The Tuxedo: Review By B. Alan Orange

A Theatrical Full-Body Physical performed by Dr. Movie:

Dr. Movie here with a look at this week's patient, 'The Tuxedo'. My prognosis: Healthy with Low Blood Pressure.

"Boo! You suck!"

Dr. Movie's prescription: Take Two Jackie Chans and call me in the morning.

"What the f*ck does that mean? Is that supposed to be funny? Go back to hustling Horse Tranquilizers over at Pet-Meds, you Internet hack."

Dr. Movie is here to study the symptoms: The Tuxedo is a fast-paced action-ier that teams Jackie Chan with the ever-lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt. It delivers on its thrill-a-minute promise with uncompromising verve...

"I smell a plant! Did you even see The Tuxedo, Dr. Movie?"

Who are you and why are you bothering me?

"I'm the jerk you uncompromisingly sank like a shark without a head. I used to occupy this empty space before you came along and ripped me from these pages like an obscure headline."

No, Sir, you got yourself fired. Not me; I'm just doing my job. When you used to stink up this joint with your disjointed howlings, I never waltzed in and sh*t on your rug. I've been warned about you. You're a schitzo-phrenic! Your reviews should be accompanied by a lead dissolve because they cause angina pains in every person who reads them.

"Oh, is that right? Is that your prognosis of The Orange? Well, I got a prognosis for you, ass-face! Much like Slap Her, She's French, you're DOA. You couldn't talk your way out of a bag, and when it comes to movies, you ain't got the medicine to cure this Hollywood sickness."

Oh, yeah, Mr. Smarty-Pants. Lets see you review this movie. I don't think you can do it.

"You don't, huh? Back up and watch me work some magic. After I'm done, you're going to want to put your hands on my review, cause I'm the Benny Hinn of the critical world, bitch!"

Are you going to 'blah, blah, blah' all day, pill-popper, or are you gonna go?

"Oh, I'm going to go. You best step back!"

Code Orange Alert #39085: THE TUXEDO

My mom told me to give Jackie Chan a good review. Always, the man is awesome. I'll give him all the praise in the world. As for his new movie? Sorry, Mom.

It's not my fault; I've been hyper-conditioned to expect something spectacular in a Jackie Chan movie. When I go to one of his films, I want to see at least one amazing stunt that's never been done before, shot from an angle that lets me know for a fact that it's Jackie up there, risking life and limb to outperform his previous endeavor. He needs to throw himself off a moving speedboat, or fall sixty stories to land on his neck; heck, I'd even settle for him having sex with Anna Nicole. But, nope. We haven't been treated to one of his jaw-dropping moves in a longtime. Not since he packed his bags and moved to America. I guess we can't insure his ass, and that has me screaming, "Please, send this Cinematic God back to Hong Kong!"

When I flock to a Jackie Chan movie, I'm surely not headed there for the plot. Every single story attached to any one of his films is horribly cliched. They're bottom basement B-Flicks; we suffer through the dialogue to get to the good stuff. Why would I want to watch one of these awful things when it's completely devoid of the Chan magic? I kinda liked the first Rush Hour; it had a surprisingly well-developed script and would have been entertaining without Jackie. Basically, it wasn't a Chan vehicle, yet he somehow wandered into it. Still, there wasn't one perfectly timed action set piece to be found in its ninety-nine minute running time. Shanghai Noon delivered some good fights, but this is where it really started going down hill. The only thing Jackie did in Rush Hour 2 was dive feet first through a small opening in a box office window. Now, we have The Tuxedo. It's a Jackie Chan movie that completely skips out on why we go to a Jackie Chan movie in the first place. Instead of amazing stunt work, we're left with some horrible Z-Grade spy flick that can't cough up enough phlegm to congeal itself in any form. Sure, there are a few fist-fights hidden away here, but earlier in the day I watch a couple of far superior battle sequences in the craptabulous 1982 sh*t-flick Kung Fu Zombie. Now, if a shiny new movie can't outperform something as lame as Kung Fu Zombie, there ain't much need to keep it around.

