Simone: Review By B. Alan Orange

Code Orange Alert #38540: S1m-One

The above quote, ripped right out of press notes, says everything you need to know about this...Thing; this movie, this horrible waste of my time and yours. New Line obviously knew the wretched weight of S1M-ONE, which now rests firmly on their shoulders as the last official summer release. It's like some hung-over fecalphiliac squeezed one into his hand and then proceeded to scribble all over our theater screen. He did it as if he were the sole proprietor of the world's last brown crayon. It can't get any worse then this, folks. S1M-ONE marks the beginning of an inevitable thematic apocalypse. Close your eyes, count to five, and pray it doesn't last...

What? Is Movieweb trying to completely kill me off? In the most unloving fashion, they've continued to torture me with this persistent revolving door of cinematic eye cancer. I'm blinded by the light of the projector, and I can no longer stand. First, those bastards shoved me down that deep, whorish hole known as 'Slap Her, She's French'. Then, they kicked me awake and drug me through the rough terrain of this wretched beast. I still have dirt lodged under my tongue from the experience.

Now, I've been known to be mean to certain movies in the past, but it's usually just a jibbing punch of tough love. Not this time. How can I care for a film that jerks me out of bed, beats a plastic food tray over my head for a good two hours, and then expects me to not be annoyed in the slightest? I can't. It's an impossible task. This is not just the worst movie of 2002; it's the worst god-damned movie I've seen in the last three years. How can New Line, the coolest studio around these days, actually release this while they have the comedic masterpiece Run Ronnie Run locked in a vault somewhere without an immediate release date. That's pure stupidity; complete blasphemy on their part.

That S1M-ONE is seeing the light of day while Bob & David's opus sits in a can, unwatched, is a crime against the theater going public. I know; I've seen Ronnie. I'll go on record as saying that it's possibly the funniest movie since, at the very least, Something About Mary. It obviously can't be compared to Mary, because they're two very different films. But Ronnie is a laugh-packed riot that even outshines New Line's other recent release Goldmember. I never laugh in the theater. I can't do it. I'm a critic. With Ronnie, I was losing myself every two minutes, at the least. I know, so what? Who cares what I find funny. Well, I wasn't the only one on the floor. People, whom I shuck in taste, were right along with me, biting at every baited hook. You cannot deny its brilliance or its goofiness. The sad thing is; I would have paid to see Run Ronnie Run. More then three times in the theater. I watched it twice, back-to-back (I never do that), and a couple of times since then. I've missed jokes every time. I'm not the only one. I know a lot of people who have sought it out on their own. One thing I can tell you, we're all pretty unanimous in our decision to go see Ronnie Dobbs on his opening night. Bob & David deserve the respect and the credit; and the receipts. But New Line has already lost money in the fact that a lot of us won't be going back a second and third time because we've worn out our blury VHS copies. The longer they wait in releasing this obvious hit, the more money they're going to lose due to the spreading of bootlegs. Shame on them; look at all the cash they've spent promoting this palpable turkey. They could have taken the cost of Al Pacino's bottled water and put it into releasing Mr. Show's big screen debut. Ronnie contains more laughs in just its opening sequence, alone, then S1M-ONE contains in its whole 90 minute running time.

Who wants to watch another movie about the movies? Terror Firmer is the only one that's gotten it right as of late. Woody Allen's latest, Hollywood Ending, was a direct rip-off of that far superior Kaufman film. And not a single soul outside the industry seems to have enjoyed David Mamet's State & Main. This one, here, takes blatant jabs at our beloved actresses and actors, telling them, not us, that they'll soon be easily replaced and out of work. It might have been funny, yet we can't help but watch Winona Ryder, playing a Bizzaro-world version of herself, throw a tantrum, and then constantly think about the rest of the cast doing the exact same thing once they're off screen.

It was once humorous to scoff at a performer's odd, diva-like quirks, such as wanting no yellow M&Ms in their candy bowl. Now, as we sit watching Pacino dig cherry Mike & Ike's out of a dish, it all seems like some horrible cliche. I know a lot of you are going to write me, and chastise my judgment. You'll gleefully tell me I'm not intelligent enough to receive and understand such an intellectual farce. Sure. But that's wrong, and you know it. This isn't reality. This is a cartoon version of the studio system wrapped in golden hues. It bites the hand that feeds it in a spiteful manner, pissing all over itself in the process. Remember the movie Hero, with Dustin Hoffman and Geena Davis? Stink rose off of its feeble corpse like a birthright. This movie rolls about in the same cologne. It's wrapped in a blanket of unbelievability. It doesn't take place in our world. It takes place in the movie world. It takes place in Last Action Hero world. S1M-ONE is riding on a plane of such stupidity, you can't care for, or about, anything being shown on screen.

It's the simple fact that S1M-ONE takes place in this alternate universe that irks me so. Its narrative seems derived from the film industry's obvious fear of actual synthespians taking over the world as we know it; a notion first fully realized with Final Fantasy's seemingly photo-realistic cast. That movie took years to create, even after all the necessary software was established. Here, it takes just a couple of months for S1M-ONE's inventor to have her up and running. Then, it takes Al Pacino no time, what-so-ever, to manipulate her and have her moving about flawlessly. She's so assembled; he can even have her appearing live on the news, like a puppet. The film makers want us to believe that the actress playing S1M-ONE is actually computer animated. End credits tell us this is true, as do the press notes. But take a close look. She's as real as you are I, and she's played by a super model in the flesh named Rachael Roberts. This is a harsh gimmick, and I'm not buying it. We're not that advanced in our software yet, and it's a dumb joke. But I don't blame the mystery actress in question (aka Rachael Roberts). I wouldn't want this cruel reminder on my resume either.

