A review of Star War: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith - By B. Alan Orange
(Spoiler Free…Sort of. I won't tell you what happens. But I might tell you a little bit about what doesn't happen. Is that against the rules?)
I used to be the smiling guy, but I will smile...
No more!
Yesterday, I was ecstatic; excited that I was getting to see the last Star Wars film two weeks before its proper release. I was running around, humming Darth Vader's ominous theme everywhere I went. I was happy. Joyful. Wow, this was a big deal. I love Star Wars. I've never had a bad word to say about the prequels. Ever. The little idiosyncrasies never bothered me. I'm not too concerned with the continuity of the series. When I go to the theater, I want to have fun. And Episodes I and II, despite their epic cinematic failures as far as dialogue and dumb humor is concerned, were enjoyable bouts of digital abandoned. I've always said so. Check the history on this site. I even hold an affinity for a certain Jar Jar Binks, if only because he was this gargantuan fool. The one guy that showed up to the biggest party of the year and ruined it for everyone (I certainly can identify with that). He was the sole embodiment of geeks everywhere, yet the nerd culture was so consumed with acclimating itself into the dictionary of cool at the time, the majority of them failed to notice they were stoning one of their own.
Yes. I had a lot of preconceived notions about this final (as far as theatrical releases go) chapter of the Star Wars Saga. I think everyone does. I've staid away from all the spoilers. The K-Mart books and the Internet Advanced reviews. I didn't want to know anything. And I succeeded. I was frosty; fresh and clean walking into that theater. Thing is, much like every living sole that is going to see this on opening day, I knew the entire storyline before finding my perfect seat. I didn't know the details, but I knew what had to happen. It's almost impossible not too know. This is a history even my Mother is familiar with, and she can't remember or keep track of events from one movie to the next. I was prepared for what was going to happen on screen. What I wasn't prepared for was how it would affect me. Or make me feel.
I thought I was going to come out of that screening room elated. On top of the World. I guessed that I'd rush to my car, ready to call my brother and a couple of my friends, screaming, "My God, that was awesome!" Instead, I stumbled into the sunlight, disaffected. The film left me feeling rather melancholy. Angry, almost. I didn't want to call anyone. I just wanted to go lie in a ditch somewhere, and stare at the sky. And die. Revenge of the Sith left me feeling a bit finished inside. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, this isn't an easy ride. I can't quite sum up my interior experience in words.
Don't get me wrong. It's not a horrible film. I'm not going to pull out one of those age-old clichés like, "George Lucas punched my childhood in the kidneys!" Or, "He did it too me a third time!" You know, those geek lines that rate super high in the Star Wars lexicon. Seriously, they're up there with, "I have a bad feeling about this." And, "You Don't know the Power of the Darkside." Saying, "George Lucas raped my virgin mouth with his prequels!" Is synonymous with, "May the Force Be With You." I'm surprised Lucasfilm hasn't slapped a trademark on this "rape" chestnut. They could have made millions off it in T-shirt sales alone.
Revenge of the Sith isn't a bad film. It's quite the opposite.
Thing is, this isn't supposed to be a rousing Whoopti-Doo. It's not supposed to be a fun summer thrill ride. The fact I left the film feeling completely, unequivocally depressed means the sonvabitch made something that surpasses Pop Entertainment. Yeah, I guess, for the most part, George got it right. He nailed the aura and emotional arc usually associated with a funeral pyre. I don't even really want to talk about the goddamn thing. Revenge of the Sith wiped me out both physically and emotionally. So much so, I'm not going to rush back to the theater to see it anytime soon. The next time I watch the movie is going to be when I'm broken hearted, and I want to feel ten times worse than I already do. I'm glad I didn't see this with a buzz on, I would have been crying like a little bitch through the last twenty minutes.
That's a dirty trick. There's not supposed to be any crying in Star Wars.
