Haywire: Review By TheStonedReviewer

A very bizarre puzzler of a film; Ok, watching it, it made no sense, looking back on it I still can't get my head around the 'plot', so here goes... Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) is an agent of some kind hired by some sort of governmental agency. The film starts with Mallory sitting in a diner, Channing Tatum joins her. They talk cool smooth talk for 2 minutes while jazz music plays in the background before Mallory flips out and rips him a new one. She drags a witness (Michael Angarano) into her car before speeding off. Then, pretty much the rest of the film, consists of Mallory telling the now hostage about all the times she's talked cool smooth with people, while jazz plays in the background before flipping out on them and kicking their asses.

Now I might have disliked the film a great deal but I must stress Carano's performance as Mallory is actually pretty good for someone who has never really acted on a film set, considering she is surrounded by the very best of Hollywood actors. In fact, she is actually better than any of her fellow cast who frankly are not needed, or shouldn't be on the poster. You want to know what Antonio Banderas does for his pay check. He grows a beard, and then shaves it, I'm not sure his beard is even real.

Critics are raving about Haywire, audiences are panning it, the reason for this is Haywire is your perfect example of style over substance. Essentially it is stylistic, but there is nothing to bite into. It's dressed as this stylistic action flick, but if you look a little deeper, there's actually not much going for it.

Honestly I was truly lost, 80 minutes of stuff I sat through. The stuff was cut up into bits; there was the Michael Fassbender bit, he talks smooth with Carano for ages and ages, they dress up, socialise in some sort of fancy party, leave, get home, time to flip out on each other. Now, I may have been spoiled by Hollywood glitz and glam special effect fight sequences that have taken over the action film genre. So I might not be able to appreciate the films 'realistic' fight sequences, but watching Michael Fassbender get his arse handed to him was disappointingly unsatisfying. It just felt staged. Nothing against Michael Fassbender, because he is truly one of the best actors around right now, but if there's a fight sequence between 2 actors, one of them is a martial arts fighter and one of them is just an actor, get rid of one. You could keep Fassbender and glitz up the fight sequence, we might know its fake but appreciate it looks good on screen, or ditch Fassbender. Bring in someone else who knows martial arts and the fight sequence becomes that bit more gritty and realistic.

So, dodgy fight sequences and essentially no plot till the last 15 minutes when everything is explained to you and you simply go, oh! Right! Ok... that's it, that's why all that stuff happened. Oh, and poorly scripted dialogue, that is what makes Haywire. Now I know, dialogue, not a big thing in action films. But when they bring in the father figure and Mallory and the dad talk on the phone the conversation is just nail bitingly clichéd, it is just dreadful! I'm watching it and they actually say this: 'Dad, don't close your eyes', and the dad (Bill Paxton) actually says 'I haven't shut my eyes since the day you were born' and it is just a head in hands, fingers in ears moment when you just go Why!?? Why did they have to say that!?

The characters are entirely misjudged and register little if not no emotion whatsoever. The one example of 2 characters behaving towards each other like real human beings comes early in the film with a will they, won't they, moment of which Mallory starts to make out with one of the other characters. This hit me like a bullet. Finally! Finally something to bite into! Substance! These characters have real relationships I might be able to actually care about them! Seconds later, the screen cuts to black and my hopes of emotion and heart in Haywire are destroyed. This moment in the film is never even mentioned again. Next time these characters see each other their back to talking smooth and kicking ass, and nothing else.

So Haywire is essentially a hit and miss idea, it aims to be a gritty, original gutsy action thriller, but misses the target almost entirely. Carano is the best thing in it and I do think we will be seeing more of her. So go see it, judge it for yourself, the response is mixed. I personally greatly disliked it.