Land of the Dead DVD: Review By B. Alan Orange

Spooker Washington DVD Review #1: Land of the Dead!

"Man, George Romero turned into a big sissy!"

Ha. Just kidding, folks. I didn't mean it. But someone said it, and I almost have to agree. Back in the day, George wouldn't have pissed out with such a puss ending. The Human waves "adios" to the Zombie. The Zombie waves back. La-dee-da! If this were 1979 all over again, a Zombie would have eaten those five flailing fingers right off that ungrateful hand. I mean, seriously...Zombies and Humans, living together? What kind of coy political bullsh*t is that?

I know, I know...It's a reflection of our temporary socio-economic climate. Every single chapter in the Living Dead saga has supported a theme swathed in our current societal misgivings. George Romero's Zombie Saga is a raging commentary on Human Nature, and a million term papers have already been written about Land of the Dead's Homeland Security Treaties. The smart geeks slobber praise on this neo-intelligent thematic essay, easing past its gory wrap around. Its to point, and stare, and make the average horror hound feel slightly superior to those folks that only want to watch their Sleepless in Seattles and their Homeward Bounds. That's all good, and fine, but guess what?

This story sucks!

It's true. I've never experienced a more pointless melee sewn into an excuse to show Dead people eating the living. When I first watched this movie back in theaters, I was mildly entertained. I thought it was all right. It didn't crawl into my intestine and eat out my ass. No. It didn't. I wanted it too. I wanted Land of the Dead to rock those socks off my bones. But I just couldn't get too excited about it. And that was all good and fine. I wasn't disappointed by any means. It was what it was: A substandard zombie flick.

Sorry, good neighbor, but that's the truth.

Then this new Unrated DVD version came sailing onto my Doorstep. And I watched it again. I thought maybe I'd enjoy it more, because that often times happens with films I didn't really like the first time around. Sad thing is, I realized just how futile and uninvolving this new chapter is. I don't care about any of the characters. They're just a bunch of dumb jerks spouting horrible dialogue. Sky Flowers? I mean, come on. Just call them Fireworks already.

I guess the thing that bothers me is that this is supposed to be George's definitive vision. It took twenty years to write a story about John Leguizamo driving around in an armored car that looks vacuum-sucked out of a Hannah-Barbara cartoon? I've seen better poop on Scooby-Doo. Don't get me wrong, I understand all of the Bush bashing taking place in the not so transparent metaphorical eulogy. I get that its about trying to shelter yourself from something you cannot control; i.e. terrorism. I just wish the stapled-on plot could have done more with itself and the preexisting leitmotif. Land of the Dead plays like some Japanese toss-off, especially when it's not catering to the gore hounds. The fangeeks complained about Darth Vader's torturous scream of, "NOOOOOOOO!" at the end of Sith? The moans uttered by Big Daddy Kane (who seems to have put on a lot of weight since his last rap album) are unlistenably lame. Yikes. Then there's the little matter of a rat. Yes, Romero goes for the fake-out scare with a large white rodent. Come on, George. You're better than this.

Or maybe you're not.

But wait, hold on! That's not to say the film is without merit. There are plenty of cool scenes to make this worth the trip to the video store. I like the Zombie C*ck Fight, where they try to eat Asia Argento. And the Headless Zombie that still has its head connected by a flayed tendon. The horrible looking thing actually made me jump. (Bite, bite, bite!)

Story is only half the battle when it comes to a Grade A horror flick. You've also got to bank on the gore factor, and this thing doesn't wimp out. Romero goes for balls and succeeds. At least I feel he did in the original theatrical cut. I wasn't disappointed by the limb chewing I saw at the Chinese 6. It actually surprised me a bit. I thought it would be a lot tamer than it was. And Romero recently said that, for the most part, he got what he wanted on the screen.

So, that brings us to this Unrated Director's Cut. And like most Unrated Director's Cuts that pop-up on video, Land of the Dead is a cop out. Its Unrated because they didn't resubmit it too the MPAA. I'm betting that it might have passed, because it's not much gorier than its original intentions.

In fact, the dimmed-out blood in the original was more believable. One of the things they did here was CGI in a brighter, slicker red. And it looks like a goddamn cartoon. It's not believable in the least bit. I hate digitally recreated blood, and I think Romero should have stuck to what he knows best. The CGI splatter kills the overall effectiveness of the gore scenes. What sucks is that they aren't releasing the Rated version in Widescreen (which I feel is the better movie). The film is shot in 2:35.1 scope. You need to have it in widescreen. The pan and scan on this thing would suck snot from a dead dog's nose.

Boo!

The Unrated Version does contain one deleted scene that wasn't originally included in that initial go-around at theaters. When John Leguizamo walks into Fiddler's Green to confront Dennis Hopper about moving in, he first stops to visit an apartment across the hall. Here, a Zombie father has tried to hang himself from a ceiling fan. It's pretty effective, and probably should have remained in the original cut. The film is short as it is; this filler helps to add a little insight into John's character. He's not really a bad guy. The dude's just misunderstood. Still, he is John Leguizamo...

What the heck is he doing in, what was supposed to be, the greatest zombie movie ever, anyway?

I don't know. I say we torch him Frankenstein style!

Okay, special features. This thing's got some, and more. Most of you will probably run to the "When Shaun met George Featurette" first. It's a short piece that chronicles the two-day cameo appearance of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg (of Shaun of the Dead fame) on the set of Land of the Dead. It's kinda cool, but also kinda boring. We finally get to see where they come in during the film (I missed them the first time I saw the movie, and believe me, I was looking). Watching George first meet the boys is oddly uncomfortable for both parties and the viewer. You'd never guess that Romero was such a fan of theirs watching him squirm through this. It was fun watching them get made up as zombies, though.

The other special features are as such (I didn't have time to watch any of them; I'm sure their pretty standard DVD fare...You seen one DVD special feature, you've seen them all):

- Commentary by: Director George Romero, Producer Peter Grunwald and Editor Michael Doherty

- Undead Again: The Making of Land of the Dead

- A Day with the Living Dead

- Bringing the Dead to Life

- The Remaining Bits

- When Shaun Met George

- Scenes of Carnage

- Zombie Effects: From Green Screen to Finished Scene

- Bringing the Storyboards to Life

- Scream Tests: Zombie Casting Call

The film was shot in 2:35.1. It looks immaculate, except for all the CGI blood. That stuff looks cartoonish. An over-all nice transfer, though. The blacks are truly black, and most of the movie takes place at night, so...Bravo, good job Transfer Dude!

Available Audio Tracks: English, English (Dolby Digital 5.1)

I really like this artwork. Better than the original one-sheet. The hand stuck to the fence promises something special. Something gorier than what we've previously seen. Too bad the actual Unrated film doesn't live up to that promise.

So, after twenty years and many promises, this is the film George A. Romero gives us? A pointless drive around zombie infested fields in a decked out rotisserie van? This was supposed to be a new Romero masterpiece. Not a prolonged episode of the A-Team. Damn, I'm disappointed. I loved Shaun of the Dead. It was ten times better than this. Even the Dawn of the Dead remake from last year proved to be a better journey. I think Romero needs to move on. He needs to leave the Living Dead to those other guys. I like the gore. I like the Zombies. But the overall story and political preaching leaves something to be desired.

The DVD package is pretty sweet, though. Nice job. I'd give my sheen bones to own a copy. But I don't really need those, anyway. "Boo!" Is what I say to the movie. "Yeah!" Is what I saw to the rest of the package. It's a 50/50 game.

Spook you later, XOXO