Out Cold: Review By B. Alan Orange

Code Orange Alert #38647: Out Cold

The Bionic Man buys out a mountain town in Alaska, pissing off the locals. It's Shunned Kevin Smith accolade Jeremy London to the rescue! Funny, I thought a "sex comedy" was supposed to have some sex in it. Must suck to be an adolescent these days. Back when I was a kid, this thing was called Hot Dog: The Movie, and its firm R rating held the promise of naked titti*s and the occasional peach-crease peek-a-boo. Look what's happened in fifteen years. They've abolished that rule. Why else would one want to sit through this? For the comedy? Oh, No!

We need our naked girls back, damn it! Playboy Playmate Victoria Silvstedt isn't going to cut it on her own, dressed in a thick snow suit. Not when she teases with top-removal only to have the camera cut away at that last crucial glimpse of something special. Sure, the trailer tried to trick us: It gave us a much-wanted scene of Pigpen in a mountain trolley trapped with the Swedish Bikini team. He tells those sweet cheeky models to take off their bras, because they're going to use them to escape. A fist went down in appreciation; finally someone was bringing back the soft-core tah-tah flicks ala Porky's. Nope. Not with that PG-13 menace sticking out like a sore thumb in the far left corner of the poster.

Those c*ck teasing bastards: They are robbing our youth their rite of passage. In the 80s, even the most legitimate film had a couple of nice T&A shots buried deep inside its flesh. Consider that a by-gone decade. The Swedish Bikini team, here, appears in a dream, and if a man doesn't even get to see one nipple in his dream, then f*ck it. I'm gone.

Out Cold cares more about snowboarding than it does chicks. That's not right. Why sit through a few lame skits to get a nice aerial shot when you can go rent any number of videotapes catering to the subject? I know why. To see some bush! Instead of blowjobs we get snowjobs: A ridiculous pay-off. The snowboarding in this junked-up celluloid isn't all that great, at first coming like a serial killer trying to keep the kill count up. Soon enough (about midway through), the occupants forget they're even on a mountain. Instead, OC turns toward a tired color-by-numbers plot featuring a rich resort baron intent on renovating the landscape. Does anyone really care? I don't. At least they didn't go for the Slalom Run crossing of the finish line theme apparent in most sports movies.

Hooray! Now get outta my face.

London should be ashamed of himself. There's only one girl in this sad excuse for a mountain town, and he's cast her aside. What an ass. This girl isn't exactly the hottest creature to crawl out of the woods, but she's got the slut-eye going like there's no tomorrow. I wanted to crawl up and kick his teeth in. No wonder Smith failed to invite his sorry sh*t-f*ck attitude back to the Jay & Silent Bob movie.

Yeah, there's a catch. He's holding out for his lost love, who's engaged to a wheelchair-bound Doctorial Jet pilot. London must have missed out on the in-land movie scene. Can't he see he's trapped in a lunchbox concept? I'd know to go for the girl pining next door. He should too. Instead, I have to watch him make that poor little tart suffer for an hour and twenty minutes. If he'd just gone in the house for his biannual hook-up, we could have cut to the chase and saved more time for X-treme sports.

Nope, this wants to be the one. Yeah, it wants to make us suffer.

Going back to those skin-toned flicks of yesteryear, I realize this is a much glossier work in progress. It also has better skiing. But where's the funny? If you're not going to up the ante, don't ask for that extra dollar at the box office. This is 2001. Why are we constantly moving backwards in relation to theatrical structure? I'm not asking for Shakespeare; just something new. Black Knight and Out Cold could have been made twenty years ago. No one would have known the difference. Kids today are dumb. They'll eat this up like Grape Tang sprinkled on Cantaloupe ice cream. I'm more likely to spit it out.

It's too short to do any real damage, but it still hurts. And it hurts because we're denied the red areola. No skin, save for an old man's ass. There are a lot of segments obviously cut-out and saved for the unrated DVD. Those just might make this sad little sh*t-turd worth the effort. I noticed, after Pigpen gets through humping a bench, that there is an abrupt cut with London eyeing the man's unseen crotch. Could it be we have another censored visual joke dealing with THE WET SPOT? The Wet Spot was cut out of Scary Movie, and never made available on the supplemental section of the disc. Hmm. Interesting that this has failed to make it past the MPAA twice. Wonder if it will ever fall through the cracks.

When I saw Not Another Teen Movie, there was plenty of T&A for ten of these flicks. At the time, it had yet to be rated. I'm hoping they haven't wussed out and gone the PG-13 route with that one. That would suck. Give into the R, movie people. Kids need to learn how to sneak into a no-no picture with gleeful abandon. There's never going to be anything for them to hide in the bedroom and watch on Showtime. No other feeling compares to sneaking a peek at something you know you shouldn't when you're a kid. That idea is being taken away from our youth. This is lame. And that's really all I can say about that. Except...

Where the f*ck's Alaska?

(film numerology)

The movie's fate as told by numerology: Out Cold's distribution number: 38647 indicates that the film is unsure of itself. It wants to be one thing while presenting itself as another. Its low self-esteem issues will keep a larger audience at bay. According to the film's release date, 11-21-2001, its fate, Like Spy Game and Black Knight, is uncertain. A core audience of Snowboard enthusiasts will seek this out, but its generalized nature may keep others away. The film's attendance record depends on those older kids shying away from the Harry Potter scene. When we combine the date with the distribution number, we see that Out Cold will appeal to a feminine mind-set, organized in harmonic balance. Because of its generalized by-the-numbers plotting, it will ultimately fail to reach its intended goal.