Abandon: Review By B. Alan Orange

Code Orange Alert #39097: Abandon

Feverishly typing away at one of my most cruel and vicious decrees to date, literally bashing Katie Holmes' ill-spirited endeavor into finite dust, an evil force swooped down and tried to render me powerless. Yup, this evil phantom rattled my cage by destroying the only instrument holding that original Abandon review. It is this Demon who makes my kidneys hurt. He only appears in the reflection of the TV screen when it's turned off. Sometimes, he'll do the Robot, which will urge my lofty sole to leave this frail body. Other times, he scares me into an inanimate object. Not today, for I've mustered enough strength to try and regain what he so wrongfully took away from me.

The following is a reenactment. A critical jibe as retold to me by me. Some of it may not be accurate or forth right, but I've done my best to reconstruct history for you, my one true fan "You know who you are, I don't even need to say your name."

***

"Do you know what I've tried to do all year? Not think." Poor Katie, she must have applied this simple rule when picking out her latest project. For it is a mindless chasm of vacancy...

I've already seen Katie Holmes naked, why would I want to watch her in anything else. Having Chris Klein constantly at her side has destroyed the illusion that I might someday hang off her arm as a boyfriend, and I never did care for that lazy eyeball of hers. The girl has spent too much time studying Meg Ryan in Optic-Roll 101. I mean, could you be any cuter? It's like she's raping me with this sugary-sweet smile; a bitter gritting of teeth in fluorescent wattage. Hers is a hot-white parting of lips that has burnt a hole through the back of my skull. This tart lass has successfully drained all of the spinal fluid out of my body, forever confining me to a wheelchair. I can't even get a hand out. Plus, this doesn't look like anything I'd want to sit through.

I hate movie titles that consist of one strong word. I hate 'em. (Okay, I did like Frailty, but that seems to be the exception.) Judging from its trailers, Abandon is nothing more than another lame movie-of-the-week. It hasn't even tried to disguise itself, wearing numerous tacked on influences like some odd badge of stimulation. To top it off, the film actually supports Pinero as a key player. How is this guy still getting work after Julia Roberts dumped him? We don't see Chris Judd running around, hogging up precious screen space. Dudes, know and learn your place in the world. Stay at home and hag, that's all you're good for. But wait, maybe I've been to earnest in expressing my distaste for this thin, Scooby Doo-like mystery. Is there actually a chance it could be any good?

It does flaunt Fred Ward and Zooey Deschanel like an insignia ring punch to the forehead. You can't get much cooler than that. Oh, but upon further inspection, it seems they're stuck in idle, gregariously slumming it. How can I pay close attention to a movie that actually casts Miss Zooey as 'bland best friend' to Katie Holmes' Miss Molly McPerfect, suggesting in one scene that every guy wants our Dawson's Creek hooch while willingly overlooking this other flower of beauty and inspiration? I can't. Our girl Deschanel kicks the room alive; her sheer presence is thick with intensity. She's a scene-stealer; a corpus mule in the wake of this unbearable boredom. Whoever was in charge of making this movie the best it could be overlooked the fact that it needed more of her. Why not make her the lead? Because she didn't fit the profile? Well, f*ck you guys.

And should I even mention Fred Ward? He's reduced to two short dialogue sequences that don't amount to much. At first sight, he seems like an important friend to Pinero's vanguard detective, but that doesn't seem to matter. I guess he doesn't serve the bulk of the story being told (and if you can actually find it, let me know). In those opening moments, we see Ward assign a missing person's case to Julia's ex, and we think this is the reverent plot, but it's nothing more than a queer McGuffin used to usher in some bullsh*t post-Scream text that is unavoidably numb in its overall execution. Why couldn't we change things up a bit? Mix the casting like a bowl of M&Ms and cashews? Why not have Ward's older, crustier detective fall in love with Deschanel's daffy college student? Because we need that Val Kilmer look-alike spouting euphemisms to a choir of greasy-faced teenagers just out of high school. Otherwise, the receipt box would be bone dry come Friday evening. Granted, a Ward-Deschanel romance probably wouldn't bring in a large sum of money, but, on the flip side of that coin, I sure wouldn't be falling asleep in it, either.

