Life Blood DVD: Review By Bryan Yentz

After finishing the brow-raisingly awful fright flick entitled "Life Blood", I couldn't help but question why so much nonsense had just so forcefully raped my eyes. Why is God a partially nude lesbian who enjoys brief lip-locking sessions as she spouts moral nonsense? Why can't cars be unlocked from the inside-you'd think they could be, right? And why does Sophie Monk continue to play villainous characters when she's as intimidating as Ivan Ooze? So yeah, as you can tell, Life Blood is essential viewing for important tidbits of misinformation.

Honestly, I couldn't begin to tell you what the hell Life Blood is actually about. The film begins in the 60's but you wouldn't know that if a subtitle didn't tell you beforehand (which I actually missed and had to find out about after). Neither the wardrobe nor set design display this decade in the least, which begs the question-why even bother? Okay, so during a "60's" party, Brooke (Sophie Monk) and her lover Rhea (Anya Lahiri), spend most of the night kissing and drinking, only separated when Brooke kills an obnoxious actor for trying to rape a gal (played ever-so-briefly by Scout Taylor Compton). Following this, a near-naked female version of God appears before Rhea and makes out with her... Yeah, so I guess that answers the 90's question of, "What if God was one of us?" Following this bit of tongue-tying, God explains that evil people need to be killed and Rhea will be the morally righteous assassin to do it. Unwilling to do it without her dead lover, Brooke, Rhea makes a deal with God to resurrect her. Now, if you can grasp that, the film jumps to present day where both ladies awaken in cocoons and find they are immortal-and vampires... I'm not kidding. So while Brooke enjoys the newfound power she's been reluctantly bestowed with, Rhea serves as the moral compass against her outbursts of violence.

Quite simply, I think this is the stupidest story I've ever witnessed and I curse the very people who happened to green light it.

As ridiculously asinine as this tale is however, one would hope that it would at least be on the level of "so bad, it's good". Well, sorry, it ain't. The film takes its preposterously retarded story and drives it as slow as an elderly person in a snowstorm. Life Blood is boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. You'd think a flick about lesbian vampires on a holy killing spree ordained by a half-naked chick God would be more entertaining. It's not. A large portion of the film is filled with idiotic banter (especially the repetitive ramblings of God) typically revolving around Rhea whining and Brooke trying to spout "bad-ass" one-liners. When that's not occurring, cheesy effects and incredibly brief neck-bitings are. And for anyone thinking they might get some T/A-look elsewhere. Outside of God's two brief cameo's and some side-boob, you ain't gettin' squat.

I don't think that any description I give can truly bring to light how soul-crushingly stupid this film is (I already mentioned a character unable to unlock a car door FROM THE INSIDE). I mean, this entire endeavor is jaw-droppingly appalling in its insipid execution. The fact that this movie was purchased, the fact that this many people got together to make it, and the fact that there was some name-brand talent tied to it, is downright astounding. This is why we have wars... Because of films like this.

N/A

You can see the picture... So that's worth a point isn't it? It's presented in a 2.35:1 widescreen format.

You can hear it... So that's worth another point. Though, with all of the idiotic banter and ear-tearing music that plays--do you really want to? It's presented in an English language format.

Both femme fatales walk towards the viewer as various silhouetted women (who aren't in the film) stand behind them. Yeah, it's as lame as it both sounds and looks.

This is just an all-around baffling exercise in filmmaking. The fact that it took so many people to make something this awful and brainless... It amazes.