The Twilight Saga: New Moon: Review By JT's Movie Page

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON REVIEW

By J.T. Johnson

Director: Chris Weitz

Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner

"I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy." This is a line said in the film by character Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) when she is talking about one of the worst protagonist in recent years known as Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). This is also the most accurate line of dialogue in the entire film known as "The Twilight Saga: New Moon."

As everyone should damn well know by now, "New Moon" is the follow-up to last year's equally horrible "Twilight." To tell the truth, this latest film is actually much worse than last year's catastrophe.

The film once again follows the relationship of Bella and her vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen (played by an always seemingly constipated Robert Pattinson). Things seem to be going pretty good for the couple until the night that the Cullen family throws Bella a birthday party.

After she gets a paper cut, one of Edward's family members can't resist trying to kill Bella and the audience finds themselves cheering the young vampire on until Edward inevitably saves her. Seeing the danger that has come to Bella, Edward tells her that the Cullens are leaving town and that she will never see him again.

Bella is apparently too traumatized to eat, sleep or even get out of the same chair for three months. Yeah, one idiotic shot shows Bella sitting in the same chair and same clothes as the camera revolves around her three times and the view outside the window reveals the changing of time. I understand that the shot was just trying to show that even though three months has past, Bella still hasn't gotten over Mr. Sparkle, but the shot was ridiculous and just came off as the director trying way too hard.

Anyway, where was I with this piece of sh... Oh, yeah! So, the anorexic vampire is out of the picture and Bella eventually gets up out of the chair and begins to hangout with Jacob Black (the dude from "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl"). However, Jacob himself is also a bit different this time around. If you're a fan of the book series (I'm sorry) or you've seen any advertisements for this film, then you should know that Jacob is actually a werewolf.

Apparently, all this means is that he turns into a part-time wolf and a full-time dick. There was a split-second where I almost liked this character. Then he turns into a werewolf and that split-second is up. He is always mad about something, starts treating Bella like sh*t and runs around with his shirt off all the time.

Speaking of which, I could go for the rest of my life without seeing another shirtless man or Edward doing a slow-motion walk with a blue button-up with wife beater attachment and I'll be fine with that.

Now, before anyone says that this movie just isn't for me, let me tell you something. If I had a daughter, I wouldn't even want her to see this atrocious crap.

First off, Bella is without a doubt the worst role-model I have ever seen. This character tells little girls that it is okay to allow a man to control their lives and be nothing more than a depressed shell when said man leaves them. Also, don't tell me that Bella is in love with Edward and that is why she is upset. She is not in love. She has an unhealthy obsession that borders on insanity.

I could go on and on about why this is a horrible film but that would take up a lot of space. Therefore, I'll end by saying this: the one valid complaint "Twilight" fans had was that I had never seen the films or read the books. I tried reading the books (the first chapter of "Twilight" was as far as I got) and now I've seen this latest installment in the film series. I thought for sure "Friday the 13th" would be the worst film of the year but this film came in at the eleventh hour and stole the spot away in just over a month before year's end.

0 / 5 Stars - Crap

(This is My actual score. Apparently, Movieweb won't allow me to give the film 0 stars.)