'Crank' Review By Vamp

Blah, blah, f*cking blah!
  • OVERALL
    0.5
    HORRIBLE
  • Story
  • Acting
  • Directing
  • Visuals
Alright, so me and Crypt had a second deal, and that was that he would watch "Bride Wars," and in turn I would watch "Crank." I watched the entire thing (unfortunately). I always use a quote from the movie for my overall review quote, and I think that the one that I picked sums it all up very nicely, "Blah, blah, f*cking blah." This movie was nothing but repetitiveness and it absolutely drove me nuts. I'll admit that the concept of the film was interesting, but the way it was executed sucked big time. I knew they wouldn't be able to stretch out this whole "Gotta find me some adrenaline" plotline for an entire hour and a half, and I was right, it seems. It was an epic fail, sorry Crypt. For Crypt's sake, I'm going to try and be as... NICE... as I possibly can with this review (But I'm not guaranteeing you anything, Crypt). It just wasn't my style, and I know that a lot of people like Jason Statham, but I can't stand him. I kept an open mind when I started this movie. Despite all the doubts I had, and trust me, there were plenty, I attempted to like it, I just couldn't get past the stupidity and mindlessness of it. I hear people say that it's a movie purely for fun... Well I ask you, "Where the hell is the fun you promised me?!" I do not recommend this to anyone, however, if you're a Jason Statham fan you'll probably end up seeing it anyway. It's just not that great of a movie, and I'm proud of myslef for making it through the whole movie without shutting it off. I kept telling myself that it might get better, but that DEFINITELY didn't happen. Nope. So, once again, Crypt, sorry about this review, and I hope I don't piss you off too much with it.

The directors of this film were Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, who also wrote the movie's storyline. I'll give these two one good comment about their directorial status. They did manage to make some killer angles to go with some of the crazy sh*t that Chev did during the film, however stupid it was. It was stupid, yes, but kind of awesome, as well, so they at least succeeded in giving the movie an "interesting" look, though the filters that were chosen for the film were ridiculous. The scene where he takes too much of the Epinepherine, and goes through the park in the hospital clothing was incredibly stupid. The lighting got all golden and sh*t, and it was just horrible. I actually rolled my eyes, no joke. I also got sick and tired of all of the random sh*t that they subtitled, and the GPS/Map thingy that popped up whenever Chev decided to go to a new place. It was absolutely annoying. I know, I know, "It's supposed to be funny," well, like I always say "Jokes are overused most of the time," and the first time didn't make me laugh, it was more of a "What the f*ck" chuckle, you know what I mean? Anyway, these two also WROTE the storyline for the movie, and I've got one good thing to say for what they did, and that was the fact that it was an original concept, and it's always nice to see something new and original pop up in the film industry. However, despite the fact that the idea was original and interesting, it just didn't make for a feature length film. Everything was repetitive, which I'll touch on in a little while. It just wasn't executed properly, and I know many would say "How would YOU do it, then?" My response is that I wouldn't. The idea, as I stated a while ago, just doesn't make for an interesting and good feature length film. So while Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor did manage to do a couple of things right, overall they're jobs weren't executed very well in my book.

The visuals of the film are where the half of a star in my rating come in. The visuals were actually pretty fun, and I fully admit this fact. I thought that the one thing they managed to do well was create some visuals that were fun to watch. The first visual I thought was cool, was when Chev was driving his car through the mall. I know it's a pretty basic set up compared to some of the sh*t they do today, but I thought it was cool, nonetheless. I also liked the scene where Chev is surrounded by a bunch of black thugs in a bathroom. Again, not to be compared with some of the crazy sh*t they do today, but I thought it was awesome nonetheless. I also liked the scene where Chev gets launched through the air and lands among the tables and all of the people scatter. That was hilarious to me for some reason. Also, when he's having his way with his grilfriend and everyone is watching. I laughed my ass off. However, with everything good, there must come a bad, and that's why the visuals only got half of a star. (This could be a spoiler, so tread lightly) When Chev falls out of the helicopter and hits the car, he bounces off of it and lands twenty or so feet away from it. First of all, I don't really know the physics behind the kind of fall that Chev took, and whether or not the bounce was feasable, but that was the absolute STUPIDEST thing that I have ever seen. The bounce was so fake looking, and I actually burst into laughter when I saw it (End of spoiler). Also, when he cleaves that guys hand off, though it wasn't as fake as the fall, it was DEFINITELY not as realistic as it could have been done, ESPECIALLY for a film that came out in 2006. So while MOST of the visuals were good, it still had it's drawbacks, and they can't be ignored.

