Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones: Review By B. Alan Orange

Code Orange Alert #38978: Attack of the Clones

(spoiler free)

Star Wars is an abusive lover. The Phantom Menace bitch-slapped a lot of people into oblivion, handing out black eyes like they were candy at Christmas time. I was quite attuned to her truculent ways well before I stepped into the theater. Maybe that's why I was one of the few who didn't hate the twenty-year long wait. Long before it hit screens, I had a deep-seated feeling that it was going to be awful (I don't remember if it was Howard the Duck or Radio Land Murders that lead me to that conclusion). Then, I didn't see it until two weeks after its release because I was waiting for my Brother, J. David Orange, to return from Mazatlan (Of course, he ditched me and saw it on opening night while in Mexico). I had more than enough time to read all the scathing reviews. The people around me expressed great disdain with the thing, loathing it like it was bleach in the eyes. By this time, my expectations were way, way down. So, I went to see The Phantom Menace thinking it was going to be the worst experience ever. How can you not carry that idea into the theater when you've heard legitimate critics state, "Episode I has engaged in a gory, blood-soaked rape-orgy with our childhood memories."

Hell, I thought The Star Wars Christmas Special had done that years ago. Watch fifteen minutes of that eye-abrasive, and you won't want to look at anything Star Wars related for the next two years. I ended up really liking The Phantom Menace. My argument was; it held the same essence as those old Marvel Star Wars comics that came out around 1978. I dug watching Qui-Gon and Obi Wan's early adventures. I also liked how the thing went from one beat to the next without breathing; it was boom-boom-boom the whole ride. It never slowed down, and it was esthetically on par with the previous films. I guess I was one of the very few who truly liked it. So, with Episode II, I'm thinking, "It won't disappoint." There's no possible way it could be any worse than the first one. I'll probably love it, too. Then I saw the movie...

Hmm, this is very strange. I've never felt like this upon leaving a movie. Right now, I'll tell you that my only real disappointment with the film is that my brother couldn't be there with me, watching it a week early. Actually, I'm disappointed in myself. I wanted to know nothing about the film before seeing it, but learned little tidbits by glancing at the cards of certain action figures (Don't read the back of Yoda or Jar-Jar if you're trying to save yourself from spoilers. Trust me.). Then I glanced over the online reviews coming in at aintitcool.com, from the fans who'd already seen it.

Unanimously, they praised the picture. They said it incorporated the 'fun' aspect of the first three films, an element missing from Episode I. They said it 'felt' like Star Wars. They said it was on par with The Empire Strikes Back. They said it was possibly the best episode in the series. I'll go on record and back all of those statements up. It definitely is all of those things. I think I enjoyed it more than Empire; the story is more detailed and focused than any of the previous films, and it looks like nothing I've ever seen before. The whole time I was in a blurred dream state. There was nothing around me except those actions playing out on screen. I couldn't believe what I was watching, afraid I might wake up at any moment. And the end? Truly mind blowing.

But I'm still on the edge. Those online reviews failed to mention one fact: The first part of this movie is a f*cking train wreck. The opening is awful. It almost lost me. Nothing happens. I'm not talking about a lack of action. I'm talking about a lack of anything. The pacing is off, the air is empty, and the acting? There's this guy with a patch over his eye, I think his name is Captain Typhoo, or some such sh*t. His thespian skills are Grade Z at best. I've seen Dramatic Masters crawl out of the woodwork just to be in a no-budget, shot-on-video basement project that will never see the light of day. How in the Hell did this guy land his job? Is George Lucas blind to no talent bums? Typhoo's worse than Jar-Jar Binks.

A few minutes in, my heart started beating. I could feel my stomach drop, my face turning white. Fifteen minutes in, I was sweating the fact that I was going to loathe this picture. This was going to be my Episode I experience. If I'd only known; if I'd only been warned before hand that George was tricking us, fooling us into thinking we were watching a bad movie. After about twenty minutes, Lucas pulls the greatest cinematic three-sixty I've ever seen. Just when Episode II looks to be falling, it flings itself to the roof in one hard-core attempt to be the greatest Star Wars film ever. And it almost succeeds.

