Haywire: Review By Zak Lee Ferguson

If i am to be brutally honest- this is a brutally awful film. It is slow, its is mediocre beyond yonder, its too pretentious and stuck up its own arse to care about anything else apart from it being- Sodenbergs second film after Contagion- made from pre-production till release date- in six months- hazarrr! Sodenberg uses his usual macguffin murky orangey colour palette- he's too cool for old school motion- so he goes for all out action- arm to arm combat with minus extraction of attention or care- Michael Fassbender gets put down, Channing Tatum gets put down! Its wants to spit in the faces of "Blockbuster-fare" and rejuvenate it as another "Blockbuster-arch-ride" but no it fails under the same influenza as many Blockbusters- its a tad bullocky- it thinks its self highly what with its A-listers and the resumption of having a real leading lady being the chorographer of the fights and being the one that orchestrates on screen and behind isn't original- it dims the delight in the delight of the idea of bordering off from usual blockbuster farces. It's got the same clichéd lines, the same ample action- but done in just a "MYSTIFIED" realistic way that actually shows how dumb and self referentially coy and arrogant and self appreciated Steven Sodenberg is- a usual blockbuster- thinks its too cool for school and likes the idea or refreshing a very dumb standard franchise. The last Blockbuster farce with action, tension, was the R rated bonanza that was The Expendables that was a blockbuster, this uses its slight budget possibly to say, we are an indie artsy fartsy blockbuster with aluminium, the leading "ghirl", but no you haven't.

The films plot is loosely centred around- I'm not going to bother you with this as I had my eye wandering over my food and drink, merely empty bottles or packets of BIG BENS (chocolate peanuts coated in pristine colourful candy cases) but what I got was flash backs, Bill Paxton remembering the days he was James Cameron's go to guy and when he was respected and remembering, "oh damn I made Thunderbirds will this one film relight my fire in audiences eyes"?- well yes I thought you played the "so called" underpinned authorial father quite well. But other than that Antonio has a beard, Tatum looks pumped for the astoundingly awesome GI. Joe sequel, hence he's none too bad here, he's none too bad here, very under used; Fassbender is just the figurehead of selling out.

It is a film that goes along the lines of thinking itself smart for having a prosaic approach to its own format- jazz music, chirping away, the collections of sepia tone flick through to break fast- no slow- running pace- running down roads, hand held cam- black and white tone- swipes- blur, fragments of blurred sparring bullets (that's all there is a gun flare, no more no less and the women whom tinker tapes away this from the film itself in whole-fires the damn thing- you Biatchhh).

It's a tad repetitive- its got no motion, no panache, its much so uninteresting, the cast amply cast off- Micheal Douglas though can make nay dialogue sound like it was written by a poet, his small part much illuminating this from a boggy turkey fflick to a half a star flick, including a dib dab of malevolence in some streaks- not malevolence that can hinge its strong weight up of poor poor quality film up wards towards a subordinate rating- no no, but watching it gives me strict confidence I may just dislike Sodenbergs filmmaking techniques- Traffic possibly the most boring and unneutered films ever made. Contagion, not so bad, Che- I have yet to watch! Solaris- he daren't have dared try to remake a Tarkovskiy film! Not going to even try and watch that bile!

Up for a wild ride of atrocious watching- watch this. Sodenberg has made some intelligent, thought provoking master class films but I think he feels a tad too strong for his own work, his own mind kind of like:

"Oh must I make another- oh lord I must retire for the fifteenth time- oh but you know people just want more rejuvenation and re-emergences, and I am the man who has changed cinema?" he's a tad too thoughtful to his own ways, though I was looking forward to his interpretation oh U.N.C.L.E

Oceans 11 had bite, Oceans 13 had jazz, and Contagion has grit and sepia tone/ monochrome beauty but what of these few films in his long line of film have hit doesn't hit here, not so much, not so much at all.