SuicideGirls Must Die! DVD: Review By B. Alan Orange

What a weird piece of Pop Erotica. I'm not sure who this is for. It's far too tame to please horror aficionados. Not quite sexy enough to titillate pin-up junkies. And far too mean spirited and creepy to give thirteen year old boys a sneaky thrill.
  • OVERALL
    2.5
    WORTHY
  • Feature
  • Picture
  • Sound
  • Extras
  • Replay Value
THE GOOD
The film works as a Betty Page type pin-up videologue. Its high art, and very pretty to stare at. Its something you'd have running over the draft spouts at a dive bar. Or in your living room during a make-shift party. The girls' playful interaction is fun for a while, but it soon falls into the same trap all realty shows do. The personalities begin to clash, and it's annoying on levels usually reserved for someone else' out of control house party. With the sound up, you want to leave early and go home. Muted, it's a moving collage of t*ts and wildlife that deserves to be framed in a museum of the strange.
THE BAD
This is not a horror movie. In no way, shape or form. It's a cruel trick that never really pays off. It's a gimmick used to pep up what is nothing more than a grungy Playboy-type video shoot. The storyline is pointless. Just take these girls in the woods, let them interact for real. Rip their clothes off, let me stare. Just don't subject me to this quite useless drama. By the end climax, I had a headache.
THE FEATURE
The true Realty TV genre has been going strong for more than ten years now, and it seems like an easy out for any given name brand or property, such as The Suicide Girls (or Pauly Shore last week with his Adopted), to make a quick, disposable DVD for you to devour and completely forget about after watching it. The Suicide Girls Must Die is a tossed off Pin-Up video that never quite accomplishes what it sets out to do. We're promised a horror film. But it never goes all the way with that premise. The make-shift story, which is being created on the spot by a bunch of clueless harpies, is nonexistent. And the climax is a muddled blur of WTF moments that never quite make any sense. Though, there is one truly unique and great scare that someone should try and reuse in a real movie somewhere down the road. A "person" in a deer hunting leaf suit and mud-face comes literally flinging out of the ground and continues in hot pursuit after a truly terrified model. Its something I would have expected out of a Rob Zombie movie. Its neat. But not worth the effort of sitting through this weighted ninety-six minutes hoping for a good scare. On the flip side, the DVD does work as an Erotic Artifact that will have more resonance some fifty years into the future. Washed of its gimmick, this is a beautiful, often times thoughtful moving centerfold. Why do we go to the Suicide Girls website? To ogle and lust after its sometimes sexy, sometimes very scary models. It's an alternative to the airbrushed, cartooned proportions offered by Playboy and Penthouse (though those are equally fun to stare out). There is no button on these pictorials that you push only to here some bitchy tattooed princess mock and complain, or talk crazy. We can get that at the local dive bar, at home, or practically anywhere in real life. But that's what this movie is. It's a reality show mixed with a cruel practical joke. For a few minutes, its fun to watch these girls interact and play amongst each other. It's both interesting and titillating to see the Pin-up shoots as they happen. But then the girls start fighting, and complaining, and moaning, and looking for friends that have disappeared. Its verbal chaos. And I'm not quite convinced that anyone wants to, or would enjoy, sitting through this. The concept finds twelve girls, a producer, and a photographer all heading to a cabin in Maine, where they are going to shoot a calendar. Soon enough, there is some inner-circle squabbling. Some of the girls are written off as straight up crazy, and they start to disappear. The room is equally split in half, with some of the girls hating on the other half for not caring at all. Its like, if they don't want to be in the same room together, what in the Hell makes them think I want to be in any room with them at all, at the same time? Seriously? Things teeter-totter back and forth between the girls drinking and sitting in a hot tub, the girls disappearing in the woods, and the girls shooting their nude spreads. Some cops show up, and it all kinda-sorta follows the lame Ten Little Indians blueprint that horror aficionados are all too familiar with. No one is ever in any real danger. And it's all just kind of lame. With the sound turned all the way down, it works as a piece of moving art reserved for the background area of a lively social environment. That's its best contribution to the world.
THE EXTRAS
There's not much here to sink your teeth into. We get a trailer for the film, which is redundant. We get "Rigel's Confession", which isn't really a confession at all. Its just the girl talking about the film in a standard issue EPK-style interview. Pretty boring stuff. We also get a "photo gallery", which is a fully clothed look at the fake calendar that was sent out with the DVD. It's a 2010 calendar. Arriving in June. Again, pointless. Just like the film itself.
THE VIDEO
The film, if you want to call it that, is presented in 1.78:1 full frame. It is in color. It is Unrated. There is plenty of nudity. Hardly any gore. And it all lasts for a prolonged hour and ninety-six minutes.
THE AUDIO
The film is presented in 5.1 Digital Surround. Subtitles are in English and Spanish.
THE PACKAGE
For a company that relies on its photography for most of its sales, this is a rather dreary, wet looking image that is quite skanky and grimy. And blah. The Suicide Girls logo is enticing, but the whole thing looks quite generic. The back of the box, which is composed of a pile of Polaroids, doesn't offer much hope, either. I'd pass on this in both a retail store and at the rental counter.
THE FINAL WORD
It's a weird acquisition. It's a pin-up video disguised as a lame horror movie. If you really want to see some hot, sexy alternative chicks posing in the buff, buy a subscription to the Suicide Girls website. This will just frustrate you. Unless you are looking for some video art to hang on the wall and mute. Then this might be right up your alley. Next time, they should just stick to the Italian Villa.

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