Deal movie!!
That's the phrase my in-the-know buddies and I like to yell whenever we see some bit of fluff like Raising Helen.
Deal movies are those films that have no logical reason for getting made, and may, in fact, get produced because of some as yet unfulfilled contract or owed obligation to get film product in the pipeline. But after sitting through this tear-jerker (is there such a thing as a laugh-jerker?) that's my only explanation. This movie does not deserve to live.
And yet here we are crying about it.
Start with a very light concept. Three sisters. One of them dies. And in her will she leaves her kids not to the responsible one, Jenny (Joan Cusack), but to the single-swingle Helen (Kate Hudson). Helen is a New York City career gal, the type who can glide past the velvet rope at the cool club and still look ravishing at the morning meeting, in this case at a New York City modeling agency. Yes, Helen has it all. But is she fulfilled? When tragedy strikes, Helen wants to do the right thing. And so instead of doing that, she drags the kids from New Jersey, moves them into a lovely, racially mixed Queens apartment building -- complete with lovable, warm and fuzzy neighbors -- and tries to be a Mom.
And her whole world goes to Hell...en.
Ms. Hudson's range of exasperation seems to involve cutely blowing the hair out her face, cutely putting her hand on her hip and cutely staring into the eyes of her charges while trying to teach them how to tie their shoes or relate to a recalcitrant turtle. These are the kinds of huggable problems only a Panavision camera can capture. You don't know whether Kate should call for daycare or make-up.
There's a little tear-jerking twitch out of Kate when she loses her job. This occurs when she brings her three nose pickers along to a fashion show where she's supposed to be working. Yes, only in the movies do such lapses in human judgment play as reasonable. Can't find a babysitter is Helen's excuse to her boss, a deed accomplished by looking in the phone book under "B." No matter. It makes for a cute set piece when the little girl trips the underwear models on the runway while stunt blonde Paris Hilton (again?!) looks on.
But such is the logic of the Deal Movie.
And of course when real exasperation strikes, when life goes to Helen in a hand basket, there's always romance.
Enter Pastor Dan (no kidding) played by heartthrob John Corbett. Fresh from his breakthrough role as The Mute Groom in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Corbett is at his monosyllabic best and I think this is his appeal to women. He just stands there and says nothing. You can put a suit on him, dress him up this way and that like a Ken doll, and he won't even budge -- every woman's dream I suppose. They've put the collar of a Lutheran minister on him this time. He's the headmaster of the kids' new school, and shelter from the storm Kate seeks. Later, we can even dress him in a hockey uniform, just so we know he's not gay. Whew! says Kate, hand planted on her hip. Heaven help Helen if Pastor Dan has to talk, but that's okay. In this movie, all he has to do is stand there.
There is a crisis later on that brings all this mishegoss to a head. The eldest of the three kids, the fifteen year old (Hayden Panettiere) goes missing at the prom, a beat I remember (complete with priests) from The Trouble With Angels in 1968. But thanks to the quick thinking Joan Cusack and her Mom-tuition, the misguided Tween is found and rescued from a Deal Movie thug named BZ, who, if you check with real kids out there in the real world, is about as dangerous as Kleenex.
And there are other light moments. Where, you ask, does Hector Elizondo fit in? This is after all a Gary Marshall film and Hector is to Gary what William Demarest was to Preston Sturges. (Yeah! You wish!) In this case, Hector shows up as a used car dealer who gives Kate a job -- and the chance to blow her hair out of her face and bat her eyes as she earns $17.50 an hour. Such are the jobs available in Deal Movie.
And yes, just in case you were worried, Hector Elizondo wears a toupee. Which blows off his head! Just like always.
Laugh? I thought I'd die.
Overall, if you can't tell, Raising Helen suffers from a severe case of the cutes. Cute laughter. Cute tears. Heartbreakingly cute little kids. And a warm and fuzzy ending in which, surprise! Helen chooses the kids AND gets the dream job she always wanted back at the modeling agency.
How?
Apparently Kate has learned where babysitters are located in the Yellow Pages. It's right there under "B."
But you can look up this movie under "D." For Dumb.
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