Battleship: Review By The Cryptkeeper: Resurrected

Wow, am I glad I did not spend money to see this on the big screen, like I was originally going to. I'd have to say that Battleship must be one of the worst movies to hit theatres in 2012. Almost everything is awful. A story that is extremely thin, and really does not develop anymore after a certain point. Then you got dialogue that is laughable, among awkward directing. This calls for a seriously horrible, and cheesy movie.

The first 10 minutes are are seriously awful, and possibly the worst of the whole movie. Now this is where I said "I've got a bad feeling about this!" You have the main character, Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch) making a complete ass of himself trying to get some hot chick in a bar. He is trying to be funny, and goofy, but the whole opening scene turned out to just be lame, not funny and just embarrassing to watch. However, this scene is the start of some form of character development. This is one of those "underdog stories" (ugh). Alex Hopper is a slacker who is going nowhere in life... Until aliens attack! Now, can he manage to be a good captain of a ship, save the world and ask permission of his girlfriend's hand in marriage and all with a little style? Well, gee... I wonder... As you can see a horrible plot. The whole thing about aliens attacking is really just not developed well. In fact not at all. After they appear, there is no further development of the story. It kinda just stops and becomes a Transformers sequel.

I could not fully tell if the acting was horrible, the dialogue was bad, or both. I'm guessing both. There are so many horrible lines in this movie, I should have been counting. But the actors were pretty horrible too. They really made for a big part of the movie's failure. Who the hell wanted to hire Rihanna for this movie anyways? What is she doing here? Sadly, even Liam Neeson's character is terrible. His acting isn't so bad, I'm more complaining about the character he had to play, and why he signed up for this movie anyways. I will say there was one good cast member aboard this ship, which was Alexander Skarsgard who has gained fame from True Blood (he plays Eric). I am not being bias because I like that show. I honestly felt he gave his all, and he was a good choice for the character, had the movie been good. His scenes I actually did not laugh, or cringe at.

Another plus about this movie were the visuals. The alien ships that summoned from underneath the water looked legit. Sadly, like Transformers, good special effects could not save this movie.

Definitely skip this one at all costs. I cannot believe that there are actually good reviews for this movie, on this site or anywhere. Perhaps I'll read their reviews; I'm pretty curious on their take on this movie...