8 Mile: Review By B. Alan Orange

It sure is fun taking homeless people to the movies. I killed poor ol' Sidecar Max with Brian DePalma's Femme Fatale. I couldn't resist the chance to do it again. I mean, everyone wants to see Eminem in his first major starring role. Right? I had an extra ticket; so I brought along Xjan the Rapping Hobo. Why? Because he was the one person I (kinda) knew that had no desire, whatsoever, to see this thing.

After it was over, The Rapping Hobo decided to throw down his own battle-rap in response to 8 Mile. Here is the only known recording of it:

Eminem, I went to see your movie

And I'm disappointed

There was a middle,

And a middle,

But it was kinda disjointed

You're not fooling me with that black hair

I know it's you

Your tacked-on thespian skills had me jumping back like Sebulba

Saying, "Poo-Doo!"

A lot of people are talking

Those sh*t-f*cks are yelling Oscar

I'm going to take that sh*t and slit your throat with a box knife

Then I'll throw you in a boxcar

You make friends with a gay man

You hang out with a homo?

You want me to yellout, "SELLOUT!"

Or do you want me to say it in slow-mo?

Then you slap Brittany Spears

For throwing out crap like Crossroads

Then you hired Taryn Manning?

Is this some kinda secret hidden code?

(she was in Crossroads, ya know?)

Should I mention Kim Basinger?

She used to be hot, but now she's really old

I had to suffer through her accent

Like I have to suffer through the common cold

I liked her

You ruined her

Now she's stinking up the screen like spread legs

Add a side of starfish tuna

What, were you trying to do Rocky 6

Was this a direct remake?

A rip-off?

Some kind of sick trick?

Where's Paulie?

Where's Mickey?

Where's Appolo Creed?

If I get you in a corner,

if I get you on your knees

I'm going to punch you

And kick you

And laugh at your little bitch screams

I don't know what you're doing

Your casting director should be fired

That skank Brittany Murphy

Makes a horrible Talia Shire

Sure you steal from Balboa

But no boxing is one of your biggest flaws

That's because you battle-rapping sissies

Have all got glass jaws

Oh, wait

Hold up,

That ain't fair!

You all throw some fake Hollywood punches

But we know you're hitting nothing but air

Everyone wants to see your movie

Even old mens and old womens

Sh*t, you crusty bitch

Can't you see these are rappers?

Not fresh picked persimmons!

What's going on in this movie?

Anything at all?

Whoops, Eminem,

It looks like you dropped the ball.

B-b-b-boring!

You dissed Triumph the Insult Comic Dog?

You take yourself too seriously

That little puppet hand

Could chew up your balls, most furiously...

...This is where Niggah Charlie jumped in, and he's not even really black, "Stop, stop, stop that nonsense. You ain't no rapper. You're calling yourself a Rapping Hobo? You couldn't get a job wrapping presents at Christmas time. Take that wack sh*t and get it out of my face."

Then this is where a fight broke out. It was fun watching these two homeless people beat on each other, fighting over something as dumb as 8 Mile. I think Xjan the Rapping Hobo hit it on the head when he said this was nothing more than a Rocky remake. Yup. That about sums it up. All in all, it really isn't anything that special.