The storyline for this movie, I've touched down upon a little bit already in my review. It's an original and interesting storyline, as I've stated a few times, and I want to iterate how awesome I think that is. Even in 2006, it was kind of hard to find movies that were original, and so I give kudos to this movie for doing that at least. While the idea was original and interesting, it didn't make enough for a feature length film. I understand the basics of what they were getting at. This man wanted to quit his job to be with his woman, but some *sshole decided it best to hinder him, so while he's finding revenge he's got to find a way to stay alive long enough to see it through. I get that. Awesome concept. However, it doesn't make for a feature length film, as I've stated. The movie was so repetitive that I almost fell asleep, and I barely EVER fall asleep in movies. It was interesting, yes, but it wasn't good enough for a full length movie. "Juice me," "Gotta get me some adrenaline pumping," "Oh sh*t, I need some coke or something," it was all the same sh*t executed in a relatively different way, and it just got tiring. They really should have put a little more thought into it. I know you all think it's for fun, and I'm glad that someone likes it, but I got no fun out of this movie at all. Just an empty feeling, and a rage at losing an hour and a half of my life that I will never get back. Anyway, I'm going to quit ranting now because you get my point. The storyline was original and interesting, but otherwise failed to meet a good standard for a feature length film.

Chev Chelios (Played by Jason Statham of "The Transporter") is a professional hitman that works for a pretty big crime syndicate working in California. One morning, Chev wakes up and finds that something is incredibly wrong with him. Everything in his system seems to have slown down, and he can't seem to concentrate on things long enough, or even keep his eyes open. He walks out into his living room, and there sitting in front of his relatively large flat screen TV, is a DVD with the name "F*CK YOU" on it. When he puts it in, he sees a rival crime boss, Verona (Played by Jose Pablo Cantillo of "Disturbia"), talking into a camera. He notices that Verona is in his own aparment, and Verona starts talking about the fact that killing Don Kim, Chev's last hit, was a very bad idea, and that he's got a surprise in store for him, as he pulls out a syringe. He flicks the needle gloatingly, and bends over the Chev's very own, unconscious body, and injects the contents of the syringe INTO Chev's neck. Now he goes on to explain that Chev's got about an hour to live because he's infected him with "Some Chinese synthetic sh*t." Now Chev begins to worry, as he stumbles around the house, and tries to get ahold of his girlfriend to tell her that something is wrong. He gets her answering maching however, and tells her that she REALLY needs to get a Cell Phone. The first thing that Chev does while out driving is try and get ahold of his Doctor, Doc Miles (Played by Dwight Yoakam of "Panic Room"), who is out when he calls. He leaves a message with his answering service, saying that Chev Chelios is a dead man if the Doc doesn't get back to him within the hour. The next thing that Chev does is to call his friend Kaylo (Played by Efren Ramirez of "Employee of the Month") to get the word out to everyone that Chev Chelios is looking for Verona. Kaylo agrees, though he's a little slow to the agreement because he seems to be stoned out of his mind. Chev then tries to get a hold of his girlfrined again, but fails. Now Chev is headed somewhere, and steps on the gas to increase his adrenaline because it seems to