Ted: Review By Bryan Yentz

***BEFORE YOU CONTINUE*** Know that this review is based upon a technically unfinished product. Recently, I attended a pre-screening of Seth MacFarlane's newest creation and directorial debut, "TED". While the film isn't going to hit screens until later this year, we were shown the rough cut; a version still without half its computer and sound effects--not to mention an entire missing scene. Having written that, I found such absences to lend in favor of the film as it played like a glitched videogame or an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 without the commentary. Personally, I found quite a good deal of humor in these incomplete elements, as much of the purposeful humor wasn't actually that funny. Be it known that many of my issues with the film would have also been made clear to the executives. . . Had they not told me to leave at the end of the screening because I was taking too long to write upon my critique sheet. With that, if any such employee of TED read this review, I hope my points might be addressed in the future product.***

And for those that care, since many of my issues herein are plot-related, I'll say this once, ***POSSIBLE SPOILER WARNING***

As children, most of us sought to personify our stuffed animals as living, breathing, sentient creatures. They would listen intently to our stories and not interrupt, defend us from vicious beasts clawing out from the closet, and give us comfort that only a plush mammal could afford. They were our best friends; our compatriots. Sadly, despite our efforts, prayers, wishes and poor attempts at witchcraft, these toys would only remain just that--toys. Never would they be able to walk, talk, share our interests, or journey into the brave unknown on perilous quests. They'd simply remain inanimate objects; slave to our imagination. But what if all of that changed? What if one moment of desperation allowed you the opportunity to have that cute, cuddly buddy--the ever-loyal ally you always wanted?

Well, if it's anything like TED, then it probably wouldn't turn out the way you hoped. . . In fact, all of the magical possibilities of such an unbelievable being might only be relegated to constant inebriation, drug use, hookers and flying with Flash Gordon. Actually, that last part does sound pretty damn cool. And the hookers. No, wait. Just Flash.

Coming from the comedic empire that is Seth MacFarlane, TED is a simple story of love, loss and friendship all centered around a teddy bear named. . . Wait for it. . . Ted! After a lonely boy makes a wish, his teddy bear springs to CGI life and both become inseparable. Jump to present day and nothing between the two has changed. . . Other than their vices. John (Mark Wahlberg) and Ted (voiced by none other than MacFarlane himself--think Peter Griffin with more Boston) share an apartment with John's girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) and spend their days sucking on bongs, downing beer and fantasizing about Flash Gordon. That's, well. . . Kind of it. There's not much point in going any further with the synopsis as there isn't much of a story. This is a buddy comedy that plays by every rule in the "Universal-Guidebook-For-Buddy-Comedies". Thus, every plot-point, every bit of conflict and moment of resolution can be determined in the first ten minutes of the film, or by anyone who has seen any comedy in the last fifty years.

While I've learned not to have expectations for Hollywood comedies in regards to originality, even the most base plot can be elevated through compelling execution. Sadly, the most interesting portions of TED are undercooked or completely ignored altogether. First off, the film as a whole would have been far more entertaining had it focused on John and Ted as children--not full grown adults. This could have been a fantastically adult coming-of-age comedy, but it's not. The childhood portions are mere dots of ink on a narrative canvas of white. Another element that is nearly non-existent but is supposed to play a rather large overarching role in the climax is that Ted is supposed to be a has-been celebrity of sorts. A montage during the introduction displays this, yet NOTHING afterwards would have you believe (or even remember for that matter) that Ted was ever something people other than John clang to. Other than a creeper and his kin (played perfectly by Giovanni Ribisi), no one ever stops John or Ted and states, "Hey, isn't that the famous teddy bear?" It's confusing, in that, it's supposed to (and should be) a big aspect of the story, yet no responsibility has been taken into actually developing it. The viewer is supposed to accept it "just because". While I would have just bought the idea of the public simply accepting the fact that Ted is alive, MacFarlane and co. opened a door they didn't need, in turn, creating too much content that needs explanation.

Other plot problems arrive late in the game. One scene has Ted and John duke it out in a motel room (how Ted even finds the room is also an error that is beyond me). The comedic bout of brutality is entertaining-especially for those who are fans of the chicken fight from FAMILY GUY, but later, when Ted is faced with multiple foes, his ability to fight just disappears. Convenient, yes; logical, no. This also leads into problems with the climax--the antagonist doesn't even have any closure. I'd like to tell you what happens to him, but I simply don't know. Either they have yet to shoot it, or it was never actually written. Not sure which.

Even the denouement is prolonged as Ted has technically two "death scenes" one directly after the other. During both, John and BLAH scurry to resuscitate the torn body of Ted. After one ends on a definite note--the other begins directly afterward. It's gratuitous and uncalled for--stick with one.

Outside of the narrative pitfalls many jokes and flashbacks are severely hit-or-miss. While the Family Guy formula works to a degree, the sprinkling of cheap sound effects and run-on jokes are only funny if conveyed right. I don't find it funny if something cute begins to use vulgar language and do "bad things". I mean, if the story is going to lack ingenuity, at least apply some to the jokes. Sadly, for the majority of its runtime, TED plays it WAY too safe. If I'm going into an R-rated comedy about a crude, smack-talkin' bear, I want to be shocked, people! Coming from FAMILY GUY's creator I'd expect a lot more envelope-pushing, jaw-dropping material. That isn't the case. I was disappointed on this front, but some sequences like a rip on Obama, a comment about a fat child's gait, and a prostitute's "gift" gave me a good laugh.

As this is still in development, I'd also warn my editor against continuity errors. During the introductory credits (which are far too long), many of the scenic shots of the city flip between evening, day and night. The problem? We're following John and Ted to work at nine in the morning. Other little pieces of poor continuity involve character actions not continuing from shot-to-shot. One such example is of a certain celebrity drinking a beer. With each shot the beer was either at his mouth, below it, at his waist, or hanging by his side. And in regards to characters. . . John's foreign friend is one of the worst attempts at humor I've seen in a long time. I'd relate him to Jar-Jar Binks in that he isn't funny at all and the film would be infinitely better if he was just dead. Seriously, every broken phrase that spilled from his mouth just made me embarrassed for the writer. Oh. . . Sorry, Seth.

TED isn't terrible by any means, but it is forgettable. You might enjoy it for the time it's on, but it's not the kind of film whose jokes you'll find yourself repeating for months to come. Since the plot is SO formulaic, you could replace Ted with any kind of character--human or no--and have the EXACT same film. It's a one-trick pony that uses and recycles its joke in the first five minutes. Really, this is like an episode of FAMILY GUY stretched into an hour-and-a-half length, minus the terrible attempts at social statements. Again, this isn't a judgment on the technical failures, as I actually found myself enjoying the film more because of them, however, TED is still just another by-the-numbers comedy that retains potential for great humor, but would rather coast by on its star power than apply itself.