For a 4D experience like no other: bring child that is has a mild temper and likens to kicking things. in due course position child behind your seat to experience a rollicking good ride that will amply distract you from this warbling pile of crap!
So what is the film like....it's just head slappingly bad, awful, tear worthy, words of despair part your lips in-between screeches of sorrow and remorse and gritted teeth, grinding your teeth to sawdust, for the adherers to later on clear up, tut tutting. So what is it my verdict:
ATROCIOUS, AWFUL, DEGRADING, A MASSIVE FAILURE! The acting consists of cheesy dialogue announced like on a notice board by the two young and older leads, also to have annoying Ricky Gervais play an even more annoying dog makes you want to try and draw blood from your arteries by using the cinema ticket. 3D holds nothing but for a chance for us to have cheesy puffs come on out at us, also to tease that is Jessica Albas erect nipples...lord please make Sin City 2 in 3D- though including nipples, yes, yes, ahah, just an idea of something unattractively crude and lame and preposterous of just Jessica's erect nipples being flounced about for the duration of 90 minutes instead of having intercut sequences of annoying children is far worthy a watch! Scratch and Sniff makes you want a glass of water. Robert Rodriquez, why? Spy Kids 1-2 where actual worthy films, action packed- low budget but had scale, an emotional cue, of family, relatable family moments, great humorous moments. Since parenthood in the running you really have only translated what your children find funny- their dad wasting time making guilty pleasure trips to his office/ editing suite to perk them up due course to a nasty split between his wife/ co- founder of Troublemaker studios. I can see it.
CHILD: Daddy, you know you got to make love to Rose Mcgowen, and it just ended cruelly for you crying like a baby and editing her scenes out of Machete like a bitch.
Robert Rod: Well yes racer Max, a child of mine only interested in my career, who truly eggs me on to make sh*te like Shark Boy/ LAVA GIRL and Shorts, in which you star in and fail, but that okay cause daddy has nothing to lose but his status. Back to your question yes? Yes what you want
CHILD: Another child's film!
ROBERT: Okay but I will have to discard you on this one- make a proportional-ized film, that doesn't personally feature you and your dumb ideas which I previously aforementioned have followed due to you are the only one I have made with my loins who is interested in my career
Child: Fine with me (walks off snigg*ring) you will see (starts to say under breath) you will soon see my ideas are genuine, GENUINE! Your status will soon be mine!
Something like that, so this film sees two children have J. Alba as step mom, man wants time so he can visit himself again or his Dad, follow suit is the original Spy Kids, aged 40 and loving it.
This is a child's film, but also its a SPY KIDS film, it needs to hold something that was previously used in the original first two, innuendos, humour, crass, homage, here it's just sh*te sprinkled with a glittering sheen of unjustified lunacy. So budgetary looking, 27 million was on trying to make Alba's nipples pop, and to gain tv spots where they we're not wanted. So sorry people I jumped gun saying it deserves 3.5- I was just mutually defending Robert. R's respect, but no worries he's off to direct Sin City, then...MACHETE- which I come to realize is actually a pile of exploitative deliberately made sh*t- but a guilty pleasure! The exploitation in explicating and exploitat-ing sh*t!
This film is dull, boring, silly, child like, children with small mentalities will love it, but I had to scream with pure great will at a girl that reduced me to get thrown out in the last 5 minutes.
Girl turns to parents during end credits/ last scene: THIS FILM IS EPIC! (in reply)
I turn with frustration having heard giggles quips about possibly best film ever made throughout, with no music to block it out- the speakers namely for the music in the feature was not working-grunts-groans, screams
So I said, no yelled, no screeched shrilly sweating beads of ball sized sweat : POOR SAP YOU ARE, ARE YOU A REJECT! BLACK SWAN IS AN EPIC GEEZ EVEN HERAFTER SEEMS LIKE ITS AN EPIC THOUGH I WALKED OUT OF THAT! ARE YOU SERRIOUS? NO, NO DONT INTERUPT YOU BITCH! THIS IS SH*T BEYOND LEVELS!
I got a smack, for stating my opinion and shouting at a four year old girl.
Got kicked out
Thank you for nothing.....it was while credits started to roll (also the only moments of pure popping 3D-including the tease of the erected Alba nipples throughout)...wished I started in the middle set of the film!
Okay smart asses I didn't walk out as I wanted to review the sh*t out of this...um sh*t.
(Apologises for the rude language but this is repulsion beyond the levels of the repulsiveness of the repulsive guides to repulsively bad movies)