You can't dispute that fact, because it has, hands down, 'THE GREATEST SCENE IN FILM HISTORY, EVER.' I don't want to ruin it now, but fter you see Attack of the Clones, you'll know, without a doubt, which scene I'm talking about. I've thought long and hard about this. I can't come up with one other moment, in any other movie, that can compete with what we have here. At first, my body got all tingly. And then, as it progressed, I had a body orgasm unlike anything I've ever experienced. I about came out of my seat, too involved in the moment to even applaud. I literally sh*t my pants. This is the moment we, as Star Wars fans, have been waiting for. Ah, but if only we didn't have those first twenty-some minutes. Yet, tracking back to the beginning from the very end, what transpires in those opening moments is completely necessary to the story. It is needed; I just wasn't ready for it. Maybe if someone had warned me, like they'd warned me before seeing The Phantom Menace, I would have been prepared to accept the worst. Now, if you read this before you see the movie, you'll know not to get too panicky. You'll probably even come back and say, "Now, Orange, the first part of the movie wasn't that bad."

Sure, that's because you knew it was coming. I didn't.

Yoda owns this picture. From the moment he walks around that corner, and then the shibby blah-dah-blah hoo-sh*t, he's the man. He just tipped at being my all-time favorite character, and earned the most applause during Episode II. I'm not even going to complain about the fact that he's fully CGI'd, rather than a puppet. I loved the puppet, but if CGI means what we have here, then I'll take it. Obi Wan is only footsteps behind our Jedi master in being the best thing on-screen. Ewan McGregor perfectly captures the Ben Kenobi we've seen in the first three Star Wars films. His Alec Guinness impersonation is flawless. I liked watching him tool about the library, and then seeing him go to that weird dinner. Obi Wan being scolded by a schoolmarm is a hoot. It were as if I was watching a doc*mentary about Ben's day off, and his B story was a pitch-perfect balance to the Anakin-Padme love story thread. I bought the bulk of the plot; hook, line, and sinker.

Then there's Jar-Jar Binks. I've always been a fan of Jar-Jar. He is so Star Wars; it's not even funny. And nobody seems to recognize that fact. Maybe I identify with him a little too much. He's this jerky klutz who showed up to the greatest party ever, and he ruined the whole affair. Every body hated him, and he still can't catch a break. Hey, that's me to a T. Like Imperial Mantooth, who always invites me back to the next party no matter how badly I screwed up the last one, George Lucas has invited Ol' Binks back to his party, too. Jar's not in the movie too much, but he is in it more than you might think. And I cheered. Trust Lucas, Jar-Jar is here for a reason. He does something so incredibly stupid; it ruins everything for everybody from here on out. See, now you're cheering. Yeah, Jar-Jar! His character in Episode II has become a metaphor for the hatred fans threw towards him in Episode I. That's pretty cool.

The one thing that truly bothers me about these last two films is that neither one of them holds the same look as the first three. I can't quite get from the end of II to the beginning of IV. Episode III has a lot of time to make up for. The color palate and atmosphere is so completely askew, it just doesn't seem to fit. I guess that's because a computer has produced these new skylines, and they have a very dream-like feel that is absent from A New Hope, which looks junky and dirty. I know Lucas is shooting a lot of new scenes for Episode Four (and possibly Five and Six) so that the six films are interlocking. I'll have to see it before I believe it can work. The two sides just don't seem copacedic with each other. And the battle here makes any seen conflict between The Empire and The Rebel Alliance seem like slapping school children.

Then there's Anakin. At this stage, I don't quite understand the logic behind hiding Luke with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru on Tatooine. Anakin meets them in this movie; he knows his way around the planet, wouldn't this be one of the first places he'd look? Hopefully that will be explained in the next film. I also hope Lucas goes back to Empire and includes that scene from the Star Wars Tales comic book where Darth Vader finds C3PO's head after the droid is blown-up on Cloud City. He looks at 3PO, and recognizes him, and it's his first step to returning from the Darkside of the Force. I'd like to see that. I mean, he recognizes C3PO after ten years, he must be able to recognize him after thirty. It has to be why he gave the Droid back to the Wookie. Should I even bring up how sexy the two leads are? I'm not saying that Mark Hamil and Carrie Fisher aren't attractive people, but they don't look like this. I guess sexiness skips a generation. Ah, well...

I just wish this series were going the route of Lord of the Rings. I want to see "What happens next" right now. I don't want to wait three years, and I feel pretty much like I did when I was a little kid, waiting to see if Han gets out of that carbonite. It's painful. I do know that I'll probably go back to this film a dozen times before it's out of the theater. I'm already thinking about tracking down a bootleg. I did that last time, and watched it until I was sick. Hmm, I guess I was already sick if I watched The Phantom Menace that many times...

This one's worth it.