'Battleship' Review By The Cryptkeeper: Resurrected

Half way through the movie he says- "I've got a bad feeling about this!" But before he had a good feeling about the aliens attacking...?
  • Story
  • Acting
  • Directing
  • Visuals
Wow, am I glad I did not spend money to see this on the big screen, like I was originally going to. I'd have to say that Battleship must be one of the worst movies to hit theatres in 2012. Almost everything is awful. A story that is extremely thin, and really does not develop anymore after a certain point. Then you got dialogue that is laughable, among awkward directing. This calls for a seriously horrible, and cheesy movie.

The first 10 minutes are are seriously awful, and possibly the worst of the whole movie. Now this is where I said "I've got a bad feeling about this!" You have the main character, Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch) making a complete ass of himself trying to get some hot chick in a bar. He is trying to be funny, and goofy, but the whole opening scene turned out to just be lame, not funny and just embarrassing to watch. However, this scene is the start of some form of character development. This is one of those "underdog stories" (ugh). Alex Hopper is a slacker who is going nowhere in life... Until aliens attack! Now, can he manage to be a good captain of a ship, save the world and ask permission of his girlfriend's hand in marriage and all with a little style? Well, gee... I wonder... As you can see a horrible plot. The whole thing about aliens attacking is really just not developed well. In fact not at all. After they appear, there is no further development of the story. It kinda just stops and becomes a Transformers sequel.

I could not fully tell if the acting was horrible, the dialogue was bad, or both. I'm guessing both. There are so many horrible lines in this movie, I should have been counting. But the actors were pretty horrible too. They really made for a big part of the movie's failure. Who the hell wanted to hire Rihanna for this movie anyways? What is she doing here? Sadly, even Liam Neeson's character is terrible. His acting isn't so bad, I'm more complaining about the character he had to play, and why he signed up for this movie anyways. I will say there was one good cast member aboard this ship, which was Alexander Skarsgard who has gained fame from True Blood (he plays Eric). I am not being bias because I like that show. I honestly felt he gave his all, and he was a good choice for the character, had the movie been good. His scenes I actually did not laugh, or cringe at.

Another plus about this movie were the visuals. The alien ships that summoned from underneath the water looked legit. Sadly, like Transformers, good special effects could not save this movie.

Definitely skip this one at all costs. I cannot believe that there are actually good reviews for this movie, on this site or anywhere. Perhaps I'll read their reviews; I'm pretty curious on their take on this movie...

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Comments (6)

  1. The Cryptkeeper: Resurrected

    @redcameraman Yeah, I wanted to see it in theatres too, but never got the chance. I've only seen the first Transformers; which was a while ago. Having said that, I think this is still worse. By a lot.

    3 years agoby @cryptFlag

  2. T. King (Red Camera Man)

    @crypt: Sorry to hear this movie was a disappointment. I was wanting to go see it when I first saw the trailer awhile back, but then I decided to wait for DVD since I didn't want to see it THAT bad. But after reading this review, I decided to SKIP it permanently. Is it worse than "Transformers?"

    3 years agoby @redcameramanFlag

  3. The Cryptkeeper: Resurrected

    @mcleve02 Ah, makes sense. I wondered if you'd be gone for the long weekend or not! And hell nah! that secret place is boring as hell.

    3 years agoby @cryptFlag


    @crypt Yeah, the school I teach at has been keeping me pretty busy... holiday weekends means time off for them, a lot of work for us! I am back in full swing although I am always on our hidden page if you would show up on occasion!

    3 years agoby @mcleve02Flag

  5. The Cryptkeeper: Resurrected

    @mcleve02 Yeah, sh*t idk why I even gave it 1 full star. Seems too much now, re-thinking the whole movie over. Oh well, too late now! Thanks buddy! And yeah man! WHere the heck you been?!?!?! You have a life or something?! haha

    3 years agoby @cryptFlag


    @crypt haha you gave it half a star more than I would have, but still another great review! Sorry I have been absent for a week!

    3 years agoby @mcleve02Flag