Some might be fooled, but I'm not. They give away the gag too easily by telling us, in the movie, that S1M-ONE will do 'nudity'. Yet, we never see her nude. If she's not real, then why not let us see her computer generated sugar wallet? This sorry excuse for a film doesn't need to be rated PG-13. No one under the age of 37 is going to go see it. Slap an R on this baby and give us something to look at. Oh, you can't do that. Why, because your 'synthetic' actress actually doesn't do nudity. You bastards!

And another thing: Why do movies being made within a movie suck so bad? Take a look at what Pacino's cooking up here. No one, I don't care who's starring in them, is going to rush to either three of these films-within-a-film being ponied about here. I'm not buying that these are crowd pleasing, audience favorites. If it's at all possible, they look even worse than the actual film itself. We're shown crowds gathering, industry people knocking themselves over to get a glimpse of S1M-ONE. It doesn't fly on any basis of truth.

"I am Pig" seems to be this awful Art House favorite that generates a standing ovation. It's comparable to the worst thing you've probably ever seen, yet it's greeted with an overwhelming reception. Bull sh*t! Look at the last few great movies that have come rolling forth. I was at the premiere of A Beautiful Mind; it received a smattering of applause. The Fellowship of the Ring was tagged with heaps of yells and whistles, but no one stood. Hell, they didn't even stand when Yoda beat down ol' Count Dooku. I'm supposed to believe "I am Pig" is better than those that have come before it, simply because the actress is so great? Hell, Julia Roberts couldn't make the Mexican an over-night success; even with her added bonus of face-factor. It was still a flop. This new film is a wish, dreamed up by some lonely executive with delusions of grandeur. I know, folks; this is a farce. The fact that Pacino's films are bad, yet gain a strong audience, is supposed to be the joke. Well, I'm not laughing...

Let's look at a couple of other ugly moments of truth. S1M-ONE sings in concert, bringing the world together in peace and unity. Hmm, let's think about this for a moment. 1) After a crowd larger than any seen, ever, gathers to watch her perform live, she only sings one song. Who's going to stand for that kind of punishment? Wouldn't this kind of behavior insight a riot? 2) She doesn't sing her own song; she does a cover of a fairly new tune. 3) The song she chooses to sing, the song that unites the World, is Natural Woman. Please?This song makes even the gayest man's nuts shrivel up into two dried peas. There is no way, unless we're currently enveloped in Hell, that the song Natural Woman is going to invoke world peace.

Next, we have S1M-ONE's creator, played by Elias Koteas. In creating her, he has stared at his computer screen until it eats a cancer into his eye, leaving him to wear an eye patch. This disease kills the man before he can see his creation put to good use. Well, in honor of his memory, 'they', whoever they may be, put a picture of Koteas on his tombstone. And the picture shows him wearing the eye-patch. What? Now, if I died from eye cancer (which may be the case after viewing this), I wouldn't want 'them' putting a picture of me with the eye cancer on a tombstone, where I'll always be remembered. I'd want a picture of me with two eyeballs; disease free. Poor Elias...How the f*ck did he ever wind up in this mess. I'm mad at every mother fu...

"Stop! Stop!"

Oh, hello, Webmaster B. What's up?

"Brad, what in god's name are you doing?"

I'm doing that review of S1M-ONE you wanted me to write.

"This isn't a review. It's a verbal attack. Did the director kill your dog, or something? I mean, come on."

Dude, the movie's horrible.

"It can't be that bad. I've talked to some pretty legitimate sources, and they all seem to love it. After looking at your DVD collection last night, I have to question your ability to even be reviewing films for us."

What's wrong with my DVD collection?

"You bought and own Jack Frost 2? The New Guy? Crossroads and Monkeybone? That's just not right. Usually, I don't think too much about what you turn in to us. But lately, I've been getting all of these complaints about your blatant lack of talent. I decided to look into things myself. I went and saw 'Slap Her, She's French'. It's hilarious. And New Line; what have they ever done to you to cause you to treat their product with such little respect?"

They made me sit through S1M-ONE.

"This isn't a laughing matter, Brad. Your reviews have gotten really sloppy. I mean, why don't you at least take a course in writing? Or something? You don't even write at a community college level. You leave all these mistakes in your columns, and you don't ever proofread."

My work is flawless.

"No, it's not. You ramble all over the place. Heck, it's just a movie review. You can't even remain consistent in your narrative. Then you go publicly dispelling other people's work. You're a hypocrite."

Well, f*ck me.

"That's another thing. Your use of profanity is so unjustified. The F word doesn't equal humor. It equals a laziness for which there is no accounting for. I'm afraid we can no longer keep you on the payroll."

"What? You're firing me?"

Yup. You, B. Alan Orange, are officially terminated. Gone. There are no reprieves this time around. And you can forget about getting any back vacation pay.

"Great. First Bag ditches me, now you're ditching me too?"

That's the last we'll be hearing out of you, Mr. Orange.

"But?"

Hello, folks. Webmaster B., here. Sorry for the inconvenience, but we will be replacing our on-line critic. For the time being, I would just like to express to you how wonderful and hilarious the new film Simone is. It's a very clever look at the possibility of computer generated actors and their place in our society. It would be in your best interests to seek it out. Enjoy. I personally apologize for any stress or trauma Brad may have caused you. I hope that doesn't deter you from joining us next week, when we will have an all new critic in our midst. We promise he'll be more qualified, and have at least a community college degree.

Sincerely, your webmaster.