Safe House: Review By TheFury

Feb 11th, 2012 by TheFury
Denzel Washington - Tony Scott= No one Will Be Safe From A Lukewarm Movie
  • OVERALL
    1.5
    POOR
  • Story
  • Acting
  • Directing
  • Visuals
Listening to the Joe Hallenbeck's dialogue to a gun thug about sleeping with his wife, I fell in love with Tony Scott and found that he could do no wrong. Watching Denzel Washington go bat sh*t crazy and proclaiming that King Kong ain't got sh*t on him, I thought he was the most brilliant actor that ever lived. Now these two guys first hooked up in Crimson Tide, which I didn't see, but I did see Man on Fire, where Washington's character sticks a bomb up a guy's ass. My first thought was that this movie is awesome and these guys should always work together. And they did with Deja Vu, a fun thrilling ride. Then Taking of Pelham 123 made them unstoppable until Unstoppable came out and I was getting a little tired of this combination. Man oh man, Safe House is the result of me wishing for the wrong thing.

Man on a Ledge was the most forgettable, predictable, illogical massive bowl of sh*t movie. However, it was at least entertaining enough for me to forgive it for all of it's billions of problems and just sit down and enjoy, but Safe house offered nothing but a 'write as you go along plot', convoluted action scenes, and thee most up and down pacing seen less on a scratchy DVD.

The movie starts off with Denzel Washington, playing a rogue CIA agent, who is on the run from a bunch of unknown gunmen. He does a cool ass neck snap in a bathroom. From there, your thinking this guy is a big time, super agent bad ass, but after that fight, he is a total f*ck up. He leaves bread crumbs, gets in ridiculous risk taking events and doesn't check his surroundings. Anyway the gun thugs turn out to be too much for him to handle so he turns himself into the American Embassy. WOW, WHAT A WAY TO JUMP YOUR ASS FROM THE FIRE INTO STRAIGHT UP F*CKING HELL FIRE! IDIOT! My Goodness, die you stupid movie. Okay, so then we cut over to Ryan Reynolds, playing a safe house main operator, who wants to get out of guarding safe houses and move up into the Jason Bourne mode. Suddenly, Denzel is brought into Reynolds' safe house, with the T-1000 leading the extraction team. So they do a little torture to Denzel and the unknown gunmen return fully loaded.

And......................well I can't go any further with this sh*t. Just now this. The movie turns to sh*t once they leave the safe house. Seriously, it's a shame, with the catchy and humorous dialogue these two actors can perform in they're sleep, they could have used the entire safe house as the main setting, with Denzel and Reynolds taking out the gunmen. If anything it would have shown them to have some form of chemistry, which is absent from this. They never really get to know each other. Denzel's just like 'I won't kill you because your not a professional.' and 'Don't lock me in a trunk or I'll kick your ass.'. Reynold's like "Sit there, Get in the trunk, handcuff yourself, get out, get up, wipe your ass.' Sh*t man, where is the humorous small talk that these two guys can pull off. As far as the plot went, you didn't know what was really the purpose of this sh*tfest until like the last 15 minutes. Mostly every action scene was shot so close up that you couldn't tell who was winning. This movie needs a safe house to be locked, boarded, and sealed f*cking shut.

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Comments (33)

  1. kvp14

    @TheFury Why do you hate black people so much?

    3 months agoby @kvp14Flag

  2. TheFury

    @XxNickTheFilmCriticXx Boring.

    3 months agoby @TheFuryFlag

  3. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @TheFury -- Well, considering you don't acknowledge the @mention feature, yeah. For the second time, you've discarded my question.

    I wonder..

    3 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  4. TheFury

    Lol, wow, a reply to 2 week old comment. Really. Anyway, the Dude abides.

    3 months agoby @TheFuryFlag

  5. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @TheFury -- No lives? You do know we wrote this within an hour span at night, right? Ah, the ole' "mother's basement" insult. How old are you, again?

    3 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  6. TheFury

    Wow, Look at you idiots with no lives writing all these comments. Get a life. Get out of your mother's basement. And f*ck off.

    3 months agoby @TheFuryFlag

  7. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @ejk1 -- Well, yeah. Like I said, if the guy comes to his senses, we'll put this whole thing behind us and (try to) forget about it. If that includes deleting most of our comments, so be it.

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  8. ejk1

    @XxNickTheFilmCriticXx Um, delete?

    4 months agoby @ejk1Flag

  9. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @corey -- Don't you love how we're boosting his review comments and allowing ourselves to advance on the most active users section, only to wind up deleting a lot, if not all, of these comments?

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  10. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @ejk1 -- Of course.

