Jason X: Review By B. Alan Orange

Code Orange Alert #37856: Jason X (Friday the 13th Part 10: Jason in Space)

The other day, a girl told me I was, "Better looking than Stephen Hawkins." Then she caught a glimpse of my '94 Tercel specked in ghettoflage and retorted, "But he has better wheels." I wanted to kill her.

I don't know why I'm so angry; I guess I'm growing disenfranchised with the human race. I don't want to know most of you. I guess that's why I envy a guy like Jason Voorhees. Mr. J-Vo and I have a lot in common; we hit on a similar wavelength. Like The Orange, Jason just doesn't have the patience for dumb idiots who sing along to Creed and proclaim an affection for M*A*S*H*. But, and here's the disappointment that ruins my day, where I have to sit and look complacent and unnerved with these people, Jason gets to grab his machete and start hacking. The man will do away with your kidneys before slicing into tender brain tissue, and never have a second thought about his actions. I love him, and live vicariously through him. There's no wonder why he keeps his head down, silent; his only ambition is to paint the four walls of any given room with your blood. People suck. Jason Voorhees is one of the few and the proud who can get through this super lame party with his dignity intact. A true American hero, the man has been gone for far too long. Nine years, to be exact.

Maybe I'm the only one who cares? Still, I champion his return in Jason X. Odd, though, that he'd step out of the Friday spotlight to partake in this super cool sequel to that old Spike Lee movie. This epilogue centers on Malcolm's lesser known, violence prone (type casting, anyone?) brother. Wait...

That's not right. Actually, this is the tenth episode of an old 80s slasher franchise. Penny Marshall attempted to remake these films as a 'funny' (I use that term lightly) Tom Hanks vehicle back in '88. Big saw a child into the body of a goofy, albeit 'normal', man. Instead of impaling a guy in the chest with a fishing harpoon, Hanks resorted to jumping around on a floor piano and having sex with Elizabeth 'Wilma' Perkins. But it was basically the same movie, and it stuck to the same Friday the 13th esthetic. Big was a toned down facsimile of the Voorhees legend, except that Jason was a retarded kid who found himself in the body of a stunt man. It's not hard to see why the Marshal film failed to produce a follow up, yet Sean Cunningham's masterwork has kicked out more sequels than any other series in film history. Nightmare and Halloween are at 7, respectively. And Halloween 8 is coming our way this August.

Speaking of history, I'll go through this with you because people seem to find it fun and interesting. I guess they've forgotten the legend. I'll throw out a brief overview so you don't go into number ten feeling cold and alone. (There was a couple sitting behind me, and the guy actually turned to his girl and asked, "You do know what Camp Crystal Lake is, don't you?" and she said, "No. I don't get it.") First off, Jason didn't kill anyone in the first Friday, he only had a 20 second cameo which may, or may not, have been a dream. Mrs. Voorhees, Jason's mom, murdered all those camp counselors that hot, wet summer. Why? Because she felt they were neglectful in letting her little retarded baby drown. In Part 2, Jason's infantile, mongoloid body appears as a hefty, full-grown man in dated overalls. He climbs out of Crystal Lake to avenge the beheading of his mother and to exact revenge on more camp counselors. This time out, he wears a feedbag on his head. Part 3 was in 3-D, and this is where Jason first dons his Hockey Mask. He steals it from a self-loathing fat guy who likes to pull unfunny pranks in order to feel better about himself. Jason gets himself hung from a barn rafter at the end of this one.

That doesn't stop him from coming back in Part 4: The Final Chapter, which boasts not only the best chase sequence in any of the Friday films, but also stars Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman. Feldman is Tommy Jarvis, and in an attempt to end the series, Jarvis nails Jason in the head with his machete and kills him. Part 5: A New Beginning centers more on the Jarvis character (played by someone other than Feldman, except for a quick cameo flashback) and his hardships at a mental institute; the film acts as a strange predecessor to Girl, Interrupted. Much like Halloween 3, which had nothing to do with the Michael Myers myth, Jason is strangely absent from this film. Sure, there's some wannabe running around with a hockey mask on his face, but he ain't our man. Fans hated it.

So, in Part 6, Tommy Jarvis (now being played by super cool Clu Gulager from Return of the Living Dead) and Horseshack (no sh*t) dig up Jason to make sure he's dead and buried in his grave. They accidentally bring him back to life via electricity, hence, Alice Cooper's Teenage Frankenstein theme song being on the soundtrack. Voorhees is once again drowned, then has his face eaten by a boat propeller, and finally, he is chained to the bottom of Crystal Lake. Part 7 is The New Blood, which pits Jason against his niece, a girl endowed with ESP. They battle it out telekinesis-style, and Jason is once again defeated but not destroyed.

Part 8 finds Voorhees on an ocean liner with a bunch of kids, and he eventually finds his way to New York (which looks susp*ciously like Canada). Now this is where the legend starts to get a little hazy. Sure, after eight films, there were some inconsistencies, but at the end of Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason shrinks back into a child and floats away in the sewer. Huh? This doesn't make any sense, and Paramount loses the franchise. It is given over to New Line, and they decide to do something different with the material.

