Twilight: Review By GloryZombie

This moview was nigh unbearable. I had to watch it with Rifftrax's to even get through it. Let me put emphasis on this statement, I had to watch Rifftrax with it to even get through it. I tip my hat to Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy for making this movie at the very least if nothing else, bearable.

The downsides of the movie are to numerous to count. The characters are all either bland and one-dimensional or just plain annoying. It doesn't help that the main protagonist Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) falls into the latter of these two categories. The plot is non-exsistent, however more suprisingly is the dreadful dialogue. None of the characters seem to know how to speak in complete sentences. They can't finish a simple statement without a long awkward pause or at leas twenty "Umms". With this, not only is the plot non-exsistent but so is the dialogue. An accomplishment in it's own right I suppose. The whole thing unfolds like a bad fan fiction. Bella is a hormonal, stupid, desperate, socially awkward teenaged girl. Under any other circ*mstances this would make her the ultimate reject of the school she went to. But no, all the characters seem to have an exsistence dependant on her happiness, and they all go way out of their way to make her happy and included. How many high schoolers socialize like this?

You get even more lost in the bad fan fiction element of this film when you meet the Cullens, who are all rather forgetable except for Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison), and the only reason he's less forgetable is becuase they focus on him the most. He's an idiotic teenager who shares many common traits with Bella. He is also a Vampire, that sparkles in the sunlight, has super powers, is completely invincible and extremely sexy apparently. At that point I'm wondering what happened to the vampire's curse? Aren't vampires cursed creatures that burn in the sunlight, have no super powers, are not invincible by any stretch of the imagination, and are souless creatures incapable of basic human emotions? Edward seems to have the last one down but he's missing the others. Edward isn't a vampire, he's a version of superman that drinks blood.

I might as well try to review this movie, little substance though there is. The story or lack there of starts in Phoenix Arizona, where Bella narrates that she is moving to Forks against her will although no one is forcing her too. When she arrives in Forks the first thing that happens is the make up department goes on strike, for the rest of the production apparently. Bella starts school and is immediatley and joyfully greeted by everyone. Everyone except for Edward Cullen who she of course immediatley crushes on becuase of his sexy stalker glare. Incedently Edward and Bella have the same class together in biology. Which isn't a total coincedence when you consider it's the only class in the whole school. From there she eventually discovers that Edward is a sparkly pixie fairy though she mistakes him for a vampire. Edward struggles with some form of inner demons, thinking he's a monster. I honestly pity Edward and his own stupidity, when you consider the fact that he's been living an immortals life for nearly two hundred years, you'd think he'd mature off the damn teenaged drama. Why is he still acting like a seventeen year old when he's nearly twenty times older? But no, he decides to date Bella becuase she's unique for some reason, even though she is definetly the type of girl to crush on every boy she meets.

The movie drags on forever, with nothing in particular happening other than the mundane highschool lifestyle. Why this is such a popular movie? Well the movie and the book mind you stay true to a very simple basic formula. The author creates a character that is an empty shell, in this case the author bases Bella off of herself. By doing this Bella becomes less of a character and more of a role playing model, giving her vague hints of a personality by making her personality insecure and awkward. This makes any girl who has gone through puberty able to identify. Then she introduces apparently ideal guys. Through the main protaginst viewers and readers alike can now fantisize about the other characters. Enough said, it is a terrible movie that should be buried with Stephanie Meyer!