make him feel a whole lot better. That's when he gets a call from Verona, who gloats about what he's done. Chev tells Verona that he'd better watch out because he's looking for him, and eventually he WILL find him. Verona gloats back that he'll be waiting for him, but soon Chev has to go, because that's when he gets a call from Doc Miles finally, and Chev explains everything that is going on, and Doc Miles tells him that they've given him the Beijing C*cktail, and that it's shutting down his heart, and that the only way for him to stay alive is to keep the flow of adrenaline pumping. In short, he can't stop moving, or he'll die. Well, that's when Chev gets a very good idea, and drives his car into a mall, since he's got some cops on his tail. He takes the car on a spin throughout the entire mall, and wrecks a bunch of sh*t, and then drives it up an elevator, and goes around pretty much f*cking sh*t up and making sure that he kept his heart pumping. However, he found out from Verona that Verona was now working with his boss, Carlito, which is not a good thing for Chev. Chev goes and visits his boss, and during a conversation in the pool, he finds out that Carlito doesn't plan to do anything about it, and that there is also no antidote for the "Chinese synthetic sh*t" that is in his system. Now Chev's got to find his way to Verona before his time is up. Soon, he gets a call from Kaylo that he saw Verona's brother entering into a nearby hotel, and so Chev heads to that hotel, chopping off one of Verona's brother's hands, and then shooting him in the back of the head. He calls Verona and gloats about the kill, and using Verona's brother's phone to call Verona. Verona is furious, and so now Chev heads back out on the road. Finally, his girlfrined, Eve (Played by Amy Smart of "Starsky & Hutch") calls him back, and she is definitely wasted. She tells him that she'd been asleep all day, and that she finally got up and called him back. He tells her that he's headed her way and that they'd be going some place. He gets her, and kills a couple of guys that were sent by Verona to get her. He takes her out to eat, and then tells her everything about himself. He tells her about how he was NOT the Videogame Programmer he claimed to be, but was really a hitman. He tells her about the deal he made with Don Kim, to spare his life as long as Don Kim became scarce for forty-eight hours. He had quit the business so he could be with Eve, however, now this poison was killing him. She doesn't believe him and storms away, furious that he'd lie like that to her. That's when he needs to get some adrenaline pumping, and does this in a very publically obscene way. Soon he gets another call from Kaylo, that he has Verona, and Chev now heads for the final battle. His revenge before he dies. The only problem is, will he live long enough to accomplish it? All of the actors and actresses in this movie, though all of them are relatively good (Jason Statham not being a part of that "relatively good" status at all), just didn't help my like for this movie any. It's as if they were given a day to memorize lines and get into character. Amy Smart played a pretty good stoned woman, but her character was such an annoying bitch, that I couldn't stand it, and I don't think she was supposed to be an annoying bitch. I think the general goal was to make her a ditzy blonde, and it failed. Chev Chelios had the emotion and depth of a wal-nut, and the doctor, Dwight Yoakam, who's usually awesome, was annoying as sh*t. No one got into depth with their characters in the slightest, and the result was absolutely dreadful. They DEFINITELY could have done a BETTER job with the casting for this movie.

