Bad Teacher: Review By ZanyZap

Jun 30th, 2011 by ZanyZap
Teacher isn't Bad; it's horrendous.
  • OVERALL
    2.0
    POOR
  • Story
  • Acting
  • Directing
  • Visuals
Director: Jake Kasdan

Writer(s): Gene Stupnitsky, Lee Eisenberg

Stars: Cameron Diaz, Jason Segel and Justin Timberlake

I laughed out loud three times during "Bad Teacher."

A fat guy left the armrest upright and used two seats; a lady tripped on the stairs and spilled blue slushy down her front, and I laughed when a group of teenagers used popcorn as mini dodge balls for entertainment - I'd have joined the fun had I purchased a bucket.

Not once was my laughter directed at the screen. Even Cameron Diaz reenacting a much hotter version of the Burger King commercial with Paris Hilton couldn't hold my attention. I checked my watch 89 times and felt like a kid in class waiting for the bell to ring.

"Bad Teacher" isn't just bad; it's horrendous.

Diaz plays bad teacher Elizabeth Halsey, a sleazy gold-digger, who after being dumped by her rich and wimpy boyfriend, must return to class at a Chicago middle school. She swears, has a stash of alcohol in her desk and tokes in the parking lot frequently.

Class consist of movies and it makes us wish we too could watch "Stand by Me" or "Scream" instead. Hasley's goal as a teacher is not to mold young minds, but to remold a certain part of body - her t*ts. She believes that Pamela Anderson honkers will enhance her chances of finding another man to drain dry.

Enter temp Scott Delacorte (Justin Timerblake), a young stylish, Audi driving idiot: exactly what Hasley looks for in a man.

Hasley competes with Amy Squirrell (her last name's another joke that falls flat), played by goofy Lucy Punch, for his affection and for a bonus, which Hasley plans to swap for silicon.

A lot of the blame goes to screenwriters Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg - they wrote "Year One", an excellent indicator of their screenwriting skills. Stick to "The Office", boys; you can't replace good humor with half-assed jokes and nudie shots. I expected a cross between "School of Rock" and "Bad Santa" and although Stupnitsky and Eisenberg got the crass slacker part correct, they forgot and ignored the students. They are only present for class and for Hasley's belittlement.

Diaz played deadbeat well; her performance made the movie somewhat bearable. The rest of the characters were just beat dead by terrible lines and horrible gimmicks. I refrained from mentioning Jason Segel's character in the synopsis because his character was as forgettable as how many seats were in the theater. I counted.

Comedy expert Molly Shannon has a cameo, but if I hadn't stayed for the credits, I wouldn't have remembered. Timberlake tries his hardest to no avail; acting chops cannot grind poor dialogue. At least we have "Friends with Benefits," a hopefully better movie which he also stars, to look forward to.

Diaz as bad teacher Elizabeth Halsey wrote, "Are you f*cking kidding me," on a student's quiz, and if I had my pen ready, I'd write the same in bold, red ink.

Be a truant. Skip this movie.

Do you like this review?

Comments (23)

  1. TheStonedReviewer

    great review!

    11 months agoby @stonedFlag

  2. TheStonedReviewer

    such a dull, dull, dull, impossibly dull train wreck of a film that had so much potential

    11 months agoby @stonedFlag

  3. Diaigma

    @zanyzap - I'd give you an equally long response, but that would land me in "detention" for sure :P

    11 months agoby @diaigmaFlag

  4. ZanyZap

    @ejk1: Thank you, sir. I suppose my opinion was somewhat hazarded by my enthusiasm for the movie prior to its release. I wouldn't even Red Box it, and if it was on TV, I'd choose MTV instead (and that's saying something big!).

    11 months agoby @zanyzapFlag

  5. ejk1

    @zanyzap I'm glad to see another sparkling review from you. I liked BT enough to give it a 3, but there were some parts that were so cringeworthy that I have no intention to buy this on Blu-Ray or DVD.

    11 months agoby @ejk1Flag

  6. ZanyZap

    @diaigma: Sorry this is late: I didn't want to be tardy to work. You have class; I'm sure you understand. And if you're "board" and need another recess, post a comment "chalk full" of a-grade puns. Your wit is textbook. :P Is all this ringing a bell?