Part 9 claims that Jason Goes to Hell. Like The Final Chapter, this is supposed to be the end of the series. And they do a good job of making us not want to see it again. Jason's hardly in the film, his spirit floating from one person to the next just like in Denzel Washington's Fallen. The only highlight is the end, where Jason's mask hits the ground, and Freddy's glove comes up, pulling it back underneath. This alludes to what was supposed to be the next film: Jason vs. Freddy (or Freddy vs. Jason, depending on your personal stance). That film got caught up in pre-production Hell, and has since only recently been green-lit for actual production. We're suppose to see it next year...

Fingers crossed...

But first, we have this, big number ten, after so many years. Honestly, from the heart, I'd have to say this is the best in the series. It looks great, coming with substance and detail unmatched by any of the previous Fridays. The production value here is on a paradisiacal level, unlike anything seen before it in this series. Yet, with film technology at its current state of grace, that wasn't the impossible task. Even with its atmospheric beauty, the thing could have still been awful. That wouldn't have mattered to me; I would have liked it either way. I just enjoy watching Jason meander about, stabbing people. It keeps me content. And sure, that's half this film as it stands. But Director Jim Isaac has made it three times the fun.

X exhilarates the chest cavity in ravishing beats. Inevitably, there are a few throwaway kills, but a majority of our manslaughter has been well thought through with a unique vision. Jason takes human defacement and turns it into an art form. It's as if he's a key musician and every one of his kills is a hit single off some new CD. He's the Michael Jackson of slash and this is his Thriller. These methods of mutilation evoke uproariously inappropriate, though enthusiastic, cheers from the audience. At once, X is everything we love about the series; it's also fresh and watchable in its newborn ebullience. Part 4: The Final Chapter used to be my favorite, but after I see 10 a second time, I'm sure I'll be crowning this one champ. Jason X is one for the fans, and it truly makes up for Part 9: Pure and True. If you're a passing enthusiast, you're sure to have a good time. But, if you're like the girl behind me, who had no clue where, or what, Camp Crystal Lake was, you might want to stay home.

This time out, Jason is in space. That concept failed to float the Leprechaun, and ate into Pinhead's good time during Hellraiser 4. Luckily, X saves the idea and gives new life to our contemporary monsters being amongst the stars. The film plays like a weird hybrid of Alien, giving the notion a recognizable face (or rather, mask). It's no accident that the last victim to go against Jason looks a lot like The Predator in his spacesuit. Isaac doesn't hide his influences, opting to gleefully wink at them with a smile. 10 could be a superior remake of Jason Takes Manhattan. Part 8, which was 'supposed' to be Voorhees in New York, was mostly Voorhees stumbling around an ocean liner offing kids on their vacation. Jason X is exactly the same, only this ocean liner is cruising multiple galaxies, hopping back and forth between Earth I and Earth II. The only difference is: As soon as he gets off the ship, there is no New York. The movie just stops with him hitting soil, leaving everything open-ended and up in the air for Part 11. If the next one is half as good as this, I'm all for it.

I want it bad. I, personally, hope this franchise never dies (even though some skeptics claimed, upon exit of the theater, that, "They've taken it as far as it can go." I disagree).

The best thing is that Jason hasn't changed a bit. He's just as bitter and unapproachable as ever. To cover their ass a little, the opening credits seem to float in a fiery, greasy Hell. This just happens to be Jason's subconscious; a good lead-in that explains away the "Goes to Hell" faux pas from Part 9. Soon enough, Jay's up and around, breaking chains and throwing lead pipes through ribcages. Even Director David Cronenberg takes a lickin' in an inspired cameo. Our core female protagonist freezes Jason, and in the process, inadvertently freezes herself. The two of them are found some 400 years later and defrosted. You don't need to know much more than that.

Poor Jason, he goes into a sub-zero coma for a couple of centuries and wakes to find that people haven't changed at all. They're all still a bunch of idiot sh*t-f*cks. Jason, ever the fifth wheel, quickly thaws while listening to every possible couple engage in sexual activities on the spaceship. He can hear them through the wall, and this sets him off right off the bat. It's been 400 years, and he knows he's not going to be getting any here, either. Still, he has to listen to others getting it on in the next room. Lets just say that happy loving couples are no friends of his, or mine, and he goes to great lengths in taking out my own aggressions for me.

The movie sports some smile-inducing one-liners in one clever set-up after the next. I wasn't sure I liked Uber-Jason's (Jason after he becomes endowed with robot parts) look, but it quickly grew on me. This nine-year wait for part 10 has been long, but well worth it. I'm still jazzed about the whole sweaty affair days after seeing it, and can't wait to see it again and again after that. Here's another winner in this year's run at the box office. I knew it was going to be a good one. And, as an added bonus, as if they'd done it just for me, knowing my taste in girls, the casting director has tossed a couple of hot chicks into this mix. I'd give my own life to watch Lexa Doig and Melyssa Ade together in a room, naked, sharing a dilly bar. Now that, and Jason X, are what I call entertainment.

And you trust me as a movie critic, ha. I think you're the dumb one, buddy.

What is it with lead-based paint?