Ninja Assassin: Review By B. Alan Orange

You’ve got to know dumb fun when it comes. And this is some of the dumbest, funnest Technicolor carnage we’ve see this year. There are two types of people in this world. Those that died their pillow cases black, slit a vertical eye hole in them, and then hid in the woods with a handful of throwing stars, loudly pontificating the awesomeness of Sho Kosugi with their best friend who was hunkered down in a nearby ditch also wearing black pajamas. And then those that didn’t. This is definitely not for that second group of people. It’s a loving tribute to Sho’s original ninja trilogy from the 80s (which includes Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and Ninja III: The Domination). And it even acts as the long lost fourth chapter of that MIA franchise, giving Sho the ultimate climatic beat down against a gutted, rain-soaked Asian pop star. Its an amazing fight that had one old black man screaming, “Oh, Sh*t!” Sixteen times in a row.

So far, Ninja Assassin has been harangued in blog posts and advanced Internet reviews. After watching the film myself, I have to wonder, “Why?” It’s a lively bucket of gore that doesn’t pander to a younger audience. It has two classic fight sequences that had me wanting to rewatch the film immediately after it was over. And an epic opening prologue packed with more gory dismemberment than any film released this past Halloween. Starring Korean Pop sensation Rain, Ninja Assassin could have easily gone down the wrong path. Earlier this year, we were slapped in the face with both Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li and Dragonball Evolution, two chopsocky sh*t fests that pissed all over the faces of their collective fanbase. At first glance, it seemed Ninja Assassin was aligning itself with these kid-friendly, cheese-tastic attempts at rejuvenating the Kung Fu Theater aesthetic. Nope. It doesn’t travel in that curtailed pack at all.

Director James McTeigue, best known for V for Vendetta, gleefully and willingly locks Ninja Assassin within the new hyper-violent genre that begot both Rambo VI and last year’s Punisher: War Zone. Characters treat the human body with loving disrespect. They stop short of tearing off sex organs with their teeth in full view of the audience. Those obsessed with Ninja weapons as a kid will get to see them slice and dice flesh in every way imaginable. Shuriken are lobed at an alarming rate, fired from fingers like a Gatling gun. Limbs are severed and fly aimlessly about the screen. Heads are sliced in two for a gloriously gruesome look at flailing tongues, and brain, and bone. McTeigue gets away with it by turning his geysers of blood an Anime flavor of cherry red. The film’s copious amounts of gelatinous goo is spritzed about in a CG animated fashion that renders every moment hyper-realistic. For the most part, its cartoon violence. Though done in a gritty, realistic way. Its one of the main complaints about the film. Fanboys hate computer generated plasma and hemoglobin. They seem to miss the fact that had James taken a more pragmatic approach to the bright hues of his viscera; we’d be looking at an X rated whiff of WTF that would be on permanent cinematic lockdown until its inevitable home video release.

While CGI has ruined our cinematic achievements in practical special effects, it actually works with the theme and tone being presented here. The action is astute and kinetic. Anyone that fell in love with Sho Kosugi’s films will be beside themselves throughout the intense running time of this non-stop kicker (it clocks in at an hour and forty minutes but feels more like sixty). They’ll want to run home, pull on a pillowcase of their own, and take to the woods behind the house with a sword fashioned out of a broomstick or a fork tied to a bike chain. It has that tree fort sort of energy coursing through its crispy burnt-black veins. Those complaining about the film have forgotten how to have fun with a mindless genre flick. Especially one this entertaining. Sure, we can pick on it for not having much of a storyline. So what? I don’t ever recall flopping myself down in front of Black Belt Theater on a Saturday afternoon hoping to be enlightened with a rugged tale of bombastic relevance. I woke up early for all those Crane kicks and sucker punches that made them worthwhile endeavors. Ninja Assassin has more than enough action to satiate this need for fisticuffs. Its non-stop brutality from the word go. The ninjas never stop attacking, and Rain never stops fighting them back. That, motherf*cker, is what I came for. And it’s exceptionally well done. If I want story and substance, I will go next door and watch George Clooney battle his existential crisis in Up in the Air.

One semi-legitimate gripe aimed at the film is that it’s too dark. Which has me scratching my head. These are ninjas. They arrive in the shadows, and attack at night after chewing through the power cords outside your house. They fight in the pitch-black recesses of any given environment. Of course some of the film is going to be “too dark”. McTeigue actually does a nice job of pulling the ninjas into the light so we can see them, which must have been logistically tough to figure out in keeping with the ninja clan’s own stated mantra. There’s even one scene that seems to have been digitally brightened due to complaints from advanced test audiences. This works to the film’s advantage, as it blows out the sharp contracts of the ninjas’ dank surroundings, giving it even more of an Anime feel.

This is an origin film of sorts, and it works in setting up Rain’s Raizo, a rogue ninja that has turned on his clan of assassins. An orphan kidnapped at a tender young age by Ninja Master Ozunu (Sho Kosugi), Raizo is mercifully tortured and beaten into a fight club maestro that is capable of destroying ten ninjas at once with his trusty biker chain fastened to a tilling blade. Ozunu fills Raizo’s first couple of years with teeth cringing pain, whipping the soles of his feet into a bloody mashed potato mess, and twisting his innards into a bruised purple collection of hardening organs capable of sustaining any harsh blow thrown his way later in life. Raizo believes that he has no heart, but a young orphaned girl shows him that love can bloom in the most wretched of landscapes. After she has her fleshy chest ripped open by way of ninja sword for running away from the camp, Raizo takes it upon himself to clean house and seek his revenge. The young girl’s soul seeps into his weapon of choice, and together they go on a limb-severing spree that outshines anything Jason Voorhees has done of late.

The rest of the movie revolves around a pair of Europol agents (Naomie Harris and Ben Miles) investigating a series of assassinations that seem to point to Ninjas. Yes, our government officials are employing these wisps of black smoke and the world needs to know about it! Damn it! Well, as soon as Ozunu gets wind of this, he sends his pajama-clad army in to eliminate the noise. Thus, Raizo is forced to go into battle and save our Europol agents. This all leads to one amazing warehouse battle, followed by the best ninja-in-traffic action sequence ever rendered for any movie. When Raizo gets captured, his stomach wound gaping like a bloody mouth full of scrapple, we anticipate a slow down of events. Nope. Our boy’s learned to heal himself. Soon, he is locked in battle with the disappearing and reappearing Ozunu, who BAMFs in and out of a room like the X-men’s own Nightcrawler. All the while, Naomie and Ben have arrived with tanks, machine guns, and rocket launchers to tear up the Ozunu Clan dojo real good. The end has now reduced you a little kid again, pumping your fists and wishing for a pocket full of throwing stars and a backpack full of good ol’ fashion Cannon VHS tapes.

This is not a movie for everyone. If you played Ninja in your backyard, or worshipped at the feet of Sho Kosugi in the 80s, you’ll dig the sh*t out of Ninja Assassin. If you like gory violence, you’ll cry, “F*ck yeah!” more times than you can count on two hands. If you’ve come looking for a story as inspired and beautifully rendered as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, you might want to stay at home and watch that ancient love story one more time. Ninja Assassin? It gets a hollered “Whoop-doo!” from me. But then again, I am a sucker for this stuff.

(All of B. Alan Orange’s reviews are based on the Boo! or Whoop-doo! evaluation system.)