Alone In The Dark: Review By The Cryptkeeper

Well, I expected the worst, but this was pretty bad. I mean I thought this would at least be FUNNY like Boll's other films were. House of the Dead is hilarious, as is In The Name of The King. Boll is a great director... for comedy movies. I think he might need some help when directing a serious film.

The story... hmmmm... to be honest. I only know about half. I was too busy laughing. And when I wasn't laughing, I was thinking about how I could be spending this time better. Some bullsh*t about some aliens. It was a total rip-off of the Alien and Predator films. Predator because they like turn invisible, and Alien because they have this tail, that is almost like the ones in Alien that impregnates you with an alien. Very stupid story. I can tell you that much. Something about testing little kids in an orphanage for a science experiment. It's like this movie tried too hard for an in-depth storyline, but would have done better with just the usual aliens crash land on earth.

The acting is hilarious by Christian Slater, Tara Reid, and Stephen Dorff. They are normally decent actors (minus Tara Reid of course) and I don't know what happened. I mean Christian Slater isn't a favorite of mine, nor is he the best actor out there, but he's better than this. And what happened?How come all of a sudden the guy can't act for sh*t? Tara Reid.... she doesn't even deserve the title of being an "actress." Let's just leave it at that and let you figure out what that means on your own. And Stephen Dorff, he is in mostly straight to DVD flicks, but he is pretty good. He was also the bad vampire in "Blade." But this time he acts like an idiot. I mean his lines are so stupid, and just flat out lame. I'm not even going to mention how pathetic the supporting cast is... oh wait. I guess I just did.

The director of this sh*t is Uwe Boll. And WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!? He has brought me some of the most hilarious moments in my life!! I love his movies!! This time, he isn't as funny as a director like he was with House of the Dead and In the Name of the King. I thought those films were a laugh riot!! But when it all comes down to it, I feel bad for the guy. I mean he is hated by like everyone. I bet he's gotta be suicidal being hated so much. I think he's trying, so I am going to do my best to take his next films more seriously. I just doubt I'll be able to. There's going to be a Alone in the Dark part 2, and I wonder if he is the director... Anyway, like I said, I like Uwe Boll as a comedy director. I mean he brings us good, clean humor. Not this gay sh*t like "Scary Movie." So thank you, Mr. Boll for that.

The visuals are all fake. Lame. In this one scene the blood on the wall was really bright, and then all over the floor it was really dark. What's up with that? Plus retarded aliens. Retarded movie.

Overall, sh*tty movie. DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THIS MOVIE!!!!!! I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL, BUT IT SUCKED!!!!!! WORST UWE BOLL MOVIE EVER!!!