Cloverfield: Review By CapisDead

Jan 19th, 2008 by CapisDead
Cloverfield. . . aka, vanilla men vs. the vanilla monster.
  • OVERALL
    1.5
    POOR
  • Story
  • Acting
  • Directing
  • Visuals
1-18-08, a date that was supposed to live in infamy as the date when all will be revealed in the Cloverfield mythos. However, the date is now infamous for wasting my time and 10 bucks.

By now most already know Cloverfield as the ludicrously secretive monster thriller from J.J. Abrams. At first, I commend the idea of having a monster filmed from the survivors perspective in which you feel the horrowing chase as one is running away from something giant.

The problem is that for these movies to work, to need to follow a bit of pro wrestling logic and have the heroes be the face in peril (the good guys) and the monster be the big, bad villain.

What Cloverfield immediately gets wrong is that the city of New York is filled with characters that are so cookie cutter, bland, and such friggin douchebags that the city that never sleeps will put you to sleep. There are seemingly two characters in Cloverfield: young hispter guy with impeccable hair and 5:00 mustache, and posh females who wear c*cktail dresses and make smarky comments about Superman. Throughout their ordeal I did not once care about their plight at all. With that disconnect in place you cannot truly get into a monster film as the danger is not there. Plus, these characters do some of the most dumbesrt things EVER.

As for the monster, it's bleh. SPOILERS: the closest thing I can think of it is that it is a giant vagina: and if I want that, I watch Bill O' Reilly. Plus, well I got a Half Life 2 vibe from it, but the problem is that that game is fun. This isn't.

Finally, there are also technical hiccups in terms of wind noises ( got that from my buddy). But overall, Cloverfield is a film whose hype was much more than the film.

Do yourself a favor, watch the Star Trek trailer online, and skip this film.

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Comments (4)

  1. The Boondock Saint

    i didnt think it was the worst movie ever but i can see wat your talkin bout. but in my perspective i thought it was a fun movie experience

    4 years agoby @combatmadness360Flag

  2. kyle_hannah

    Loved this movie check out my review for a much mcuh differant perspective

    4 years agoby @kyle-hannahFlag

  3. baptie6

    "In complete agreement,,,Me and the kids were excited to see what could be done with this movie,,,What a bloody waist off time,,,From a packed theater,,,Me and my oldest son(13),,sat backed and counted 27 people get up and leave in the first 45 mins,,The rest ant the end of the flick,,,,Did there best not to be to rude about being ripped off,once again (re:Godzilla 1998)....

    4 years agoby @baptie6Flag

  4. Rama's SCREEN

    I agree with what you said about the characters.
    When I was in New York, I didn't meet a New Yorker that bland,dumb and boring.
    Plus.. New Yorkers tend to cuss more.

    It's funny how you mentioned the monster looked like a giant vagina.
    You ought to check out the movie 'TEETH'. It's hilarious

    4 years agoby @ramasscreen-comFlag