The story here, what little there is of it, anyway, is blissfully stupid. The air surrounding this project is loud and busy, juking and jiving this way and that, trying its hardest to convince you that something is actually going on. But it's a loudmouthed con man whose slight of hand wears thin before the midway point. Basically, The Tuxedo is about a suit that allows Jackie Chan to do what he normally does, except without any of that signature fun intact.

Most movies require something called a plot to hinge their action onto. We need certain beats, which are supposed to build and climax. Not today; this is basically Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt crashing party after party to gather information about some nondescript bad guy. When we first meet him, we can't believe we're actually looking at the film's protagonist. He has about as much charisma as Jeremy Davies taking a nap. And, get this; our power mad evil genius' plan is to take over the World using bottled water. Huh? His intentions are about as inspired as this awful script. Hell, why didn't he just go out and hire the Dasani Girls?

This film seems as confused as we are as to what Jennifer Love Hewitt is doing standing next to Jackie Chan. She seems an unlikely candidate for sidekick, and proves that notion. God, the girl looks emancipated. Her physic has taken on the same shape as some of the dehydrated victims flaunted about in this movie. Has she been drinking the film's 'thirsty' water, a batch of diseased H2O that sucks the electrolytes out of any given body? Not only does she look less than healthy; she seems to be playing herself, which isn't a very appealing aspect. Near the end of the movie, commenting on Jackie's love interest, she blurts out the line; "She's not very pretty." It's supposed to come across as a bit of jealousy on her part, but it's spit forth in the wrong tone. It makes Love look like a stuck-up bitch. Not the pitch they were going for, I'm sure.

Now, let's talk about the ending. A respected undercover spy agency is going to culminate its powerful resources, spending their time, money, and effort on urging this normal guy to go into an art gallery and ask a girl out? I'm all for escapist entertainment, but give me a break. Then, to top it off, Jackie blows the attempt. After everything that's happened, we're supposed to believe Chan can't even get up the nerve to ask some undeserving hooch out? Please. Even more disturbing is that a developing sexual relationship between Jackie and Love is hinted at. Yeah, I want to see that about as much as...I don't know what, but you can probably guess I don't want to see it that much, if at all.

You know a Jackie Chan movie is bad when nobody gets hurt during the end credits' blooper reel. Usually the best part of the movie, this one's only promising moment, possibly the best moment in the whole film, comes when Jackie berates Hewitt for ruining another take, wasting his time, and wasting expensive film stock. It almost garnered applause from the audience I was with, but you could feel they had no energy left to even comment on it. There's not one willful injury apparent here, and that's just not right.

Jackie needs to throw that trademarked danger element back into the projects he chooses. Working with Jennifer Love Hewitt, while mighty risky, just won't cut it. Hopefully Shanghai Knights will be a better endeavor for the poor guy. First, Chris Tucker gets a bigger paycheck, and then Jackie's thrown into this mess. That's pure blasphemy. From what I understand, he's headed back to Hong Kong to make something called Titanium Ring. F*ck, yeah! Now that's the Chan I'm talking about!

"There you go, Dr. Movie. Please bow down before the great and honorable Orange!"

I'm sorry, what did you say? I was too busy watching this woman beat her kid on CNN. Damn, that lady's kind of hot. Check her out, all crying and sh*t.

"Mr. C*nt, weren't you even paying attention?"

I heard you say something about the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt being emancipated. She ain't black, you twit. I think you meant to say emaciated. Personally, I think she's beautiful. And the other day, she gave me a hug. A very sweet girl. You should feel ashamed of yourself for saying such horrible things.

"Hey, I'm saying them to try and help her out. For f*ck's sake, that girl needs to eat something. She looks like a victim of Auschwitz. She's evaporating before my eyes."

Damn it, Orange, why do I have to keep coming back?

"Webmaster B., nice to see you."

And Dr. Movie, I'm ashamed of you. I thought you were a professional. Here, you let Brad trick you into posting another one of his abhorrent reviews. I've had it with the both of you. Jackie Chan rules the Earth. How can you give his movie such a slamming introduction to those who've yet to see it?

"Rest assured, B.; Jackie Chan feels the exact same way I do. Hard to believe, I know, but check it out here... (Look for Jackie Chan's honest comments and a bit more disturbing news from the people behind this awful flick in the news archive from September 2002.)