'Battleship' Critic Reviews
The whole movie feels like Roland Emmerich's sperm and Michael Bay's sperm fertilized an egg Tony Scott cryogenically froze back in 1986, producing a "baby" with qualities of all of its "birth" fathers.
Pete Vonder Haar
There's nothing about Battleship that doesn't feel like the conclusion of a hundred lengthy focus group discussions.
Sandie Angulo Chen
Common Sense Media
Over-the-top sci-fi action with great special effects.
Tampa Bay Times
"What's the difference between a battleship and a destroyer?" asks a starstruck boy upon meeting a U.S. Navy hero-to-be in Battleship. The smart answer would be "one peg hole".... The sailor says something else because Battleship isn't a smart movie.
It's a multi-layer cake frosted with Rihanna pointing big guns at giant space ships and letting off all her rounds while screaming "AUUUUGGGHHH!"
Taylor Kitsch might be trying to fire his agent as we speak.
Killer Movie Reviews
the film adds space invaders to the traditional maritime conflict, yet never forgets its humble roots as a board game played with pegs and increasingly educated guesses
Metro Times (Detroit, MI)
...more than two hours of high-priced explosion porn that piles on its chest-thumping "America, f&%k yeah!" machismo with a brazenness that makes Top Gun seem Merchant-and-Ivory quaint.
Chris Hewitt (St. Paul)
St. Paul Pioneer Press
It's the sort of movie every summer needs. And stick around for a fun post-credits sequence that hints at a sequel.
Mark Reviews Movies
A distended and entirely generic movie about a trio of Navy ships (and, if one is generous, the people onboard) that are the last line of defense when aliens invade Earth.
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Some guilty-pleasure cheese atop a ration of stale popcorn can't cleanse the distastefulness that "Battleship" leaves in its wake.
One ethnic stereotype, two objectifying shots of the supermodel-ready female form, and three set-pieces of choppy, ADD-massaging quick edits away from being titled "Transformers 4."
It may leave you screaming "Turn it off!" or, at the very least, "Jumanji!"
Philadelphia Daily News
It's fast, efficient, and keenly aware of its popcorn-movie mission statement.
"Battleship" is a loud and booming-blow-'em-up movie made for a 12-year-old target audience. Adults should sit this one out - that is, if you don't want to be exposed to a two-hour long headache.
All hopped up on Michael Bay-brand steroids, Berg attempts to outwit his audience by playing so broadly with a painfully simple concept. It's a shame almost nothing in Battleship comes close to genuine fun.
Kansas City Star
Saluting both the American flag and filmmaker Michael Bay, 'Battleship' rises to new heights of pandering while Erich and Jon Hoeber's screenplay sinks to depths of dopiness.
The Marines got that commercial where the recruit slays the fire-spewing lava monster, and now the Navy has its two-hour propaganda film about the glories of fighting alien invaders positioned in neat little quadrants at sea. Just try to forget it's a toy
Perhaps not quite as painful as you might be expecting, though probably not as enjoyable, either.
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Berg does his best to emulate Michael Bay's timeless military-fetish-meets-farting-robots aesthetic, but he never succeeds at putting together an action set-piece that clicks.
A good, old-fashioned summer popcorn movie...and Rhianna is a hoot.
Mind-numbingly entertaining. It's great when summer blockbuster offers clever verses, but I'll settle for a killer chorus.
...dumber than a box of rocks. These filmmakers have paid no attention to physics, logic, consistency or real people.
If Ed Wood had a budget of a $100 million to throw around, even he might not have been able to direct a film as godawful as Battleship -- or as in poor taste.
...for some unknown reason Battleship tries to play like a romantic comedy - complete with a meet cute - for the first 1/3 of its overly long running time.