Max Payne: Review By Comrade

I love playing video games just as much as i love watching movies. Max Payne was the first game i got on my Playstation 2. I, absolutely, love it. The game play was great and the story was just amazingly developed. When i finished this game, i said to myself, 'they need to make a movie of this'. Although, I should've known to be careful what you wish for.

Man, I thought after Hitman, there could be no more video game adaptations that were atrocious; well, i was wrong. I wasn't really feeling the movie from the beginning. I like Mark Wahlberg, but as Max Payne, come on now. I knew that would never work. My fingers were crossed that James Franco would get the part. Then, i saw the trailer, and i changed my mind. This sh*t was looking pretty good.

Okay, just a little recap for people who haven't seen this and know nothing about Max Payne. Max is a New York detective, trying to live the cop life, while developing a family with his wife and new born baby. One day, after this guy gets off, he comes home, checks the mail, and suddenly, looks up and sees some weird ass graffiti on his wall. He pulls his gun out, which is what i would do if some motherf*cker drew all over my expensive wall paper. Calls for his wife and gets no answer. Walks up stairs and bad guys start popping out. He kills them all but not before they got to his wife. After that, the guy goes undercover to find just what the hell it was all about. Basically, it's a revenge story.

The movie version's a little different, but it has a great story; i mean that's the only good thing i can say about this movie is that the story was well done. And you ask how could they f*ck this up? Well, here's three reasons: boring dialogue, crappy ass action scenes, and poor, poor acting. I gave this film 0 stars, but that's not even close to how i feel about this. This movie is like negative 100 stars. To be honest, the director and company's greed for money, in making this a pg-13 film, is one of the biggest problems i had with this. Why on earth would you make revenge movie with a Pg-13 rating? This movie should have taken after Rambo with the blood and guts effect.

Well, like i said already, Mark Wahlberg does a terrible Max Payne. He didn't even look like he was into this sh*t, which offended me. Just because the movie's based off of a video game doesn't mean you have to act like it's a game. I can't believe this is the same best supporting nominated actor; i thought he would be bad but not this bad. Sh*t is repulsive. Can someone do me a favor? Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top kill Mila Kunis. The most annoying bitch on the planet is playing the cool ass chick, Mona Sax. The only thing this bitch does well is the voice over for Meg in Family Guy. Will someone tell me what happened to Chris O'Donnell? I mean he's the only reason why i still watch Batman forever. Now, that man just doesn't give a f*ck about how he looks. He looks like a overweight reject from a Spider Man audition, which i bet he tried out for. Alright, now before i joined this website, i never looked up like for sneak peaks of movies or special featurettes before a movie came out. I just see the trailer on tv and decide whether or not to see it. Now, all that's changed. You know why? Because of the motherf*ckin Ludacris. I swear if someone told me that guy was going to play Jim Bravura in this, i would have never seen this. Now, i did see him in the trailer i watched on television, but i didn't think he was going to play Bravura. I just thought he was going to be one those schizophrenic, crackhead freaks that shake up in the corner. Ludacris playing Jim Bravura......What the f*ck. This movie can't get any worse...oh wait it does.

How did they get angels out of this story? Can someone tell me that? Why? Can you spot a moment in the game where you saw an angel stalking someone? Yes, the flesh of fallen angels, fear that give men wings, references of angels from the game, but that doesn't mean to put some goddamn angels in your movie, man. What the hell are these guys doing? I saw so many angels in this movie, i was waiting for Nic Cage and Meg Ryan to pop out somewhere. F*cking Bizarre.

Something good, something good...mmmmmmmmmmm. Oh, the guy playing Lupino was good, but they even f*cked that up. Lupino was just easily thrown away in this. In the game, it took like 5 billion shots to kill this motherf*cker, but here, all they did was pop this guy once and he's dead. Every opportunity they had to make this movie good, they, deliberately, which is how it seems to me, f*cked this up to the last bit. If you haven't got my message already, let me say it plain and simple. Don't GO SEE THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE. DON'T BUY THE DVD. DON'T RENT THIS. NO, GO AHEAD AND RENT IT. AFTER YOU WATCHED AND FIND IT TO BE JUNK. GET SOME NEWSPAPERS AND LAY IT ACROSS THE FLOOR. PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SH*T ON IT. TAKE A NICE, BIG ASS DUMP.GET SOME GLOVES. TAKE THE SH*TTY DISK. PUT IT IN A ZIPLOC BAG. SEAL IT UP. PUT IT IN AN ENVELOPE. A NICE THICK ONE. AND MAIL IT TO JOHN MOORE.