I've been noticing, as of late, that everything in the film world happens in twos. This odd phenomenon has been going on for quite some time. This week sees the innocent leads of Dawson's Creek tackling a couple of dark, disturbing roles. I mean, what's next? Is Pacey going to show up in a remake of Blackbeard's Ghost (You know, because he's the bad seed on that show, and it's a Disney movie...Oh, never mind.) After having the chance to visit both James Van Der Beek and Katie Holmes at their colleges of choice, in Rules of Attraction and Abandon, respectfully, I've come to one simple conclusion. I'd much rather hang out with James over at Camden.

I mean, he never studies, he never goes to class (Except one being taught on a Saturday by that Back to the Future flunky, Eric Stoltz, who sleeps through his own teaching seminar with a cigarette smoldering in his hand), he has Jessica Biel, DJ Sossamon, and Fred Savage as classmates, he gets to attend something called a 'Dress to Get Screwed' party, he mingles with drug dealers, he gets to f*ck pretty much any girl on campus he wants to, and he invokes a suicide. How cool is that? All poor Katie does over at McGill University is study in a dimly lit library, furiously trying to finish some boring Thesis paper with a title that causes mass diphtheria when spoken aloud. She does attend one party, but inebriates herself while playing Chess. Whoop-DE-Doo!! Her only extracurricular activity seems to be sleeping with a cop, and even that comes in a long, drawn-out exercise waxed with pitiful attraction. Christ, I don't have to go to the movies to watch people more gorgeous than me hook up. I could hang out pretty much anywhere and feel this kind of shame. What makes the producers of this rag think I want to pay nine dollars for that kind of punishment?

I might be able to forgive such intolerable means of entertainment, but this is the first movie I've seen where absolutely nothing happens. I'm not exaggerating. We're given a mystery of sorts, but it solves itself without much fanfare with forty minutes left to go on the clock. A romance is hinted at, but it's like watching a three-legged dog hump a red dodge ball. It essential comes down to idiosyncratic masturbation. The movie plods along, and plods along, every once in awhile evoking a set tone usually reserved for domestic thrillers. We see Katie's boyfriend, who disappeared without a trace, suddenly pop back into her life. Sometimes, he's a normal kid, other times the soundtrack makes him out to be Michael Myers. But it never leads anywhere.

I wasn't getting it. For about 70 minutes, I didn't have a clue what this was actually supposed to be about. Then I started thinking about the title. Abandon. Hmm, who was abandoned? Wait? Katie was abandoned by her father when she was a little girl. Still doesn't seem to make much since as far as the given plot is concerned. Then, and I'm not lying here, with literally five minutes left to go, the movie actually decides to become about something. Well, it was too late. I'd already lost my patience, especially to learn that Abandon was nothing more than a really drawn out remake of The Temp. Look at me; I'm not the smartest person in the world. I never figure these kinds of twisted endings out. I was completely fooled by The Sixth Sense. I never saw Jackie as the killer of Scream 2. The fact that Jack and Tyler Durden were the same guy slipped right past me.

Oh, but I saw this one coming from a mile away. It was the only inevitable conclusion that made any sense. I guess I won't ruin it for all you stupid people out there, but Jesus Christ, Abandon turned out to be the biggest waste of my time since being born. It makes Glitter look like Gone with the Wind.

So, basically what it comes down to is, I'd much rather watch James Van Der Beek in Rules of Attraction than I would Katie Holmes in Abandon (which, for some reason, I keep wanting to call Abducted.) Does that make me gay? I don't know, maybe. If I hadn't seen this movie for free, I'd be poking out the eyes of the girl who sold me the ticket. I just can't sit here and let you willingly hand over your money for such trite crap.

The one thing it does offer is a chance to see Pinero knocked in the head with a big rock. Does he die, maybe? I'm not telling. But watching him suffer this great pain was like sweet relief. Ah, tasty like a refreshing cola. Now, if only the rest of the movie could have moved me in a similar fashion.

***

So, there you have it, what I could recover from my lost Abandon review. I guess, maybe, it should have stayed lost. Well, you won't see me cry.