Maybe I feel sick at my stomach because I know this is the last time I'll ever see a new Star Wars movie for the first time. That ate at me while watching the film. Still, a huge part of me is glad it's all over. It was the exact way I felt at the end of Jedi, when I was a kid. "Shheew! I'm happy I don't have too worry about that any more." I have to face it; I'm suffering from Post-Star Wars depression. And the fact that the whole thing ends on a down note is tearing away at my insides. You thought Empire Strikes Back had a bummer conclusion, that's nothing compared to what happens here.
I don't know too much about George Lucas' private love life, but damn, he must have been f*cked over, hardcore. Watching Sith, you can just feel that his heart was ripped out of his chest. He equates a love relationship with having his legs and arm cut off, catching on fire, being burned alive, and then locked inside this robotic shell of his former self. That's sadistic. And gruesome. Advanced word of mouth has called this is a dark, fun film. It's dark, all right, but there's nothing fun about it. To fully understand the impact of the Vader death and re-birth, you almost have to have had your heart obliterated by a member of the opposite sex. I can identify. Maybe that's why the movie left me feeling so empty. And alone.
I don't really have any problems with Revenge of the Sith. I have a deep-seated feeling that we'll be seeing the same thing that happened with Attack of the Clones, as far as the nerdcore fans go. If you remember, they all seemed to love Episode II when it came out. They thought the Yoda fight was awesome. Then, a few weeks after its release, they all backtracked on their original views and lambasted the thing. They said the Dooku-Yoda saber fight went against the integrity of the characters. They complained about the love scenes. They complained about the fact that R2D2 could fly. It's a slippery slope, though. With a new film, you want to see new things. Lucas gives us new, cool things, but then the core base of jerk-offs complains about it. If they had a problem with R2D2's flying mechanism in the last film, they're going to have a good ol' fashion sleeping bag blowout when they see the things he can do in this latest chapter. (I personally liked all of the R2D2 scenes, even though they were a bit goofy.)
Basically, I‘m disappointed in the film's certain disregard for beloved figureheads that have been hyped in promo after promo, but sadly don't account for much screen time. I wanted more Chewbacca. I wanted more C3PO. I wanted more Vader (though, I feel that his bit is played quite well considering the scheme of things). These three staples of the Star Wars Universe clock about five minutes apiece at the maximum. I wanted to see Qui Gon Jinn in ghost form. We were supposed to get an explanation about Yoda and Obi-Wan's ability to meld with the force and become one with it when they die. That explanation is written off fairly lightly. It takes Old Ben something, like, twenty years to figure out the process, and its never explained how Anakin learns this power in order to come back a fresh faced spook at the end of the newly revised Jedi. I guess Obi Wan and Yoda retrieved him from the netherworld when he passed away.
These are minor gripes, and I have a feeling we'll see a lot more of Chewbacca in the TV series that should be headed our way in a couple of years. The film slyly sets that up. Mostly, though, I'm angry that Jar Jar Binks only gets one line. What's that about? The poor bastard. I really wanted to see him brandish a Lightsaber and clear his name. That would have been awesome…For no one but me…
I said earlier that this review was Spoiler Free…Well, that's kind of an oxymoron. The thing that surprised me most about Sith is that there are no big reveals or surprises. At all. And about the digital projection: I'd heard that the digital version was longer, with an extra scene of Yoda heading to Dagobah. I can't confirm or deny if it's any longer or not, but the digital version does not contain a scene of Yoda arriving on his planet of exile. That's a fib.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. It made me feel like dogsh*t. Like the hottest girl; her fist punching me in the face. Ouch. It hurts, and it's going to take me a while to deal with my feelings on this one. That its irked up any emotional residue from my gut at all means that it's a neo-masterpiece in the Sci-Fi genre. Where do I place it in the order of the six films? I don't. Each Star Wars film means something different to me, and I don't really like one more than the other.
I sure as Hell won't be watching Revenge of the Sith in a means to get my smile back.
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