Forums: The Envelope

So I've been working on this idea for a short film for some time and I just can't decide exactly how I want it to turn out. (I'm always afraid of someone stealing my ideas, so if anyone out there does know that I will not only hunt you down and kill your entire family, but I will also burn your place of residence and work. I will cut every tie you have to this world. Then I'll sue you for everything you've got cause I already got the idea that I originally wrote in short story form copyrighted. :lol: Not that it's good enough to be stolen, but I digress.)

So here's the basic outline and premise. What we've got here is a kind of noir tale. Hard boiled and what not. I originally wrote it set in the 50's, with classic noir style narration, but then Sin City hit it big time and I figured than all it would look like is an amatuerish rip off. Anyways, the main character is Jack Cole. A private detective (or hit man, or ex-cop, can't decide). The opening scene is him in his apartment. It's a small one, an efficiency, or studio if you like. He's standing over his desk, staring at a plain manilla envelope. He hasn't opened it yet. Quick shots of him lighting a cigarette, and the butts of all the numerous cigarettes he's smoked around his feet. He's obviously been staring at this envelope for quite some time. So he takes up his gun, puts it in his holster, takes his coat, and leaves. (I also have an idea of showing him from the POV of a crucifix above his doorjamb, but can't decide if I really want to include all the relgious undertones I originally set forth.)

Then for the rest of the night we follow him through late night clubs and the streets as he tracks down a man named Jay Valenti. What does he want him for? Well, it's a favor to his buddy on the force, Det. Barley, who only recently made Chief. We learn this when Jack subdues him and takes him to abandoned migrant worker housing, (The story is set in California.), and Barley shows up. However, on the ride to the housing, Jack has a flashback. He remembers chasing a potential hit/suspect (don't know which, doesn't matter) when he bumps into Valenti, covered in blood. He takes a passing notice, but his main drive is to catch his original man. But only a few more feet and he starts to process what he saw. Starts to process that Barley was written on white on a mailbox not two houses down. He doubles back, only to find the door of the Barley's home wide open. Inside, he finds Barley's wife's naked, bloody, cold body in her bed. Then a few shots showing Jack and Barley's wife in bed, her coming out of his shower, etc. to establish that they were having an affair. Ok, but back to our captive, Valenti.

So Barley beats the poor f*ck to death. Jack unties him from the post, lays him down, buttons his shirt, puts his arms across his chest, etc. Not a bad guy after all. Though in some flashbacks I haven't described we see he's done some horrible things. So Jack returns home and at this point we cut between Jack and Barley. On Jack's side of things, he opens the envelope. Sees pictures of he and Barley's wife making love, and then the last picture, her dead. On the back there is a note. Cut to Barley, fixing a drink. Flashback to Jack cradling her dead body. Screaming (though the soundtrack will cover those screams). Cut back to Barley picking up his drink, as he remembers the night it all happened. He wasn't holding his wife, he was sitting with his buddies in a swank restaurant sharing a drink. In this same flashback, another officer comes over to Barley after hanging up the phone and tells him; "That was Valenti. It's taken care of." Cut back to Barley, drawing a butcher knife from it's place in a drawer, he falls to the floor, crying. He slowly brings the knife to his throat, and slits it. Cut back to Jack, there is one more thing in the envelope. A bullet. Jack empties his revolver, and the camera pans to the note on the back of the photo. It reads; "Sorry Jack, but someone had to take the blame for her murder. Here's a way out."

Jack places the single bullet into the chamber as we see cops pulling up to his complex. The get out. Jack flips the chamber back, pulling the hammer. We see the feet of the cops as they run up the stairs. Cut to Barley, dead on his kitchen floor, laying in a pool of blood. Jack falls to his knees, tears in his eyes. The cops knocking at his door. He doesn't open it. The officers break the door down and pour in as Jack steps to his feet. We pull back, and from Jacks window, we see the apartment illuminated by the blast of a single gunshot. Fin.

Sorry it was so long. There is of course more dialogue, etc. But I had to get all the ideas I had out there for some real feedback.

So this thread has had 45 views but no replies??? PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK!!! I don't care if it's bad or good...JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING!!!!

Well, It's one hell of a story, I'll give you that much. The charcters are interesting, the drama is tense, and it has a nice dingy atmosphere. The only thing I would really change is maybe a few details. Maybe do another flashback toward the end of how Barley set the whole thing up for Jack to take the fall for the murder, explaining stuff like: How did Barley find out that Jack and his wife were having an affair, and how did Barley come about hiring Valenti to kill his wife. Maybe also tell why Jack and Barley's wife were having an affair. Also if you want people to feel kind of sorry for Jack, maybe you should show some back story on the kind of sc*m-bags he has taken down, so you get that whole One man trying to make the world a better place vibe going that way when people find out that he has been commiting aldultery with his best friends wife, they feel nothing but pure shock. Those are just some suggestions, I really liked the story though, I think it has real potential.

Thank God! Finally! Ok, so you know what, those are some damn good ideas. I'm taking them all to heart, and have begun to revise the script. About Jack, I've decided that you're really not supposed to feel sorry for him. See, I didn't thouroughly explain, but Jack is not a good guy. In the short story, you find out about all the horrible sh*t he's done to get ahead. That was another revisement I made, after I wrote it the first time. (Hell, I wrote the damn thing back in high school!) See, originally, Jack made it out alive. No fall guy sub-plot or anything. Than I realized that I'd set him up as just as desp*cable as everyone else and I had to serve justice to the story, and not just tack the ending I wanted to see on it. By the way, thank you again for actually replying. It seems that we've created this sort of brotherhood in the Horror Hotel that bleeds over into other threads. Built of course, upon mutual respect of loving all things f*cked up. :lol:

Well that sounds like a great story if done right. I have one thing to say that could help you a lot did you ever try read anything by Elmor lenorm, his books are the basis of Get shorty and L.A. Confidential, which is a movie that was just good from begging to end, and you such note that not one of those characters was a "good Guy" they all had the anti hero stigma, but as the audiance you could not tell until you saw the whole picture. Another thig is that if you write the scrip you shold really try to cut back on so many flashbacks, they tend to make the story weak and the are seldomly used right specially by young screenwriters.
and very important you must get the 50's feel of the movie just right because every person thinks they know what the 50's were like just from watching Tv, in short people will rip your work apart. get the lingo and clothing the pop culture refernces right.

One last thing good luck and I think that the story could really be good