All in all, this movie was absolutely.... terrible. I'm really sorry that Crypt, but at least I tried, right? Anyway, the movie just couldn't be fun or awesome in any way. It was so blatantly annoying, and awful, and oh, I'm mad at myself for not shutting it off after the first half an hour. I can't with all good conscience recommend it to anyone, but I have to say that if you DO like Jason Statham, maybe you'll like it a smidgeon more than I did, but that doesn't mean you'll love it, or even reach the status of LIKING it. You might just give it half of a star higher than I did. The directors of this movie tried hard, and for the most part managed to get a lot of good angles for the film, even if they botched the filters. They tried, it just didn't work out at all, but it just wasn't cutting it at all. The writers of the film, who were also the directors, managed to create a very original and a very interesting storyline for the movie, but it just wasn't enough for a feature length film, and as a result, the film really drug along terribly. DEFINITELY could have done a better job with the writing. The visuals of the movie were actually very intense, interesting, and semi-awesome. While a lot of things awesome, they also did a couple of things incredibly stupidly, and once again, it just threw off the overall score for this movie. The storyline of this movie, as I've already said, was an original and interesting idea, that wasn't executed well enough because it wasn't enough for a feature length film to run on. As a result the movie was INCREDIBLY repetitive, and as a result of this repetitiveness, it was pretty dull, too. The acting ties this all together. All of the Actors and Actresses involved in this movie did not do well at all, and really just botched everything to do with it. Their performances were sloppy and it seemed like they were, as I said, given ONE day to read and memorize their lines. They delivered performances that were COMPLETELY Unconvincing, COMPLETELY Unbelievable, and COMPLETELY Unrealistic, and they delivered performances as characters that you DEFINITELY couldn't feel for, and you could not come anywhere CLOSE to being able to RELATE to them, on ANY level. I tried to like this film, I really did, but it was just terrible. I don't recommend it to anyone, but if you're a Jason Statham fan and haven't seen it, you're probably going to listen to everyone who thought it was awesome, and see it anyway. So see it if it trips your fancy, you'll probably be just as disappointed as I was!!!!!

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Comments (14)

  1. The CryptKeeper

    As much as I hate this review, it is good. lol

    Sorry it took me so long to comment and read this, lol.

    5 years agoby @catwomanFlag

  2. Vamp

    I promised Crypt that I'd review it. I'm not going to shirk a review for a movie I dislike anyway. I just don't write that MANY reviews for movies I hate...

    It doesn't look as if I'll be seeing "Terminator Salvation" in theaters, so you'll have to wait for MY review when it hits DVD, I'm afraid.

    5 years agoby @vampire2000Flag

  3. slysnide

    Shizakoff!!! You hated this flick so much but wrote such a long ass review. I thought you didn't dedicate that much time to reviews of flicks you didn't like? And did you ever see T4?

    5 years agoby @slysnideFlag

  4. Vamp

    Raven, I probably won't... Newkill, Statham tried acting, and made a "Career" out of it. The man is terrible. The same in every single movie.

    5 years agoby @vampire2000Flag

  5. Newkill3000

    Nice review, but Damn! What did Jason Statham do to you? I hope your not a big fan of the original Mechanic, because you know he's staring in the remake.

    5 years agoby @newkill200Flag

  6. RavenX5 God of Light

    u better see the second one T_T.BTW,check out my reviews of Drag Me To Hell and UP

    5 years agoby @hackx9Flag

  7. Vamp

    Thanks guys. I don't know about giving the second one a chance, the rocknrolla, but I'll think about it. I'm definitely not going to be spending any money in the theaters on it. That's for damn sure. I was probably a little harder on it than you, Shelley because I can't STAND Jason Statham.

    5 years agoby @vampire2000Flag

  8. The Boondock Saint

    the sequal is better. i understand why ppl dont like this movie , even though i do like it , i would recommend you give the 2nd a shot. iits much easier to have fun watching it.

    5 years agoby @combatmadness360Flag

  9. Shelley

    I really like Statham, but hated this movie as well. I do not think I was quite as hard on it, but definitely a bad film to me too.

    Awesome review Vamp.

    5 years agoby @shelleyFlag

  10. Vamp

    Thanks guys... I don't get why everyone liked it so much. lmfao... Like you said, though, ed, "to each his own."

    5 years agoby @vampire2000Flag

  11. 313td

    Man,you were hard on this one.I think I will still like it.lol
    Nice review though.

    5 years agoby @313tdFlag

  12. ed_wood

    I liked it alot, but hey, to each his own. Well done review.

    5 years agoby @ed-woodFlag

  13. Vamp

    Blargh, not really, but thanks!

    5 years agoby @vampire2000Flag

  14. Raoul Duke

    At least you gave it a shot. lmao. I loved it though. Awesome action movie. Statham is the man.

    5 years agoby @raoulduke33Flag