'G.I. Joe Retaliation' Review By Bawnian©-Dexeus
Should have brought a honey badger with me
Directed by: Jon M. Chu
Starring: Channing Tatum, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Adrianne Palicki, Jonathan Pryce, Byung-hun-Lee, Ray Stevenson, D.J. Cotrona, Ray Park, Arnold Vosloo and Bruce Willis.
*Apologies In Advanced if this sounds like a Rant*
Well, we were supposed to get this movie at the end of June, but we got it at the end of March. Why? At first it was because Paramount didn't want to compete with Spider-Man. Then it was because they wanted to convert it to 3D because statistics show that foreign markets love 3D. Uh-huh...But! The real reason was given the success of Channing Tatum last year at the box office, the studio decided to do some reshoots in order to keep him and flesh out his relationship with The Rock's character....and of course convert it to 3D. So! Was it worth the wait and extra money? Lord have mercy, for their sakes, it better.
It doesn't help when you reveal the beginning and end of the movie in a single trailer. At first I was hoping for it to actually RETALIATE against what Stephen Summers failed to do back in 2009. Alas, history repeats itself, TWICE! How so? Not only did it fail to improve upon the first, but I was reminded of Revenge of The Fallen after entering the second act. Those two movies came out on the same year and they decided to keep the old model and throw in some flashy eye candy for keeps. You know, we call them the experts, but really, who are we kidding. The story, if ever there was such a thing is that Cobra begins their second phase by having their undercover operative in the White House Zartan (Vosloo) uncover the location of Cobra Commander and Destro to free them. The movie picks up where it left off, but with some changes to the landscape. If you haven't figured it out yet, Baroness is long gone. At the same time, they frame the G.I. Joes who allegedly committed an international unsanctioned hit, which explains why they were attacked by the American government. After that, we're supposed to see our heroes save the world. Ok, cool story bro. Meh...
They could have fooled me, but even without seeing the movie before the reshoots, I managed to decipher which were the ones by instinct and was left facepalming myself, over and over again. I won't get into details, but I can assure you, it was fruitless. Tatum fangirls? Sorry, no can do. Don't get me started on the 3D, because it was an epic fail on its own, considering I've given it some leverage with The Croods; I easily took off the glasses and enjoyed the rest. It didn't help the action at all, and for a rare time, left me a bit strained in the head.
Like Rise of Cobra, the silver lining goes to Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, but by a miniscule. The snow mountain scenes was well done in terms of action, but the rivalry was sacrificed, bastardised and plummeted to the ground like Lohan's career. A few key set pieces, or let me just call them action sequences for clarity, were pretty great, but that's it. The rest were just laughable. I know there is supposed to be some humor to get the audience to calm down from the drama and such, but not when it is shoved down your throat. The plot doesn't take itself seriously, even with the climax. On the bright side, but only dimmed, Jon M. Chu can handle action and a blockbuster, regardless of how good or bad.
Acting? What acting? The Rock punches, Bruce Willis is Bruce Willis and the rest are just the rest. Cobra Commander sounds good, but all he does it walk and look good in black. Seriously, he looked great, and nothing more. Both of them didn't feel like the characters most of us grew up with. All I saw was The Rock and John McClane saving the world. Am I forgetting anything? Oh! YES!
RZA. Who's bright idea was that? No, no, no! I'm not even going to touch that with a ten foot pole.
Overall, I'm sure the money will pool in, and should keep the studios happy, but this is the one time where I can't say I fully enjoyed it. I'd re-review Rise of Cobra, but I'll allow this sequel review to do the talking for me.
Written by: Bawnian©-Dexeus.