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  11. ejk1

    @XxNickTheFilmCriticXx "I'm sure if he really puts his mind to it, his reviews will be good."

    Assuming he has a mind, you mean.

    4 months agoby @ejk1Flag

  12. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @corey -- Indeed.

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  13. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @ejk1 -- Hey, now. I'm sure if he really puts his mind to it, his reviews will be good. This one isn't half bad, but it resembles a rant.

    You should read the reviews I wrote when I was 12 or so. ;P -- they included no swear words, but they lasted a couple of sentences, if that.

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  14. Corey

    @ejk1 That's what I figured. lol

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  15. ejk1

    @corey the first one.

    4 months agoby @ejk1Flag

  16. Corey

    @ejk1 Wait, do you disagree as in you'd never want to read something from Fury or thats not what will make someone want to read his works?

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  17. ejk1

    @corey "I can almost promise you that you'll write something someone actually wants to read."

    I disagree.

    4 months agoby @ejk1Flag

  18. Corey

    @XxNickTheFilmCriticXx haha, yeah I know. It's all a waiting game now. Worse comes to worse, @corey faces yet another foe in the land of Movieweb.

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  19. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @corey -- Ha, yeah. Let's hope he does the same on those reviews of yours. I was appalled that he went to the extent of even thumbing down your reviews, what the hell? Well, let's hope doesn't blow anymore steam and comes to his senses. If so, I'll delete a couple of my comments concerning this matter.

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  20. Corey

    @XxNickTheFilmCriticXx If he responds in a mature manner I'll be more than happy to delete all my comments on this review and let this pass. Seriously, I meant no battle on MW over one act of criticism. lol

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  21. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @corey -- I know that. I can see why you would say that, but I only counted ten swear words. It wasn't a lot, but it was arguably unnecessary, because it made it seem more like a rant than an actual review. I completely agree with your the end of your first-paragraph, though.

    Oh, definitely. Again, I agree. It really is, especially over a matter like this.

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  22. Corey

    @XxNickTheFilmCriticXx I wasn't by any means trying to start a rivalry here with @TheFury. I was just kindly trying to give him some advice that swearing constantly doesn't make an attractive review. If he wants people to come back and continue to read his stuff then he should learn what lines he should and shouldn't cross. No one wants to read constant language in every sentence when trying to gain some movie-info.

    Sorry for insulting your review @TheFury. I don't think I should be the only one apologizing though. You thumbing my reviews down and calling them sh*tty is the way a child retaliates.

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  23. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @TheFury -- What does 3.5/5 mean to you, then? I'd also like to ask what do you intend on accomplishing by trashing Corey's reviews? Not only are they far from sh*tty, but you're blowing this out of proportions. I would remove those comments, especially considering that a lot of people read his reviews. You could get flagged, and I don't think the result will be a good one.

    How old are you? I'm sure you're above the age of thirteen, correct? If so, can we handle this like the mature guys that we are and settle the discussion once and for all. That doesn't include trashing each others reviews, either.

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  24. TheFury

    Well, obviously 3.5 doesn't mean the same to you as it does to me. The Fury abides.

    4 months agoby @TheFuryFlag

  25. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @TheFury -- Ah, all right. I'm a little puzzled about how you rate movies. Now hear me out - you gave "Man Of A Ledge" 3.5/5, even though you said it was a "sh*t" movie that managed to entertain you. 3.5 would represent 7/10, which would range from good, to really good. Are you telling me that you rate movies that high just from the fact that they entertained you?

    4 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  26. Corey

    "Man on a Ledge was the most forgettable, predictable, illogical massive bowl of sh*t movie."---If it were a "bowl of sh*t" then why would you give it 3.5 stars? You make absolutely no sense.

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  27. Corey

    Take that into consideration the next time you see a bad movie...or just want to review something in general.

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  28. Corey

    @TheFury Yes, I'm an idiot because the point you were trying to make sucked. My apologies.

    Are you always this angry when you type something? Maybe you should calm down a bit and then write a review. Take a night to sleep away the anger and I can almost promise you that you'll write something someone actually wants to read.

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag

  29. TheFury

    @corey obviously a f*cking moron like yourself can only understand bad language, because then you would miss out on my point of Man on a ledge having some form of entertainment. But then again you are an idiot.

    4 months agoby @TheFuryFlag

  30. Corey

    You speak sh*t about Man on a Ledge yet you gave it 3.5 stars. This review is all over the place. I respect your opinion on not liking Safe House but I wish you had more than just bashing the film with constant swearing to back up your opinion.

    4 months agoby @coreyFlag