    @moviegeek: Diaz kept it from being a one.

    @dan1: Bridesmaids was the great comedy of the year, but I too am looking forward to Horrible Bosses. That "I don't win very much" response to the cops in the trailer makes me laugh my ass off every time.

    Thanks all.

    11 months agoby @zanyzapFlag

  7. J. David

    Great review dude. I didn't think it was awful, but I was quite disappointed. I gave it a 3.

    11 months agoby @moviefreak97Flag

  8. Dan

    @zanyzap :(.... here's hoping Horrible Bosses finally manages to be the great comedy of the year.

    11 months agoby @dan1Flag

  9. thedude-abides

    Yeah, I'd much rather watch Scream instead. Great review, @zanyzap.

    11 months agoby @thedude-abidesFlag

  10. moviegeek

    For being horrendous, 2.0 is quite generous :P Nice review.

    11 months agoby @moviegeekFlag

  11. Summit10

    gone were the days of Something About Mary... well the film may have been literal to its title and from bad it became worse. From The Box, Knight and Day, Green Hornet and now this? What will she think of next? NIce review!

    11 months agoby @summit10Flag

  12. Diaigma

    @zanyzap - yep. It'll go down in "history," I bet :P

    11 months agoby @diaigmaFlag

  13. ZanyZap

    @diaigma: You've set a dangerous "principal," my friend. :P

    11 months agoby @zanyzapFlag

  14. Diaigma

    @zanyzap - the community would "expel" me if I didn't :P

    11 months agoby @diaigmaFlag

  15. Forrestgump1

    Agreed this movie was terrible with the exception of Jason Segal

    11 months agoby @forrestgump1Flag

  16. ZanyZap

    @diaigma: I figured you wouldn't "recess" from puns with your comment. :P

    @skywise: Right there with you, bud. I was hoping for a good Diaz movie too. Hopefully she's not the next Aniston. :P

    11 months agoby @zanyzapFlag

  17. Diaigma

    @zanyzap - you should thank someone else. I just copy and pasted from them :P

    This movie is a pass for me, but a long "hall." Your review justifies that decision. Thanks for the heads up, sir :)

    11 months agoby @diaigmaFlag

  18. skywise

    @zanyzap Man that is NOT what i was hoping for but to be honest, after Diaz's last few movies i am really starting to lose faith in her. knight and Day was terrible and she was completly wasted and really dragged the Green Hornet down for me. I was hoping she could redeem herself here but...apperantly not.

    11 months agoby @skywiseFlag

  19. XxNickTheFilmCriticXx

    @zanyzap -- You made a humorous review about a non-humorous movie. I enjoyed it greatly. Well done, bud.

    11 months agoby @XxNickTheFilmCriticXxFlag

  20. ZanyZap

    @slysnide: Did I mention that she was a sleazy, lazy deadbeat? Hmm... I'm glad you got the point. :P

    And thanks @corey. I look forward to your thoughts.

    11 months agoby @zanyzapFlag

  21. slysnide

    This looks to be exactly what the trailer made it out to be: Crap. Your references to deadbeats and laziness and sleaziness enough times got the point across with a skim. Good one @zanyzap.

    11 months agoby @slysnideFlag

  22. Corey

    @zanyzap Damn. Seeing this after Transformers. Not to excited now...

    11 months agoby @coreyFlag

  23. ZanyZap

    All critiques should have emotion. And I put a helluva lot of emotion into this one. :P

    @moviegeek @dan1 @forrestgump1 @insertusernamehere @ejk1 @daveactor7 @wichitagalzl @mattbierwagen @narrator @fanboy @summit10 @Ilikepie202 @bawnian-dexeus @jakn @moviemaniac66 @Zak-F @slysnide @jayaottley @brian @sardinas @moviewiz001 @grond29 @moviefreak97 @bryanyentz @SherlockHolmes2009 @skywise @thedude-abides @XxNickTheFilmCriticXx @jptheredskull @comicbookfan @SpaceCowboy @bryanyentz

    Thanks @diaigma for writing all those names out for me. :P

    11 months agoby @zanyzapFlag