Black Knight: Review By B. Alan Orange

A summer swimming hole. Whiskey drenched bimbos in cut-off jeans on rope swings. I knew it had to be a dream. Those jerks over at Movieweb don't even bother asking if I "want" to go to a movie anymore. It's gotten to the point where they'll drug me with a Demerol-Propetia liquid c*cktail then dump me in my seat without remorse. They don't care that I'm being subject to some of the most brain damaging chemicals known to man; that mean mixture giving good lucid dreams of the utmost clarity. I could literally smell the cherry wine-flavored stripper-perfect perfume wafting off the whisper-thin arm hairs of a young choco-latted honey. Her cotton candied breath inched down my neck, our central nervous systems hanging just slightly left of center due to all the PBR we'd consumed. She came down on me with a loud crack and boom explosion that opened into the new Martin Lawrence movie. I sat up blurry-eyed, recognizing the theme without fail. Black Knight: they'd made a mistake. I would have gone to see this on my own!

How long has it taken the prodigal sons of Hollywood to dirge this concept? Ten years now I've been waiting for a Black time travel comedy-adventure to grace our screens. Then came the trailer: Those ad-spots for Black Knight make it look like the most atrocious pile of film clips ever assembled into one unique mess. I knew watching the movie itself couldn't be any worse. The previews contained a susp*cious aura: There was no possible way BK could be as horrible as it was presenting itself at the dinner table. I was right, for the most part.

Here's an excellent example of Vivica A. Fox's biggest grip: Miss-Marketing. The curators of Black Knight had no clue how to sell their material. In commercial form, it comes off as an extremely unlikable screwball comedy in the same vein as Corky Romano and Snow Day. A harsh blow to your intelligence not recommended before completion of the SATs, for it will only make you stupider. It is made to look this way by digging unorganized chunks out of misrepresented scenes and then throwing them together in an incoherent glob.

Subtle jokes are extracted from their initial context. Played alone, all meaning is lost and it looks like we have something dumber than my twice held-back kindergarten cousin. The truth is; Knight's a fairly realistic, sometimes genuinely funny adventure film. It comes at the concept with some heart and excels at being watchable. That's it, though. It never lifts itself up high enough to be considered great, leveling out at just okay. It's a study in mediocrity. A film to see with friends once the beer has run dry and there's little else to do but suffer the boredom.

It's a fair sampling off the Lawrence platter: BK's no better or worse than such stand-alone projects as Nothing to Lose or Blue Streak. In fact, it's head and shoulders above that awful Fat Mama piece of junk he tried to shill last summer. Fans won't be disappointed. Mere passer-bys will also find it appealing. It's a guilt-free Pay-Per-View whim decision. Too bad director Gil Junger and his expansive staff of writers couldn't come up with a better concept on which to hinge the film's foundation on.

Bill & Ted did this same thing in ten minutes and still had time to traipse multiple other dimensional decades. The medieval time-travel concept has been done so many times, it's maddening. A Kid in King Arthur's Court, A Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Disney's Unidentified Flying Oddball, and Just Visiting on a role-reversal. Why is the African-American presence so different as to change the outlook of an entire genre? In the case of Black Knight, it's not. In doing a time travel piece with an urban spin, the producers should have been more aware of the concept's potential. Why not place Martin Lawrence in a setting that has some meaning to his character as a person. Set him in the Civil War, during chattel slavery. It could still have a comedic premise while tackling serious issues. What about segregated America? The Watts Riots? These aren't taboo subjects. Think, you Tinsel Town sh*t-f*cks. If you're going to come, come with a hint of originality. Please!

The movie plays wrong with time travel esthetics. After a short, clumsy opening, Martin's transference into Medieval Castle days is handled without a bit of whimsy. There's little explanation as to how he's able to walk across the years. It's an easy pass that took absolutely no thought on the part of the writers, whatsoever. You have to accept that a man falls into a moat at work and comes out the other side of an expansive river. How he believes he's stumbled upon Southern California's newest theme park is lost on me. It takes Lawrence a good couple of hours to realize he's actually found Camelot (figuratively speaking). I would have known the moment I crawled away from that muddy bank. The lush foliage minus palm trees would have tipped me off, twice-quick. The script's lack of belief is hard to overlook, yet once Martin gets into the castle and the thin plot starts churning itself out, Black Knight manages to eek itself up into the realms of actual entertainment. A credit to Martin, this is achieved through his sheer presence alone. There's not much else going on here.

After a rousing fifty minutes, the film hits a lag at its most crucial turning point. Martin muddles through a rudimentary montage clip-show, training the commonwealth to fight while rallying troops to help a fallen queen. During this sequence, my brain shut-off as if hooked to a Clapper. Knight's already weakened knees where on the verge of giving out. The fight scenes, choreographed by none other than Paula Abdul, are rousing, but the film never fully recovers from this sidestep. It dips straight into dullsville.

It doesn't help that the setting and costumes all recall painful memories of a renaissance fair I was unmercifully dragged to as a kid. Martin Lawrence looks as though he's stumbled upon a patchouli-drenched festival for the Society of Creative Anachronisms, not the Dark Ages as we've come to know the. F*ck, guys. Get a budget.

The audience didn't seem to mind these annoying little nit-picks. The one complaint overheard, "Martin didn't get to act out his craziness as much as he usually does." I think that's a good thing. A subdued Martin fits better into a semi-realistic setting. Anything more would have shot across the screen like fits of rage. One Chris Tucker is enough. I'd have to leave this building with a fire at my back.

A second note came disguised as a mean spirited putdown, "I don't think Martin is believable as an action hero." He worked well enough in Bad Boys that they're making a sequel. I liked the way he rode into battle as a bad bitch on horse back only to find himself knocked to the ground. It rang of Jack Burton and created credibility in a flawed persona. At least he's not coming across as an Eddie Murphy protagonist, unable to make a mistake. Let's be grateful.

Okay, so I've made a case against the film. It's pocked with blemish marks. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy it as a simple little run of the mill time killer. You're not going to be kicking the back of someone's seat upon exit, hating the very mention of the names involved. You'll probably walk away, smiling. I hope it does well. The sequel it's set up for itself looks better than what we actually have here on screen.

Remember: This was a film made in the rush of an impending SAG strike. That considered, I'm willing to overlook Black Knight's ugly, missive cracks.

(Film Numerology)

The Film's Fate as told by numerology: Black Knight's distribution number: 38476 indicates that the film is relying on the ego of its star. Lawrence is unable to overcome this lackluster material enough to propel it past "ordinary." The piece ends up exhausting energy in an easily accessible concept. According to the film's release date, 11-21-2001, Black Knight's success is unpredictable, ensuring obstacles of failure implemented by a severely lame theatrical trailer. When we combine the date with the distribution number, we see that the film will reach its goal in amassing its target audience, but won't be able to widen itself into a month long top ten spot. It is a film that will have to fight for its congregation.