say Eight Legged Freaks (Arac Attack, which is a much cooler name, was its original title) is the lesser of these two evils. It's all about pedigree. Weighing both products in my hand, ELF wins hands down as the more enjoyable of the two; by a long shot. It has a breezier atmosphere; the creatures just keep coming like a non-stop flood of arachnid, and the heroes eventually wind up in a mall. How could that not be the better picture? How could that not be the best picture of the summer?
The difference is: Eight Legged Freaks is not pretending to be a legitimate film. It knows its roots, and it knows it's a B picture. There is no self-referential humor here. The characters haven't seen Scream. This is the type of movie that would play on a television in the background of this type of movie. The actors are all bottom shelf. And the action is top-notch trash. This thing harkens back to the glory years, when an afternoon at the matinee took your breath away. This brings us back to what Spielberg and Company were trying to do with movies like Gremlins, and Big Trouble in Little China, Aliens, and especially Return of the Living Dead. Eight Legged Freaks is what a lot more movies need to start being: Just pure, thoughtless, unadulterated FUN.
Reign of Fire, on the other hand, is dressed-up like a big studio release. It wanders around, pretending to be something its not. It looks f*cking fantastic; not as shabby as ELF. The cinematography is beautifully choreographed, and the talent here consists of people who can actually act. It strives to be that Blockbuster Summer Hit, but it knows in its heart of hearts that it, too, is just a fancy B grade monster flick. It's not fooling anybody. But on sheer production value alone, the dragon movie beats the spider movie. Reign of Fire is kicking it legit, and that would have theater owners shoving it out front. But we all know it's what's inside that counts. (Plus, wouldn't you want to see the more exciting entertainment at the tail end of an awesome evening at the movies? I know I would.)
Reign of Fire delivers with its premise, keeping the story short and sweet. There's not much narrative to go on here. All you need to know is that Dragons destroyed the world we now live in, and a small band of humans are trying to keep the race alive. Enter Mathew McConaughey and his army of dragon slayers, and you got yourself some good ol' fashion entertainment. The best thing about the movie is how real the dragons look. This is some of the best CGI work I've ever seen. At no time is it cartoony or streaked. I'm a cynic, and I believed a living, breathing Dragon had actually been photographed. Even when these beasts are seen interacting with a human, the mix is faultless. The package as a whole rests on cool.
Though, I was slightly disappointed. I wanted more. The film flies by at an hour and forty-five minutes, yet it seems rather short. At any given time, there is only one dragon on screen. I wanted dozens of dragons relentless pelting their human prey. There is one shot of the London skyline, seen in the trailer, where the monsters blacken the heavens with their flock, but it's the only shot like it in the film. I realize it would be pointless for three humans to fight a school of dragons, seeing as how just one wipes out an army of men. But I thought that's what I was going to get. Also, the theatrical poster shows a dozen helicopters battling the mythical creatures. In the actual movie, there is only one helicopter and it disappears from the film fairly early on. As far as its promotional material is concerned, Reign of Fire doesn't play fair. It lies. Still, I enjoyed it immensely.
Eight Legged Freaks, on the other hand, peeks at relentless. The Spiders never stop coming, or growing, and eventually it looks as though there is absolutely no escape for our heroes. I just love that in a film. It's good to see that this type of movie is still being made.
Some people might call these movies dumb, but that's the point. They're not supposed to enthrall the world like A Beautiful Mind. We're supposed to live in the moment of the frame, not contemplate each action afterwards. It's about being eaten alive; I just hope these two films aren't consumed on the way to that weekly box office chart. Even if neither film comes out on top, you can believe they'll be around a long time on DVD. Both Reign of Fire and Eight Legged Freaks are instant classics. They both have an immediate, everlasting shelf life.
These two films have ceased my suicidal thoughts. I want to live, if only to see them again.
"Orange, you're an idiot."
"I know, but I have Citrus flavored fiber biscuits. They help me go poop."
"See, you're not one ounce better than that Adam Sandler movie. You're a jerk."
"I'll accept that."
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